Buster's Diaries: The True Story of a Dog and His Man

A lively, entertaining "memoir" sets the story straight as it presents the true story of Buster, a half-German Shepherd mutt, who was attacked by a goose in a public park, defended himself, was brought up on charges for his assault on the goose, which was owned by the Queen, and became an instant celebrity. Reprint.

December 17, 1995-London

I think I shall like it here. There are no other dogs, but there is a Man who would like to be one. When I arrived he got down on his hands and knees, and although he told me to stop licking his face, I knew he didn't mean it. Tomorrow I shall try chewing his ear. Thanks to my dominant personality and animal cunning, I may well become leader of this pack. And even if I don't, there will be real human beings to talk to me.

Everybody was very good about the vomit. The Man helped clean out the animal ambulance (a broken-down old van) and told the driver that I must suffer from motion sickness as I didn't seem to be the nervous type. To be honest, I was terrified. Nobody had told me where I was going or what sort of people were going to look after me. Although I look like one of those fighting dogs in the Sunday newspapers' color magazines, I often feel very insecure. I certainly don't see myself doing ten rounds with a rottweiler. Whenever a skinhead came into the dogs' home, I sat at the back of my kennel and tried to look like a Pekinese.

The dogs' home sent the Man my blue plastic bed-which was wrong, since it gave a false impression. I am absolutely house-trained. The Man had a new bed ready for me. It is woolly with fake sheepskin on the bottom and there is a tartan rug spread over it. I got in straight away. The only thing wrong with the bed is that it has no smell. I shall put that right in the next day or two.

The Man is very inconsistent-the very worst thing possible if he wants a proper relationship with me. As soon as I curled up in a ball, he forgot all about me looking tough and self-confident and said, "He really looks a friendly little chap. I can't believe that anyone was frightened of adopting him. He doesn't look a bit fierce." I almost bit him there and then. I look very fierce indeed standing up-especially when my mouth is open. He will find out in the morning.

He is the talkative type, which is exactly what I wanted. Before I went to sleep he told me that he's signed a form promising not to tie me up, lock me out or give me away. If I behave badly and he doesn't want me any more, I have to go back to the dogs' home. Assuming the food is OK, I shall make myself irresistible. It will not be difficult.