Life expectancy worldwide increased by thirty years in the twentieth century. Even so, many soon-to-be retirees don't expect to live decades beyond eighty. They typically haven't thought much about what their lives will be like after retirement, except to be glad to be done with rising at the break of dawn, punching time clocks, and fighting crowds on lanes or trains. But after two or three years of retirement, the days become dull, and their bodies become listless. In contrast, other retirees engaged with the world are seeking out fulfilling projects and programs. These people are looking for things to do-ways to use their newfound years to fulfill old dreams. Once they did, they did not describe life as a half full (or half empty) bucket; they needed two buckets to hold the summation of their lives! These are the people who inspired the writing of Dance until the Music Stops. With personal experiences, research, anecdotes, insights, and humor, author Esther C. Gropper developed this guide to help seniors enjoy their retirement and learn the "what's what" of extended life.

Dance until the Music Stops

An Inspiring Guide to Extended LifeBy Esther C. Gropper

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Esther C. Gropper
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-5406-0

Contents

Introduction.....................................................................................ix1. You Are Top Priority.........................................................................12. Questions We Need to Ask.....................................................................93. Life as an Investment Folio..................................................................154. We Are Living a New Kind of Tribal Life......................................................195. Taking Personal Inventory....................................................................236. Meeting and Greeting.........................................................................297. Finding New Interests........................................................................358. Art of Conversation..........................................................................399. Things You Can Learn from a Donkey...........................................................4710. Health.......................................................................................5311. There Is a Process for Choice and Change.....................................................59Living for Change................................................................................5912. What a Time We Live In: Changing Mores.......................................................6513. To Exist Is to Change........................................................................7314. Accepting the Changes........................................................................8115. Sunshine and Rain in the Ebbing Years........................................................8916. Memoirs......................................................................................9317. Are Your Juices Still Flowing?...............................................................10118. Stored In Memory.............................................................................10719. Imp of the Perverse..........................................................................11120. Awaken the Brain.............................................................................11721. You're Primed for Adventure..................................................................12322. Sexuality in the Elderly.....................................................................12923. Romance and Sex..............................................................................13724. Fun-Loving Seniors...........................................................................14125. Dealing with Problems........................................................................14526. Re-channeling Emotions.......................................................................153On wounded feelings:.............................................................................153Anger............................................................................................154Loneliness.......................................................................................156Stormy Weather...................................................................................158Recommended for disappointments and for healing a rift in your relationship:.....................16027. Choice Is Everything.........................................................................16528. Know Thyself.................................................................................16929. Learn to Fit In..............................................................................17330. Life Is a Ballet Dance.......................................................................17731. Stay on the Happy Side.......................................................................181Passion and Perseverance.........................................................................189One Inspired Person Affects a County.............................................................19232. About the Author.............................................................................21533. Acknowledgments..............................................................................21734. References...................................................................................221

Chapter One

You Are Top Priority

Jacques Brel, playwright and lyricist of Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris, identified the two important dates in life: your birth and your death. That said, it's up to you to fill in the drama and comedy that represent "your hour upon the stage and then is heard no more," except in the memory of those who knew you.

How can we fill that time?

Old answers are no longer viable.

We are the first senior adult population with what can be considered an extended generational life span. We are a new generation of an older population with no previous models before us. We have longer lives, stronger lives, and active minds and bodies seeking a new approach to the added years. Quite possibly, this is an evolutionary step up in human development. Yes, we have had elders living into the 90's and 100's before but never as notably as in the contemporary period.

Life expectancy worldwide increased by thirty years in the twentieth century. In the United States, it might be slightly higher. Available census figures show an increase of 4.5 million people in the United States since 1998. The population 65 and over in the year 2000 will increase from 35 million to 40 million (a 15 percent increase) and then to 55 million in 2010 (a 36 percent increase for that decade). One of the messages to be deduced is that society must find ways and means to make longevity a benefit or blessing, not a burden.

