Everyone knows what condoms are, but few families actually discuss them. As a society, we are notorious for avoiding sexual conversations. But isn't sexual health as important as oral health? This book offers discussion on the conflicts between traditional teachings and sexual health, as well as reassurance with sexual topics and values - both of which are critical for easy sex talks. Discomforts with sex in our culture are faced head-on, providing ample opportunities to gain knowledge and teach our families in an open, healthy manner. Throughout this book, Dr. Young shares her thirty-years of teaching sex to physicians, nurses, teachers, parents, college students, the elderly, and children. She is the widowed mother of four adult children and four young grandchildren and keeps her condoms next to the toothpaste.
THE CONDOMS ARE NEXT TO THE TOOTHPASTE
Sex Talk at the Kitchen TableBy Elaine Wilson YoungAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 Elaine Wilson Young
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-1198-7Contents
Prologue....................................................................................................11. Introduction (The Condoms are Next to the Toothpaste)...................................................92. A Healthy Person is a Sexual Person (Are You Happy with Your Sex Education?)............................233. Importance of Defining Sexuality (Abstinence of What?)..................................................314. What Excites People (You Cannot be Forced to be Turned-on)..............................................375. Sex Doesn't Mean Intercourse (Oh, How Semantics Rule Statistics!).......................................456. Everyone Teaches Sexuality (But Do They Know What They are Teaching?)...................................537. Doctors and Nurses and Your Sexual Health (They Say Don't Worry About Sex ... Yet!).....................598. Why Are We Sexual? (Sex Doesn't Mean Love)..............................................................799. The Need to Understand Sexuality Values (Can You Really Tell Kids How to Behave?).......................8510. Let's Teach About Masturbation (Make Sex Play Respectable).............................................9711. Body Image (How You Look, How You Feel, and What You Can Do)............................................11312. It's Time Women Speak Up for Sex (Were Women Really Meant to Suffer?)..................................11913. Many Roads Lead to Orgasm (How Can that be a Perversion?)..............................................12514. The Subtleties of Sexism and Sex Roles (The Penis is a Large Clitoris).................................13315. Homosexuality Needs Understanding (Injustices Must be Protested by Us ALL).............................14316. Importance of Early Influences (You Seem so "Normal")..................................................16117. Abortion, Religion, and Law (My Baby Has No Brain!)....................................................17118. Sexual Pleasuring (Gee! Spot!).........................................................................17919. Sexuality and Culture (I'm No Prude, But ...)..........................................................18920. Adult-Child Sexual Relationships (Write the License Number in the Dirt)................................19521. Are You a Child or an Adult? (Some Research to Watch)..................................................19922. What My Students Want to Know (What is Gerbiling - Don't Answer That!).................................20523. Uncomfortable Gatekeepers (It's Not 1955 - Let's Hear it for Pleasure!)................................21724. Sexuality in the Later Years (Ahh, the Taste of Fine Wine).............................................23125. First Chinese-American Sexology Conference (Escorted by Men with Guns).................................23726. Conclusion (The Final Message: Talk about Sex).........................................................241Epilogue....................................................................................................247
Chapter One
INTRODUCTION (The Condoms are Next to the Toothpaste)
I guess this book should start at the dinner table. If you looked through my family picture albums you would think that all the Young family ever did was eat and eat only turkey. That's because a) we always have turkey for the holidays and b) turkey is easy to cook for a crowd. And we ALWAYS took pictures on holidays at the dinner table. Anyway, I once cooked a Thanksgiving Day dinner for about 12 family members and friends. It was a group of men, women and children of all ages, from 13 to 87. Thanks to my mom, we all sat at the same table - no kids' table. Not really one table, but tables put together and disguised as one by draping table cloths. As is often the case at my dinner table, the subject of sex came up. My having taught sex during most of my adult life seems to give permission to folks within a three-foot radius of me to talk about, joke about, or question sex. This particular discussion was about AIDS and one of the parent-aged members made the statement, "What idiot doesn't know how to use a condom?"
