Too Fat To Dance is a hilarious story about one young lady's struggle to follow her ultimate life goal. With the encouragement from her eccentric family, Taffy Johnson is proof that dreams really can come true when off-beat Southern hospitality, Spinach Madeleine, and Bloody Marys are all involved.
Too Fat To Dance
By David LuckAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 David Luck
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-1799-6Chapter One
Welcome to Alexander and Come Meet the Family!
Alexander, Louisiana is located in the center of the state. Population is about 50 thousand. It's the bull's eye on the target of unoriginal. Alexander has a lot of similarities to cities in Texas where football, cheerleading and beauty pageants are the # 1 priorities. Unlike Lafayette and New Orleans, Alexander has very little character and what character it does have is stale. It's a town that does not like change.
There are a few good attributes to this common center point of the Pelican State, such as two extremely unusual families: The Waters and The Johnsons.
First, Glen and Maple Waters. Glen's family owned Alexander's first department store (appropriately named: Waters). Eventually, Waters Department Store specialized only in jewelry. Glen was a beautiful boy and the only child of William and Ann Waters. He graduated with a degree in Business from Tulane University. Glen's dedication and knowledge of business brought to Waters Jewelry remarkable success. By 1950, there were six Waters Jewelry Stores located throughout central and north Louisiana.
The young, handsome entrepreneur met his wife Maple at a Christmas party which he gave for all his employees who worked at his Alexander and Natchitoches stores. Maple was the guest of Mrs. Vanderlick who managed the china department for the Alexander store.
Maple was from Woodworth, Louisiana. She wasn't a beauty, but she was as cute as a bug (one with a stinger). Maple loved parties and started smoking hand-rolled cigarettes at age seven. The petite pistol was the daughter of Ken and June Jacobs.
Ken Jacobs was an alcoholic who worked as a butcher. June Jacobs was taken to a home of the insane when Maple was just a little girl. June thought she was a cow which made it extremely difficult to be married to a butcher. The last straw for Ken was when he came home from work one day and found June, naked as a jay bird, in the pasture eating grass with their neighbor's cows.
Maple had two older brothers who were murdered by an angry drunk. The young men were running an underground moonshine business and were shot to death by a customer who had no money for his fix.
When Glen Waters was first introduced to Maple Jacobs at the store Christmas party, he thought she was the cat's meow. After only dating for four months, the two were married. Needless to say, Glen's parents were not thrilled with his decision to marry Maple. The flirtatious flapper disturbed William and Ann Waters.
After two years of marriage, Glen and Maple Waters became the proud parents of adorable twin boys. They named the little fellows: Ash (short for Ashley) Jacob Waters and Hank Richard Waters. Maple thought about naming the babies after her two older brothers who were killed, but Ducky and Ernie Joe Waters - just didn't fit her beautiful boys. The Waters twins were different as night and day. Ash was about school and sports. Hank was about peace and performing.
Ash's goal was to take over the family business; therefore, he decided to attend Harvard to earn his MBA. Spring Break of 1966 changed Ash's life forever.
He found Gert Couvillion, the most amazing person in the world, and the woman with which he would share the rest of his life.
The two met at the Kappa Alpha fraternity house when Ash was visiting a friend who attended Tulane. Gert (which is short Gertrude) had just gotten kicked out of Loyola for not going to class. To celebrate her freedom, she decided to go with a few friends to the Kappa Alpha luau which was held in back of the frat house. Ash had noticed Gert immediately when she walked in wearing a bright pink shirt and a grass skirt. She was with two other attractive girls, but Ash didn't notice them. His focus was on the beautiful girl with big green eyes and olive skin. As she greeted everyone on her way to the open bar, he watched every move she made.
He smiled when Gert gave the black bartender a big hug. Apparently, the man had worked at several of her parent's social gatherings. Ash couldn't get over his infatuation with her. She worked the crowd, oblivious that the back of her skirt was smoking. A long, dry blade of grass from the skirt had landed in a candle that was on the bar when she was giving the bartender a hug. Ash quickly ran over and tackled her to the ground, rolling her over and over. When her skirt stopped smoking, Ash, who was laying on top her, smiled and said, "I think we got it out." Gert, looking eye to eye at this strikingly handsome man with deep blue eyes, pitch black hair, and a chiseled face, replied, "I hope you're not this rough getting it in." The two then burst out in laughter. From that moment, the two instant soul mates have been together.
The next day, they had breakfast at The Royal Orleans. They consumed cheese grits and omelets while being consumed with each other's life stories; also consumed were six hours worth of Bloody Marys. As Ash, Gert also came from money. Her family owned the Cajun Coffee empire.