The generation now in their seventies, eighties, and nineties is novel. Extended age opens new passages never traversed before; new questions and solutions never considered before; new modes of living never lived before. Because the aging community is reshaping its perceptions and values, old solutions no longer reconcile with older people. Old answers are no longer viable nor are they desirable. For instance, taking refuge with children is old hat; old hat is old stuff. The very word old is outmoded. Our senior population possesses vigor and vitality; its members approach life energetically, like lively molecules seeking new arrangements.

Maintaining that high level of energy and interest is a top priority, and it doesn't take a proverbial rocket scientist to figure out why when we live in a youth-oriented culture. Stylists make very little distinction between ages: clothes are cut to fit a good figure—good meaning slim. Meanwhile, on another wavelength, you are urged, cajoled, and pressured to exercise while being lectured on its value every day. If you're in your twenties or thirties, you're eager to keep that size four or six, so you're diligent about the before- or after-work gym program. After that, it's a challenge to stay trim. You conscientiously watch your diet, walk the ten blocks to the bus or train, walk a flight or two of stairs instead of taking an elevator for short stops, keep your body moving more, and adhere to good health routines.

Staying youthful is a state of mind; living a life that keeps the bounce in your step will positively influence the image you convey. Think of pleasant things to do, retain excitement in your voice, stay positive, and stay trim. I don't mean that women must be a size eight or ten, or men must have a thirty-two-inch waistline, but no matter your size, fight the bulges and lumps. Let me tell you that doing yoga, attending dance exercise classes, and walking daily—at least a mile—does wonders. I don't weigh much less than I did at forty, but I am taking in seams since I started a regular daily program of exercise. And I do feel peppy.

A number of accomplices can assist us in this personal quest. Hairdressers primp us with modish flips and swirls; yoga trainers prompt us to tune up; massage masters roll a little extra fat from the thighs. Our skin can have the glow we want, enhanced as skin is by the finest creams, which do shade out little wrinkles. Nutritionists busily devise tempting uses of veggies and fruits; there are times you have to chuckle over the fanciful presentations. Thus, being well put together, top to toe, inside and outside, you are primed for adventure, and your age is anyone's guess.

Do you gasp when you are told about someone reaching one hundred years of age? There were 92,127 persons 100 or older in 2008 (0.24 percent of the total 65-and-up population). This is a 147 percent increase from 1990 figure of 37,306. Can we safely estimate one million at present?

Early this year, we celebrated the hundredth birthday of Manny Mandel. Because he had been financial advisor to the Footlighters, an organization of professional performers, they threw a party for him at the Miami Country Club. The festivities included dinner followed by professional entertainment. The officers of the club presented him with a gift of lifelong membership.

Manny smiled broadly, his blue eyes still a-twinkle, and asked, "Do you have enough money for that in your treasury?" His face was hardly wrinkled, except for laugh lines. He hadn't lost his spirit or his humor.

Extended age opens new passages never traversed before; new questions and solutions never considered before; and new modes of living never experienced before. And, as mentioned earlier, the old solutions don't resonate with older people.

Irving S. tells me that when he was widowed at age eighty-five, each of his two daughters offered their homes to him. His response: No thank you. He explained, "I will live independently as long as I am able and then, if need be, I'll go to an assisted-living residence. But living with my children is not an option for me. I love them both and know their love and concern is sincere, but I need to exercise my freedom to go where and with whom I wish without imposing on my children. I know they would not feel imposed upon. Theirs is honoring the elderly, protecting with love, but I don't want to be protected when I still feel like their protector or providing what they might like to enhance their homes; sometimes being able to do things for them is good for me. I am still capable and proud. And despite any protest, I know moving in with them would alter their way of life. Again, no thank you."

As for Abe K., he lived alone for five years, testing the extent of aloneness he could endure. "I failed the test. I'm happier being among people." He is content living in an Independent Living Center.