"Well," said I, "it may not be that easy. Let me show you." Now, I just happened to have a plastic model penis in my closet. Later you will understand why I had a penis in my closet. I went into the bathroom and got a condom, pushed the dirty dishes aside, and began demonstrating the unwrapping of the condom. Some people continued eating their dessert while others stopped and held their forks midair with open mouths. At first, I placed the unrolled condom upside down on the head of the penis and tried to unroll it. Of course it wouldn't unroll. Try it, you'll see, it can't unroll.
"Now, do you know what happens in an actual situation? People are often in the dark (literally and figuratively) and sometimes in a hurry. Once they discover the condom won't unroll, they turn it around and place it on the penis again. Now look. The surface of the condom is contaminated with early cum which could be teaming with sperm and possible disease. When it's turned around, the cum is now on the top, the end that goes into the unsuspecting partner," I continued, "the condom is now lethal, it needs to be discarded!" I had to be dramatic because some don't realize that an excited penis "leaks" early fluid that contains possible germs and sperm - and you know what they can cause!
I continued, "If that isn't bad enough, think about what happens next when the man ejaculates. The penis immediately gets small. The condom can fall off, get stuck in the partner's body, and it can spill the semen. Whoever is using the condom must be instructed to grab the condom at the base of the penis during use. If this sounds difficult, that's because it is. It's not easy to intercourse while holding the condom. Once ejaculation occurs one must withdraw immediately away from the partner's body while still holding the condom. Very tricky. (Notice I used the word "body" and not "vagina" here. I never know who is doing what with whom and I certainly wouldn't want to assume that everyone is heterosexual. Penises go into many body parts and I don't want to eliminate anyone or any activity.) At this point everyone was most attentive. They began to ask questions. This is where I shine. In order to spare you who said what, I'll just summarize here so you get the gist.
If one wants to prevent the exchange of body fluids during a sexual encounter, the condom used correctly, is the best defense we have - but it isn't perfect! Misuse of a condom is responsible for many diseases and many unwanted pregnancies. I used to recommend spermicidal condoms for added AIDS protection. But it has been learned recently that condoms with spermicidal coating may not inhibit the spread of AIDS as well as plain condoms. This dinner happened about 15 years ago and I want to be sure you, my reader, are up-to-date.
There may have been a few embarrassed faces at the dinner table but no one was bored. All paid rapt attention, so I continued. "The mechanics of condom-use is just one aspect of disease and pregnancy prevention. Picture inexperienced first-timers." (And I was pretty sure there were some at the table.) "They have to first get hold of a condom. In order to do that, they have to admit to themselves that they plan to be intimate." Even that isn't easy. Now some eyes were wandering and rolling.
We live in a culture that assumes sexual intimacy should be spontaneous with no forethought. We are supposed to be swept off our feet. Especially women. A young woman who pulls out a condom during her first sexual encounter (or even subsequent ones) is looked at with suspicion. Women are supposed to be innocent and ignorant about such things. How can she be innocent and prepared at the same time? It isn't possible. Yet generation after generation continues to expect "innocent" women and "experienced" men. Consider the poor young man contemplating his first encounter. He is expected to know it all. And if he doesn't, he sure as heck has to act that way! With trepidation he approaches the condom display. Size, color, flavor, style. So many decisions. On top of that, he has to look cool in case anyone is watching. I can't imagine him asking the female clerk for assistance.
