When we become attached, we allow our partners to show us a mirror—the resulting image may be distorted, but we cannot remain unaffected by what we see.

The two partners' emotional relationship is the the heart of couples therapy. It is composed of the partners' feelings about themselves and each other, and it is revealed in the affective tone of their communications.

Partners stop being open and vulnerable when they perceive threat. In an attachment relationship, either the relationship or the self is threatened.
Responses to perceived threat often create reciprocal threat for the other partner, leading to cycles of threat and counter-threat that keep the relationship perpetually unsafe.
An insecure partner may tolerate threats to the self (realm of Esteem) in order to maintain the relationship (realm of Attachment).
Each partner has working models of Self and Other, and each partner resonates with the affects associated with the other partner's model of Other—he resonates with her model of him, and vice versa.
In conflictual relationships, conflict arises as he keeps trying to change her perceptions and/or portrayals of him (her working model of him), and vice versa.

The goal of the Emotional Safety model is to help couples therapists identify and eliminate threats to emotional safety. Partners can then be more open and vulnerable as they address their issues.

About the Author

Don Catherall's professional life centered on two things: trauma and relationships. He published the first guide for families dealing with trauma, Back from the Brink (1992), edited the Handbook of Stress, Trauma and the Family (2004), and created the Emotional Safety model of couples therapy (2006).

The Emotional Safety model mixes seamlessly with most other therapy models—its focus is on making the emotional relationship safe. Each partner is then able to be open and vulnerable, providing the best mindset for therapy.

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