Many seniors' unwillingness to live with their children reflects a change of perspective. Additionally, many people entering their later years are more financially prepared than in the past. Pensions have made a difference. Investments seem secure, although many have taken a hit and have had to adjust their sights. Science has also contributed many innovations that keep them relatively healthy. These factors do contribute to a good frame of mind. Many have retained or developed a sense of humor.

Irving had two residences, one in New York and one in Florida. He was still enjoying New York life—the museums, adult classes, concerts, theater, and social and religious events—into his nineties. His children did prevail upon him to stop traveling back and forth. He gave up his apartment in New York and still regrets having done so.

Independence, however fleeting, is cherished. Many elders get their first taste of unwanted intrusion imposed on them by children who sell their car. Something like culture shock sets in. Their ability to live their lives responsibly is habitually questioned and tested. Their accounts and distribution of funds are challenged, tethered, altered. Some children become authorities presiding over their parents' expenditures: how they budget and pay their bills, not to mention how they eat, drink, sleep, and recreate. These children also fuss over Dad's or Mom's pills. A sense of distrust or judgment begins to affect older people, diluting their independence.

Can we ever change the mind-set of a public that believes older people are senile? My greatest peeve is with people who immediately question the memory or state of mind of seniors: "Are you sure you can't find it? Did you look in unlikely places, like the refrigerator?" "Do you really want to travel?" "It's so difficult for an older person ... why don't you get an aide?" Why?

Granted, many elderly become fragile, halting, and handicapped. These people may need special care, but forgetting a word or a name does not signify dementia, Alzheimer's, or any other ailment requiring supervision. Yes, older people are prone to a long list of debilitating ailments, but people have to comprehend that more than 50 million people over 65 are living in the United States this year, with a projected 20 percent increase expected in the next decade. About 11 percent (3.7 million) of older Medicare enrollees receive personal care from a paid or unpaid source. The rest are capable of meeting their own needs, and most want to live meaningful lives.

This huge, relatively healthy population, capable of spending their days and evenings in pleasant diversion, continue to search for and inevitably set guidelines for future generations of elders. Gloom and doom are not in their lexicon. Elders may move more slowly and with less energy, but they seek companionship for walks and trips around town, even travel abroad. They are capable of clear and profound thinking. Sumner is 102 years old and plays duplicate bridge with scoring a few times a week. He will invite a partner to dance during social events. Edith B., retired Captain, WACS, WWII, anticipates her 100th birthday in April 2012 with crackling humor, decorative barette in her hair and bounce in her walk.

There are many elders whom we admire and emulate. If they are fortunate enough to have their mates, they find greater safety and pleasure in their relationships. They are sharing and enjoying their togetherness, still holding hands—even if it's for balance—and feeling grateful that they've weathered rough seas and remained together. When they do look back at what disgruntled them in the office, what set them back in their careers, what caused them to stumble on the rough road of life, they can weigh those rough times against the good years, the advances made, the joy of bonus years, and the lessons they learned and shared. Most people come out ahead.

What is ahead for couples that have traveled the family and/or the career road? Change? Giving up big homes for smaller places with less upkeep and care? Seeking new places of interest they had no time for in their busy lives or knew only through post cards? They might visit a museum or scan brochures for courses they could take on subjects they never had a chance to pursue. An expanding horizon is before them.

Doing new and different things soon leads to considering more adventurous prospects, like moving to a new place. Wielding their asset of mobility, off they go to the Carolinas, Florida, California, Arizona, or any other state or country that entices them.

What about the many people who have lost or divorced mates? What are their choices? Some of the above, with even more options! There may be some doubt about how younger generations define future, but the definition among the single older generation is now. Now is when they need answers to their questions. Now is when they want to do things, go places, meet companionable people. Yes, you've come to a fork in the road: take the old way or try a new one? You may well remember the cryptic smarts of Yogi Berra: When you come to a fork in the road, take it!