While I had their attention, I couldn't resist a mini-lecture: Public schools continue to fight the battle for comprehensive sex education. Some school administrators become so weary they throw in the towel. The past national administration would not fund programs unless they taught abstinence-only. Schools that promote healthy, realistic sex education attempt to break down the barriers of condom-use. They want to at least make it easy for teens to get a condom. They do not distribute them as some nay-sayers think. Schools provide information, such as I have just given. They also provide opportunities for young people to role play (buying a condom, discussing condom-use with a partner, saying yes to a partner, saying no to a partner). They may also have condoms available, but they do not distribute them! Schools also discuss religious condemnations associated with condom-use and the reasons for such restrictions. They provide young people with the opportunity to assess their own values as well as potential partners' values. Such instruction helps students to maintain their own values while respecting those of their peers. Such instructions help with the understanding of relationships. A 'no' means 'no' and is not necessarily a rejection of the person or the relationship. Perhaps most important, sex should not be forced. In other words condom education is not taught in a vacuum. It touches on respect, responsibility, and personal values. But to hear opponents to sex education, one would think teachers dance through the halls throwing condoms at kids.
Most youngsters would have us believe they didn't expect to be intimate. Or they convince themselves they were swept off their feet in a fit of unexpected passion. Maybe they are, but they sure better have a condom handy whenever they are in a "possible" situation. It's difficult to teach that we are all responsible human beings (or should be), so kids use the "it wasn't MY fault" excuse in such situations. Of course, I know some adults who use the same excuse. It's a wonder there aren't more babies named "Whoops"!
Back to the dinner table. I then gave my "lecture" on the purpose of a condom. It may sound stupid I know, but rarely do we say out loud that the purpose of a condom is to have fun. It is also to cover a penis before the penis is accepted into another person's body. Its purpose is to prevent the exchange of body fluids - the semen, vaginal secretions, rectal fluids, or oral moisture. The condom protects the partner as well as the man using it. They also should know that women pleasuring women also need to use barriers in order to protect against spreading diseases. At this point there were murmurs of "come on Elaine stick to the point, don't go getting detailed, and yuck"! I told them the point is they should know this stuff in case they find themselves teaching others. And in body conversations there is no such thing as "yuck"! This group needed lots of education, but I was afraid I would lose them if I didn't stick to condoms.
I ended my talk by emphasizing penal / vaginal intercourse is not that pleasurable for young women in early relationships. It takes much practice for the female to become orgasmic with intercourse - if at all. I reminded them that condoms were for pleasure and if a woman is involved, her enjoyment is as important as his. What we older, more experienced women know, is that other sexual activities (often more safe than intercourse) may be needed for female pleasuring. Thus, to teach condom-use the old fashioned way supports the traditional message that sex means intercourse and intercourse only. From a young woman's point of view therefore, abstinence of penile/vaginal intercourse could be a wise and healthy activity. Some of the men at the table squinted their eyes in disbelief, "come on, get out ..." (There will be more on the pleasuring of women later.)
"Now tell me any damn fool can use a condom ..."
While I had the penis out and a captivated audience, I demonstrated a testicular exam for cancer. Testicular cancer is the most common solid cancer in men between the ages of 19 and 35. The young people at the table had not had sex education in schools and were not yet in college so they didn't know these health facts. And at least one older man didn't know anything about the testicular exam. My father said, "I didn't know that!" Never too late, I replied even though he was far out of the statistical danger. (As an aside, this particular testicular exam lecture led to the discovery of a cancer in a young male acquaintance the next year. It is heart-warming for me to hear some positive results of my teaching!)
Anyway, a few years later I overheard my friend Joyce, who had been at the table, relate this Thanksgiving dinner conversation to her friend, "I was amazed at how easily Elaine discussed these issues with the young and old people right at the dinner table. Penises, testicles, cum, and AIDS all over a turkey dinner!" Joyce is my really good Catholic friend and I often bounce my "lectures" off of her because she will tell me if I am on or off target. Apparently I was right on.
Then I couldn't help telling Joyce the rest of the story: The next year one of the young men, who was present at the dinner, came to my home with a woman friend. During the visit, the woman left the room for a few moments and he asked me if I had any condoms. I was busy at the sewing machine and didn't want to get up.