While Ash was away finishing his studies at Harvard, Gert ended up staying with her wealthy aunt in Shreveport and concentrated on her art work. The two were married three days after Ash's graduation and settled in Alexander so that he could help run his family's jewelry stores. After the stores were sold to a major chain in 1972, Ash and Gert moved to Lafayette. He put his MBA from Harvard to good use and made a fortune in oil around the late seventies when the oil business was booming in Lafayette. In 1975, Gert's father became ill and she and her brother, Carl Couvillion, inherited the Cajun Coffee Corporation.
The Couvillion family was one of the most prominent families in New Orleans. It seemed like every year, one of Carl's eleven children could be seen in the wedding announcement section of Town & Country. Although Gert enjoyed her frequent visits to New Orleans for business matters and to see her brother's family, she eventually sold her part of the Cajun Coffee empire to Carl. In 1976, Gert had triplets and Ash made millions in the oil field.
Because of Ash's early financial success, he retired and moved the troop back to Alexander in 1989 where they lived in his family's historical mansion. He and Gert spent 2-million dollars renovating his parents' plantation and the triplets attended high school at Holy Cross, which was the only private Catholic school in town. The triplets inherited Ash and Gert's good looks and the three, two boys and one girl, all had personalities of their own.
Sophia was a no nonsense type of girl, a classic beauty with the street smarts of a successful drug dealer. William (who was named after his grandfather) was the quiet brilliant over-achiever and the only one of the triplets with blonde hair. H.J. was the good ole boy and class clown. He barely made C's but his attitude and disposition achieved A+ status. His initials stood for Hank, Junior. He was named after his uncle, who was his father's favorite person in the world, as well as his twin brother.
Unlike Ash, Hank Waters was never involved with the family business. After graduating from Alexander Senior High, he moved to New York City to fulfill his dream of becoming a famous comedian. Hank didn't have to struggle much financially because of his wealthy family back in Alexander. He attended acting classes and did a few Off-Broadway plays. When he turned 23, he joined an unknown comedy troupe named The Banana Bunch, who were somewhat similar to Second City out of Chicago.
The Banana Bunch consisted of three men and two women. They did mainly sketch comedy routines that were performed in nightclubs around the city that never sleeps. The troupe had a semi-successful run. In 1964, they appeared on Broadway Tonight and a year later performed on The Ed Sullivan Show. Hank had a unique talent for making hilarious facial expressions, which was odd for someone with such a strikingly handsome face. He had an intelligent sense of humor that would (most of the time) go over the average person's head, therefore, he usually played the straight guy in the comedy routines.
Everyone in the troupe went their separate ways in 1967, except for the two women. They fell in love and are still together today. Both are English professors at a small university in Nevada.
Hank's big break came when he moved to Los Angeles and played a milkman who had a crush on Eve Arden in the sitcom, The Mothers-In-Law. The producer of a future comedy variety show just happened to catch Hank's appearance and thought he would be perfect for his show. He saw Hank as a Lyle Waggoner but with an edge. The two had a productive lunch meeting at the Hollywood Roosevelt and before long, Hank Waters became a regular on the now legendary Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. Hank and the show instantly became a huge hit. He stood out from all the other male cast members because of his physical beauty. Most all funny people have a different look that adds character to their routines, but in Hank's case it was ironic that a guy who could be a model or leading man, would be so creatively blessed in the humor department.
Every Monday night at eight p.m. from 1968 to 1972, America would watch him throw out one liners about The Vietnam War while dancing at the famous cocktail party.
Hank never had a signature character unlike several of his cast mates who were made famous by them. In 1970, many of the show's regulars moved on to pursue newfound careers. That's when the ratings began to drop.
After leaving Laugh In, Hank did a few pilots that never aired and appeared in three episodes of Love American Style. The closest to Hank's former success on Laugh In happened in 1973, when he replaced Paul Lynde as the center square on the Hollywood Squares. Paul was being treated for his addiction to pills and vodka. When Paul returned to the squares clean and sober, Hank decided to take a vacation.
He flew to New York to see old friends, catch a Rolling Stones concert, and to meet the girl of his dreams. During his stress release week off from Hollywood, Hank attended a party given by Charles Nelson Reilly. There were mainly theater people present, and a few of his cast mates from Laugh In. While taking a break from schmoozing, Hank sat down on the sofa to smoke a cigarette. A tall beautiful woman with dark brown eyes and blonde hair sat beside him.
"Those things will kill you," she said to Hank. He replied, "Do you make that statement before or after you get your pay check?" Hank knew this lovely creature beside him was Elizabeth Peters, who was a model that did magazine and television ads for New Boss, and New Boss was a cigarette designed for the modern woman and some (predominately hairdressers) men.