Should you deny your past? Not at all! There's much value in the experiences you've acquired, much that has been sorted out and retained. It's called wisdom. The older generation keeps hoping that such wisdom will impact their younger ones, that subsequent generations will recognize how caring and perseverance can be relied upon when the road gets bumpy, that they will give their all in solving perplexities that arise instead of becoming dependent on counselors if and when the threat of divorce—or whatever spoils reasonable agreement—seeps into their relationships. Everyone lives with the unknown, is knocked around by the unknown, and learns the power of the unknown.

Chapter Two

Questions We Need to Ask

At lunch with one of her friends, Bluma S. shared thoughts about a series of lectures she was to give on "The Golden Years: Are They So?" when her friend quickly replied, "For me, it was a loss. Not only loved ones, family, friends. Most of all of myself." The implications were clear. She mourned the loss of energy, faculties, people who played significant roles in her life, the conduct of her life. She showed the symptoms of what Bluma called the existentialism of despair. The challenge was to find replacements for the missing parts, recover, or even have some access to the will to keep trying. What was it I did that made me feel good in the past and accomplished? What didn't I do that could have enriched my life? Who and what made a difference? The people I wanted to be with, talk that is stimulating.

Bluma quietly asked, "Why aren't you gathering new and cheerful people around you? Haven't you observed people with handicaps who feel good about themselves, have a great sense of humor and are very creative?" (These very traits describe Bluma herself.)

At dinner that evening at the senior residence where we live, Bluma, still troubled by her friend's despondency, asked her dinner companions how they viewed life. Paula said, "I look at life as a bucket. You can fill it, fill half or you can keep it half empty."

That challenged me to ask Bruce R. about the way he viewed life. Without hesitation, he answered, "Well, I'd have to ask for two buckets." His remark revealed how richly experienced his life was and how well he enriched the lives of others.

We were to learn more about what made aging acceptable and gracefully experienced for Bruce. And for others. We were well aware of people for whom aging was frightening, a span of uncertainty and loneliness that Heinrich Heine (19th century) said was the worst poison. What made the difference? How was one to alleviate the sadness? Why was the bucket empty for one and yet another person wanted two to carry the gifts of life? Was it all a matter of luck? Didn't most everyone have his share of sorrow and joy to carry through life? Kahlil Gibran, Persian poet, offered: Of life's two chief prizes, beauty and truth, I found the first in a loving heart and the second in a laborer's hand. Kahlil Gibran had the great sense of awe of life's bounty that we find in people like Bruce. Perhaps many humans aren't schooled to focus on the more inspiring lessons of our great forebears. Does it redound upon us to ask if there are more ways than one to measure the contents of our buckets?

How and when do we begin to fill the buckets? Bruce's childhood was in revolution torn Russia where Communist rule was ruthless on the capitalists. The Rabison family gathered together whatever possessions they could carry and became refugees on a long trail towards a haven. They were fortunate to arrive in the United States able to re-establish home and business. Flaming red haired Bruce received his education at the Yeshiva, a parochial school, and went on to receive his B.S. with exceptional honors at the Yeshiva University. The President of the Yeshiva University, Dr. Bernard Revel, called Dean of Harvard Law School, Dr. Jim Landis, to urge his acceptance of three graduates with exceptional accomplishments.

They were the very first Jewish students admitted to Harvard Law School. They set the precedent for the future. The Dean of Harvard Law School called Dr, Revel with this message: If ever you have students of their caliber, be sure to contact us.

All three students received their law degrees in 1937, at the height of the Depression. Law interns, generally, were hired without pay but with his credentials, Bruce received $5.00. per week. When he worked assiduously on the research and brief preparation for the success of a case that was awarded an unprecedented settlement and received nothing but a thanks for his intense efforts, Bruce decided law was not going to offer him a livelihood for many years nor the fulfillment of his hope to marry and support his lovely Evelyn. He met Evelyn when he boarded at her mother's home for room and kosher meals. She was fifteen years old when he came there. He watched this snippy adolescent grow in to a tall blonde beauty; she watched his finely etched face take on maturity. Physically, both developed aristocratic confident stature.

(Continues...)

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