"Yes, look in the medicine cabinet. The condoms are next to the toothpaste," I replied. After awhile he excused himself and apparently found the condoms. "Thanks a lot, Elaine," he said and soon left with his friend. Perhaps my Thanksgiving dinner provided one young man with the courage to take responsibility.
"Good grief, Elaine," said Joyce, "you should write a book. Every parent and person for that matter should be able to talk about sex no matter what or where. Why do we have to be so embarrassed?"
So I began to think. There should be no one sit-down session with a kid to tell about reproduction or how a man or woman "should" behave. There is also no one place for sex education to occur. As a matter of fact, sex education really does occur daily. It can be discussed at the dinner table, in the car on the way to grandparents, or at a family picnic. The point is, sexual messages are present everywhere and any time. Sex is expressed through dress, through everyday conversations, within television commercials and programs, and in the newspapers. I find myself evaluating nearly every human encounter for it is my belief that our society is unaware of how subtle messages inundate our every day lives. Culture is a subtle teacher and we need to be alert to the understated messages. The only problem is most people aren't aware of what they are teaching - or what they are "learning."
Now I know that most families may not keep condoms next to the toothpaste. They may not even keep condoms in the house at all. The point is that health discussions (pro and con) about condoms and sex are best if they are approached as openly and as nonchalant as mouth care and toothpaste types. The controversies related to condoms should be discussed just as the use or non-use of fluoride in the city water supply is discussed among family members, young and old. However, unlike mouth care, sex talk within families is still "out of the ordinary" in our culture.
I know some of my conversations may seem "shocking" because I challenge religious values that perpetuate unhealthy behaviors. But what are we going to do? Stay silent in order to preserve decorum and unhealthy religious teachings? Continue to hide our collective heads in the sand and pretend youngsters (and elders) are not sexual beings? Are we to keep our kids ignorant until families feel comfortable? Families must normalize sex talk to break down barriers to sexual discussions. But until they do, there will be people like me - and that's not so bad!
An example of conflict is the very use of condoms. The Catholic Church condemns their use on the grounds that nothing artificial may create a barrier between the possibility of a sperm meeting an egg. This teaching puts many Catholics in a quandary. But it is a quandary only they can resolve. All I can say is there are some health benefits gained through condom use. Thus, families may help their young resolve such conflicts and not leave value clarification solely up to peer pressure.
From the get-go I want to be perfectly clear. I want to speak to folks who struggle with the conflict between health and religion when it comes to sexuality. Some of the topics I talk about are absolutely, positively against some religious teachings. And yet there is an inkling that maybe, just maybe, there's something folks may want to question about their own religious backgrounds or religious teaching. There may be some help for these folks in this book. For it must be difficult to be conflicted between health and religion.
It's these vague sexual misconceptions related to our society's religious teachings that keep people silent with kids, elders, and even lovers. If one continues to struggle with personal sexuality, I strongly urge speaking to one's religious leaders or physicians. Don't be surprised if one of these professionals becomes embarrassed, changes the subject, or worse, makes you feel like a pervert for even asking a sexual question. Very often these professions have very little sexuality education.
We live in a culture that pokes fun at people who admit to sexual ignorance. Since our society often refuses to teach comprehensive sexuality in our schools and parents avoid the subject like the plague, everyone has to go around making believe they know everything about sex. The key word in that last sentence is comprehensive. Most schools do teach anatomy and physiology, but very few go into behaviors and values.
I omitted some facts in the story at the Thanksgiving dinner table. I didn't want you to think this would be a book of dry information. But there are some interesting points that I need to make. Did you know that condoms are only about 85% effective in preventing pregnancy and probably just as effective in disease prevention? Not perfect odds! Some would say "better than nothing" while others would say it is better to not take the chance of exchanging body fluids in the first place. Abstinence of body fluid contact is 100% effective. Thus, we enter the controversy of abstinence-only sex education vs. comprehensive sex education. Comprehensive sex education includes values education and we want kids to understand values as well as behaviors.
(Continues...)
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