The Dogma of Rufus: A Canine Guide to Eating, Sleeping, Digging, Slobbering, Scratching, and Surviving with Humans

So, you’ve been ripped out from your mother’s paws and taken in by a strange family of humans that has kids who insist on flapping your floppy ears and dressing you up like a ladybug. These new human-folk are trying to “teach” you things, like sitting or not ripping apart their fun-looking shoes, and you might start to think you should try to “obey.” But I know better; I’ve been around the block and peed on most parts of it. Puppies like you need my—wait, somebody just walked in with a hamburger. Gotta check this out.

Ok, back now. Anyway, to survive in this world filled with brown-clad fools delivering packages and leashes, you need my guide to show you what’s what in this dog-eat-dog world of ours. Like dog beds; your human might try to force you to sleep in one of these, but with my sly techniques I can show you how to weasel your way into their clean, fresh-smelling king-sized bed, or even stretch yourself out and have it all to yourself. Those imbeciles might think they are your owner, but you’ll show them who really owns who armed with knowledge on these subjects:

- Advanced barking—how loud and annoying can you go?

- Cars—catch your Moby Dick

- Licking—what, where, when, and why

- Biting—ask questions later

- Welcoming guests—try not to hyperventilate

- And much more!

Communicating with humans can be difficult, as they are not very smart, but they give you things and throw you balls, so you might as well try to amuse them.

Rufus is a ruggedly handsome Bulldog mix who enjoys chasing Frisbees and UPS guys, and long, romantic walks on the beach (no leashes). He’s seeking a female dog—any age, any breed—for a casual encounter.

Larry, Zack, and Joey Arnstein are a father and sons trio and are all writers. Larry Arnstein was a writer for Saturday Night Live and won two Writers Guild of America awards for the television show Not Necessarily the News. He and Zack are the coauthors of The Bad Driver's Handbook, The Dog Ate My Resumé, and The Ultimate Counterterrorist Home Companion. Larry lives in Santa Monica, California, Joey lives in Portland, Oregon, while Zack lives in Santiago, Chile.