Although, Elizabeth was ten years younger than Hank, the two had a lot in common. Elizabeth was from Tyler, Texas and loved to laugh. The two hit it off right away and she ended up moving to Los Angeles to be with him a month later.
They lived together for three months while she continued to model and he did a few television commercials. They fell in love and decided to get married.
The wedding setting was Elizabeth's hometown American Legion Hall. It definitely wasn't a scene from The Plaza in New York or even the typical reception at the Alexander Country Club. Elizabeth's parents were strict Baptists, which meant no alcohol was involved. Swedish meatballs, cocktail weenies, pimento cheese sandwiches, and lime sherbet punch were served at the reception instead of boiled shrimp, Oysters Rockefeller, and an open bar.
The Peters were proud people and did not have the income for an elaborate wedding. The money that Elizabeth would send them would go to her younger siblings' college funds. It was a very odd situation on December 7, 1973, on the anniversary of the bombing of Pear Harbor, when the Waters and the Peters attempted to celebrate Hank and Elizabeth's marriage.
Totally opposite from the Peters, Hank's parents, Glen and Maple were the typical wealthy couple in central Louisiana. Glen spent his days and nights at his jewelry stores.
After making millions from selling his stores, his life was playing golf at the country club, which he and four other prominent businessmen started in the late 40's. Maple never worked a day in her life. She mainly planned parties, drank scotch, and watched soap operas.
Maple was definitely set in her ways. For example, she refused to watch the popular 60's sitcom, Hazel, about the maid that ran the household. She thought it was ridiculous and out of line for the help to have that much power. Eventually, she axed Days of Our Lives from her viewing schedule (when the story line involved a white man falling in love with a black woman).
Both Maple and Glen were proud of Hank but Ash could do no wrong. Hank wasn't a golfer nor did he wear a Rolex. Glen and Maple heavily drank and smoked every day, which at the time did not seem unusual. Their maid, Annie Johnson, pretty much raised Ash and Hank.
The Waters were not pleased at all about the wedding arrangements. Very few of their friends were invited and the nicest motel at the time in Tyler, Texas was the Holiday Inn. Thank goodness there was a bar in the lobby. Both sets of parents were civil to one another but the family bond never happened. For the Waters, attending Hank's wedding was similar to being a champion chess player in a room full of bingo addicts. Regardless of family friction, the two lovebirds honeymooned in Madrid for a month, then returned back to their small house in the Hollywood Hills.
Elizabeth's career took off. She accepted an offer to model furs and caress refrigerators on, Price It, It's Yours, a new game show. Hank was offered a regular spot on Hee Haw. He turned it down because of his loyalty to Laugh In; not to mention the show's humor impaired demographics. He decided to take a year off from the limelight to write a comedy for a sitcom pilot in which he could possibly star.
Elizabeth's game show stint only lasted three months, since it was a cheesy version of The Price Is Right. She appeared to be okay about the cancellation, because she wanted to spend more time with Hank. Before Hank started on his writing project, he decided that it would be fun for he and Elizabeth to meet up with Ash and Gert in New Orleans for Mardi Gras.
The couples stayed at Gert's brother's elaborate condominium in the French Quarter. Because of Gert's family connections and debutante demeanor, every night they all attended elegant krewe balls and the Crescent City's best parties. The day before Fat Tuesday, they all decided to take in a few parades.
Elizabeth had way too many Hurricanes at Pat O'Brian's early on, and was belligerent throughout the day. Apparently, she really was upset about her game show's cancellation since she would ask people on the street if they watched the Price Is Right.
When they would say, "yes," she would then tell them they needed to take Bob Barker's advice and be spaded. The Mardi Gras crowd went crazy as the Wizard of Oz float was fast approaching. Little people dressed as munchkins were throwing huge beads with tiny red slippers attached. The aggressive bead snatchers fought like wild wolves to get their hands on the beautiful throws.
Elizabeth had wondered off from Hank, Ash, and Gert. Her instant mission was to get her hands on the beads that represented her favorite movie of all time. Surprisingly, she broke through the crowd and security barricades. Possessed with the costume jewelry, Elizabeth darted in front of the giant Oz float, now just a blur of rainbows and blood. With the gunning speed of the truck pulling the cotton trailer, Elizabeth was crushed instantly. Four midgets were seriously injured after the sudden impact catapulted them into the crowd. Hank, who had several hurricanes himself that day, was locked in a portable john at the time of the horrible incident.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Too Fat To Danceby David Luck Copyright © 2009 by David Luck. Excerpted by permission.
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