A darkly and awkwardly humorous memoir of a late diagnosed neurodivergent person (me). I created this deeply personal reflection of the last 38 years of my like and I like to think I have been unflinching in my honesty which was the plan from the offset. I wrote Chronically Awkward after a diagnosis of autism, CPTSD, ADHD, Depressive and Anxiety Disorder, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and more recently POTS, MCAS and IBD changed my perception of a life lived and explained why my experience was so different to what people thought it should have been.
This memoir was written to answer a question so many people have. What if your whole life has made no sense, much of it is forgotten or lost and the mirror you see it through was reflecting back societal perceptions rather than your own lived experience?
This book was written, not as a guide or self-help, it doesn’t’ exist to tell people how they should feel or what they should do; in fact, this book was written as a release of almost 40 years of internal confusion put to paper with a new pair of glasses to see my past through, it was therapy for me, that, so far has worked personally. The reason I am choosing to share it is not as therapy for anyone else, but maybe as a starting point to realise who ever reads it is not alone. There is no conclusion and I was let with more questions after I wrote the last words, they were just finally the right questions without noise from my confusing past, I saw the danger point (red flags so to speak) that I missed and the funny moments that, with context now make sense and make me laugh.
This book has to come with content warnings, I have had some deep routed and complex trauma to unpack, and I did that in the words of this book. I have kept it as raw and true to me as possible and I am proud of that, I didn’t want it to be edited too much, I repeat myself in places, go on tangents and make points that only my brain may make; that is on purpose, I experience my thinking in cycles, in monologues and cyclically ruminating, this book works with that, not against it.
The content in this book includes the following warnings:
- Sexual abuse & sexual assault
- Forced prostitution (from age 15)
- Domestic abuse
- Psychological abuse, bullying (school, workplace, relationships)
- Foster care trauma & difficult family dynamics
- Death, grief, withdrawal of life support
- Murder (discussed non-graphically)
- Drug & alcohol addiction
- Suicidal thoughts & attempts; suicide of another (non-graphic)
- Self-harm
- Police interactions
- Open, non-graphic discussions of sex
I have tried to be sensitive around these subjects, but sensitivity and truth are often not compatible with each other. I have given warnings through the book as the content becomes harder to engage with as well.
A final note from the author (me again)
This book was not written to make money, although, you know, that would be lovely, I wrote it to share my story in my way and hope that it reaches the right people. This is not in any way commercially written, be warned, you are going into the mind of a neurodivergent and trauma addled brain; untidy and messy, unfinished and complicated like us all.
