I'm Florally Challenged: And Other Mostly Humorous Tales and Poems

I’m Florally Challenged, which is inspired by some real life events and occurrences in author David Colpitts' life, is a collection of 21 short stories and poems that will make you laugh and reflect on life.

In the author's own words,

“This book will divert your thoughts with a mix of humor and irrelevant observations.

Some of the stories are true. Some are more true than I care to admit, since I can't recall the names of flowers (the title story), fit into a wet suit nor remember to floss.

Some are almost fabrications. Have you taken a young lady hiking or to soccer practice when she is more interested in young men? There can be consequences. You might get a kitten!.."

Excerpt from I’m Florally Challenged by David Colpitts:

“My barrel chest and washboard stomach have switched places. That phenomenon has changed more than my mating habits. It has changed how wetsuits fit me.

My old suit was past its life expectancy. I needed a new one for white- water canoeing in rivers refrigerated by glacial water.

Hypothermia, I’ve heard, is one of the better ways to go, but could render the dearly departed unsuitable for an open casket and I wanted my mother-in-law to see that I had died with a smile on my face. Clearly, I had to get a new wetsuit.

An internet search showed they were readily available online. The sizing seemed straightforward enough: weight, 155 to 180 pounds, height between 5’9” and 6’0”. Medium-large. That’s me.

The online catalog showed models steely-of-eye and firm-of-chin looking movie star sleek, muscles distinct beneath the rubberized sheath. With a few clicks of the mouse, that could be me.

Well, not quite me. I would have to practice the steely-eye gaze essential for seeking a route through tricky eddies and currents, just like those canoeists pictured in the wetsuits.

The ever-present chiseled chin might be a problem, too, but I did have a few days to bushy up some facial hair to hide my three unchiseled chins.”

David Colpitts writes essays, short stories and doggerel. Some of it is fiction. He used to work for the Government of the Northwest Territories in Yellowknife writing position papers, briefing notes and minister's statements. Some of it was non-fiction spin.These days, he spends most of his time hiking, backpacking, travelling, volunteering and procrastinating. Oh, and practicing his harmonica in the forlorn hope that someday someone, anyone, might recognize a tune. He winters in Arizona and lives in Canmore with his wife and his cedar-strip canoe. All three are retired.