Disposable: When Dating Is Not Loving Your Neighbor

Disposable: When Dating is Not Loving Your Neighbor…exposes the root of selfishness pervading the dominant dating culture of today and offers a better way to find love in the 21st century….Johnson’s work is a must-read for anyone, Christian or otherwise, who is pursuing a romantic relationship.
-BlueInk Review (starred review)

Johnson’s prose is polished, powerful, and to-the-point. His observations about the defects of the current dating scene are spot-on, and his faith-based ideas on how to mitigate them are clear and well defined….A dating guide that will enlighten, encourage, and instruct Christian readers.
-Kirkus Reviews

What if almost everything you’ve heard about dating and relationships is wrong?

What if it’s really not about techniques or methodologies that promise success in finding that special someone?

Are you tired of the dominant dating culture where people are considered disposable?

Disposable explains that culture, which is based on selfishness, and draws a stark contrast between the selfishness of dating and the love called for by the great commandments, in particular, the commandment to love our neighbor. Disposable shows that these commandments would have us make friendship the basis of our relationships, including romantic ones. A historical review of marriage-minded relationships includes a discussion of how dating arose, how it evolved, and how friendship got shortchanged in the process. Practical suggestions are made for singles, and everyone is encouraged to embrace friendship—rather than selfishness—as the better basis for relationships. Thought-provoking questions are presented at the end of each chapter, which can be used for individual reflection and/or group discussion.

Disposable will challenge your thinking about dating and give you a heart-check on what really counts in relationships.

Disposable is suitable for younger adults trying to understand the dominant dating culture as well as for older adults trying to make sense of their past.

approx. 38,000 words

In Disposable: When Dating is Not Loving Your Neighbor, Daniel E. Johnson exposes the root of selfishness pervading the dominant dating culture of today and offers a better way to find love in the 21st century.

Johnson is a skilled wordsmith whose discomfort with the modern dating scene spurred him to research and pen his concerns. He states, "The dominant dating culture would...have us believe that people are disposable--that they are to be used and then discarded." He clearly contrasts this mindset with "the unconditional love called for in the Bible" and suggests people focus on developing true friendships rather than self-indulgent fantasies. Johnson believes shifting the focus from "what can I get?" to "what can I do for others?" will lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships, less heartache, and fewer failed marriages.

Throughout, Johnson's clear insight into the unhealthy motives that prompt a person to romantically pursue another is honest and sobering. His quick, concise analysis of the modern dating culture lays bare how people manipulate and use others to boost their ego, satisfy lust, fill emotional voids and more. Equally impressive is his grasp of the biblical principles that he believes can remedy the epidemic of discarded, hurt ex-lovers who may never fully recover from rejection and feelings of worthlessness.

Johnson also includes a fascinating look at the history of courtship illustrating that "dating is a relatively new phenomenon that arose in America in the early 1900s." Though a "good culture" may "provide a check on bad behavior," he proposes that "the human heart ...remains unchanged since the fall of the human race (Genesis 3)." The best answer to the problem with dating is the Bible's "great commandments to love God and our neighbor and...build intergender relationships around friendship."

With end-of-chapter discussion questions and a non-preachy tone, Johnson's work is a must-read for anyone, Christian or otherwise, who is pursuing a romantic relationship.

Also available as an ebook.

-BlueInk Review (starred review)
 

Debut author Johnson explores the history of courtship and romance, condemns modern dating culture, and offers a Christian alternative.

Dating can be a complicated and often brutal affair. According to Johnson, a self-described "scientist by profession and...philosopher at heart," one reason for this is because of rampant selfishness on the parts of many of the participants: "We shop around for relationships in...a 'meet market,' with one eye on what we want and the other on what we think we can realistically get." The author paints a grim picture of contemporary dating, offering well-supported, annotated criticisms and drawing on the research of social scientists, such as Dorothy Holland and Margaret Eisenhart. He then takes a step back and explores the history of romance in the Bible and through the last several centuries. Finally, the book wraps up with the author's practical advice on how to date in a way that's consistent with Christian principles, including how to stay "Sexually Pure." Johnson's main premise is that romantic relationships, like platonic ones, should follow two great commandments of the New Testament: "We are to love God, and we are to love our neighbor." So instead of being caught up in the fickleness of romance, he asserts, couples should seek to build their relationships on a solid foundation of friendship. By doing so, they may avoid many pitfalls of the dominant dating culture. Johnson's prose is polished, powerful, and to the-point. His observations about the defects of the current dating scene are spot-on, and his faith-based ideas on how to mitigate them are clear and well defined. The historical section, however, doesn't fit as neatly into the book; although it's engaging and educational, it seems more suited to history buffs or social science students than to young Christian readers eager to thrive in the dating realm. For the latter, the author includes thought-provoking reflection questions at the end of each chapter, which adds great value to the book.

A dating guide that will enlighten, encourage, and instruct Christian readers.

-Kirkus Reviews
 

Contemporary dating culture includes distractions from spiritual bonding, claims Daniel E. Johnson in Disposable, a canny Christian interpretation of heterosexual relationships that explores the motivating factors behind love and marriage.

The book analyzes human desires and behaviors in an insightful way, diving into topics like predetermination, methods and approaches to dating, and building faith through relationships. One section analyzes the deeper meaning of Corinthians's "Love is patient, love is kind," saying that although it's a universal perspective, the passage isn't meant to be descriptive, but prescriptive.
 
The book takes living up to the Bible's standards for love seriously. Divided into three sections, it surveys love, attitudes toward courtship, and building relationships on a spiritual basis. Each of its seven chapters includes a list of thought-provoking questions, including "Has God's influence in your life changed the way you view relationships in general? If so, how?" Its focus is on forming a primary relationship with God, and in an unusual twist, relationships with other people become secondary, growing out of the spiritual connection and shared values.

The book's biblical concepts are traditional, and its focus is only on heterosexual relationships between Christian, cisgender men and women. Its language around gender and sexuality is simplistic. Beyond this, the book's message remains clear and straightforward: inviting spirituality into personal relationships, it claims, will lead to personal and interpersonal growth. 

This process of spiritual growth is outlined in accessible language. The book's examples of relationship goals are old-fashioned, sticking to Christian dogma. The text shares a message that what's mainstream is not desirable and aims to subvert cultural trends like hooking up, premarital sex, and nontraditional arrangements.

In addition to these ideas, the book discusses free will, personal sexual autonomy around abstinence, and building on friendship first. It holds up friendship as an ideal for romantic love. Such work decenters romantic relationships as the ultimate goal or only desirable type of family structure in contrast to ultra-conservative ideals. Here, lovers and friends are to be regarded as equals.

The book will be most important to heterosexual Christians looking to be encouraged to heal what it presents as cultural wounds that prevent happy, functional relationships. Its helpful tools include discussion guides and good advice to build better, kinder, and lasting relationships.
 
Disposable is an insightful guide to Christian dating and relationships.

-Foreword Reviews