Before I Fall Among the Holy: The Burden, The Beauty, and The Brokenness of Being Called

Ministry is often portrayed as glory on a platform, but Before I Fall Among the Holy reveals what happens when the robe hides scars instead of healing them. In these pages, Dr. Matheo J. Smith Sr. writes with transparent honesty about leading while wounded, preaching while processing pain, and wrestling with impostor syndrome behind the pulpit. Each chapter peels back the layers of performance to show that calling is not a costume but a crucible, where God shapes His leaders through rejection, hidden wounds, and seasons of silence. This is a book for every pastor, leader, and believer who has ever wondered if their weakness disqualifies them from their assignment.

Yet Smith’s story is not one of defeat but of redemption. Through vivid testimony, biblical insight, and pastoral wisdom, he shows how grace flows deepest in the cracks we try to conceal, turning scars into signatures of survival and weakness into a stage for God’s strength. Readers will walk away with fresh hope that the miracle of ministry is not flawless performance but honest surrender, the kind of fall that leads to restoration, renewed purpose, and authentic presence before God and people alike.