Couple Communication After a Baby Dies: Differing Perspectives

Couple Communication is a unique book that helps bereaved parents at the time of their loss and in the days and months ahead. It offers hope, encouragement, and promotes healthy communication between partners who have suffered the ultimate loss of a baby.

Such a loss can shake the very core of a relationship, changing parents forever. The long process of healing can be significantly enhanced if parents remember things such as: 'Love and loss are a part of life, just as joy and sorrow are a part of the human experience. Don't add to your pain by attempting to deny your loss...talk with each other, tell your partner what you are feeling and what you need. Don't try to hide behind work or keeping busy or staying in bed.' The authors also offer extensive advice on the importance of communication, some of which includes, 'Communication is not only what you say, but how it is perceived by the person listening. Communication is also what you don't say as you interact. Judging each other's words and deeds by using your intuituition or making guesses is dangerous. When you are in doubt, don't assume, instead check it out - ask. Make communication a priority, even during difficult times. This could be the key to saving your marriage and strengthening your love for each other.'

Sherokee and Tim share their insights--insights that have the benefit of decades of hindsight - as a man and a woman following the deaths of their children and how they and their spouses met many challenges. In addition to sharing their personal 'couple' stories, the authors present topics such as 'Personality and past experiences often influence how each of us grieves,' 'Give each other the benefit of the doubt,' 'A challenge to faith,' 'Just because it looks broken to you does not mean it needs fixing,' 'Brain differences may influence how we grieve,' 'Will having another baby miake it better?' 'Regrets and guilt,' 'Intimacy,' ' and Compromise and getting along.'

Toward the end of the book, the reader will find other couples contributions and a later section offers thought provoking questions and conversation starters to be used privately by couples or in support groups or counseling sessions.

Sherokee Ilse, a bereaved mother who has experienced a miscarriage (Marama), a stillborn son (Brennan), and an ectopic pregnancy (Bryna), is also the mother of two healthy sons and has been married for over 30 years to David. Motivated by her losses, Sherokee wrote one of the early books on infant loss, Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death...Surviving the First Hours and Beyond (over 300,000+ copies in print). Since her first loss, she has become an international speaker and trainer on this subject, as well as on general bereavement. She has started a national non-profit organization, served as a consultant, and has been involved on many boards of other pregnancy loss organizations. She has been a guest on national television shows such as Oprah, as well as many regional radio and television shows throughout the world.

Sherokee has written, co-written, or published seventeen books/booklets. Her website is a favorite for both bereaved families and professional careproviders. Sherokee continues her mission to help improve the care of and societies response to those who have a loved one die, especially a child.

Tim Nelson, and his wife Monica, experienced the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. Folowing his daughter's death, Tim wrote, A Father's Story - When a Baby Dies, one of the first perinatal loss support booklets for fathers. He also volunteered with the former Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center, eventually serving as president of the board. In the mid 1990's, the communications and design business he co-owns founded a company that publishes and distributes resources worldwide for grieving families and their caregivers -- A Place to Remember.

In 2004, he authored A Gude for Fathers - When a Baby Dies, a pocket-sized resource for bereaved dads. He is also the publisher of Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God. Tim is certified by the Grief Recovery Institute as a training specialist and conducts outreach programs for those experiencing change and loss in their lives. He has spoken both nationally and internationally on topics of grief and loss, specifically as they relate to men. He has four living children.