Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Betrayed Partners

However you have discovered Facing Heartbreak, the simple fact that you are

reading this right now shows that you are a person of enormous courage.

We understand that you are likely going through one of the most difficult

and painful seasons of your life. There are days when you may want

to give up and just leave. There are nights where you may cry yourself to

sleep or stare at the ceiling feeling hopeless and more alone than you can ever

remember. There are times when you may feel misunderstood and unappreciated.

There are weeks where you may feel like your life has been shattered

into a million little pieces and you want to wake up from this nightmare. There

are moments where you may blame yourself, your family, and God, wanting

to scream, Why me?

We are therapists who have worked for years with clients healing from

compulsive sexual behavior, commonly known as “sex addiction,” and with

their spouses and partners who have been deeply wounded. We empathize with

the pain you have been struggling with. We have seen firsthand the strength

it takes for the hurting partner or spouse to move through the trauma of discovery,

the bitterness of betrayal, the fog of confusion, and the humiliation and

anger. And we know the kind of courage it takes to reach out in order to heal.

We are here to support you as you take hold of your own emotional

well-being. As you begin the work in Facing Heartbreak, we will support your

process one step at a time. Yet we will not sugarcoat what is ahead. Healing

from the pain of a loved one’s sex addiction is not an easy journey. It is an arduous

process that will take time, an investment of daily effort, and emotional

energy—especially when you may feel that you have none to give. Healing

takes place in the midst of the chaos, trauma, and enormous hurt that is the

unfortunate, but very real, consequence of being in a relationship with a sexually

compulsive partner.

However, as therapists who do this work every day we want to reassure

you that by giving yourself the gift of your own recovery, you will begin to see

hope again. Eventually you can create a peaceful, healthy life.

Stefanie Carnes, PhD, is president of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). In addition, she is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an AAMFT approved supervisor and a regular speaker at national conferences. Her area of expertise is working with clients and families struggling with multiple addictions, such as sexual addiction, eating disorders, and chemical dependency. Dr. Carnes is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and Supervisor (CSAT-S), specializing in therapy for couples and families struggling with sexual addiction. In the past, Dr. Carnes has served as the director of several residential addiction treatment programs. For example, she was a director at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Human Services in Hattiesburg, MS, where she supervised and managed the sexual addiction unit and family therapy services for the drug and alcohol rehabilitation unit, the sexual addiction program, and the eating disorders program. In her role as research director at Pine Grove, she oversaw all research projects in the facility. In addition, Dr. Carnes has served as a faculty member at numerous universities, including the University of San Diego. She is the author of numerous research articles and publications, including her books, Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts and Facing Addiction: Starting Recovery from Alcohol and Drugs. Dr. Carnes resides in Phoenix, AZ.

Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who has trained with Dr. Patrick Carnes. Mari is the founder and director of Growth Counseling Services, a private practice therapy and recovery center with offices in Pasadena and Glendora, California. Mari received her Master of Arts degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena, California, where she wrote her thesis on the impact of Internet pornography addiction on the female significant other. In addition to the clinical work she does with individuals and couples, Mari also leads weekly sexual recovery groups for both men and women, and has developed a cutting-edge curriculum for the partners and spouses of sexually compulsive clients. She is a respected writer, speaker, and presenter on women’s issues, sex addiction, and trauma. Mari has extensive experience in the clinical non-profit arena where she worked therapeutically with children, adolescents, adults, and families in the areas of sexual abuse, anger management, trauma, obsessive-compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse. Mari also received specialized training and certification in domestic violence through the California Association of Batterer’s Intervention Program (CABIP) and led several therapy groups for victims of domestic violence, as well as anger management classes for perpetrators of domestic violence. She is a member of the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH). Additionally, Mari facilitates workshops and weekend intensives for men, women, and couples in the areas of relationships, healthy intimacy, and communication. Mari is currently working on a new book for women on healing self-image through balance, connection, and creativity while recovering from relationship and abandonment wounds. Mari resides in Southern California, where she enjoys hiking, yoga, kickboxing, traveling, and spending time with family and friends. To learn more about Mari’s work, visit her website at www.marileetherapy.com or contact her directly at marileetherapy@yahoo.com.

Anthony Rodriguez, MSW, CSAT, BCSA, LISW, LCSW, is the founder and clinical director of the Men’s Center in Iowa City, Iowa. He earned his Bachelor of Science Degree in Education (with a focus in counseling) from the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee, and his Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from Loyola University–Chicago. He is clinically credentialed in Iowa and Illinois. Anthony is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and is Board Certified in treating sexual abuse by the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress. He is also a Fellow with the Wisconsin Sex Offender Treatment Network and is Technical Consultant with the Office for Victims of Crime Training & Technical Assistance Center (U.S. Department of Justice). With over twenty years of clinical experience in treating trauma, addictions, sexual issues, and other mental health concerns, he has worked in a vari­ety of treatment settings in London, Chicago, Milwaukee, and the Quad Cities. In his practice, he provides individual and couples therapy and facilitates a monthly Men’s Forum for sexually compulsive men, and a Women’s Forum for their spouses. He is trained in EMDR and family/divorce mediation, and has interned at the Loyola Sexual Dysfunction Clinic/Stritch School of Medicine. He is a seasoned presenter and has provided clinical trainings nationally to other professionals, universities, and the general public in the areas of sexual addiction, spouses of sex addicts, and survivors of sexual abuse. He has also provided critical incident stress debriefings to organizations and companies that experienced violence and trauma in their environment. Anthony was a member of the Board of Directors for Male Survivor, formerly the National Organization against Male Sexual Victimization and has served as the Program Chairperson for their International 2007 Male Survivor Conference in New York City—drawing in over 450 survivors and professional participants from around the world. He was also one of their clinical facilitators for their Weekend of Recovery program for survivors and the co-recipient of the Fay Honey Knopp Memorial Award. Mr Rodriguez resides in Iowa City, IA. To learn more about his work, visit his website at www.themenscenter.net or contact him directly at adrodriguez@themenscenter.net.