A guide for women on understanding African-American men is a tongue-in-cheek reference that provides a wealth of dating suggestions, multiple-choice tests, and insights into how and what men really think at every stage of a relationship. 50,000 first printing.
CHAPTER ONE
mirror, mirror...
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
who's the jazziest chick walking the mall?
Every time I ask, you always say ME,
and if that's the truth, Mirror, then where's my PC?!
I'm not talking computers or being politically correct.
I'm talking about Prince Charming; should I put you in check?
My good stuff needs global warming, and did I forget to mention
my mother wants a grandbaby, and my intellect needs attention?
Do I need to remind you how patient I've been with this game?
Each day you say my man is coming, but each day ends the same.
So stop stalling, eye-balling, and reflect something new.
Show me his photo, his address -- Hell, a first name will do."
"Hold on, baby girl (he's a ghetto mirror), don't roll your eyes at me.
Everyday you look at yourself, and I tell you what I see.
You beautiful, you smart, you the no limit AmEx card.
You motivated, you sharp -- and your 'milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.'
You look at me with attitude, like I don't bring men your way.
You said the first guy was too short. The last guy 'looked' gay.
And all the guys in between, you said were too broke or too nice.
I brought you the single schoolteacher, but you wanted the rapper with a wife.
I agree, Mike is a weed head and Dwayne is way too chatty.
Granted, Rick is single now, but he's also your best friend's baby daddy.
I brought you the NBA athlete, but you cried foul when he was never home.
So next I brought you righteous Raheem, but you couldn't leave that pork alone.
Then there was Christian Chris, but he lived with his momma.
There was jovial Joel, but you said he looked like Osama.
Everytime I find you the next Barak Obama,
You go chase some L.A. actor who only lives for drama.
And Jamaican James was cool as a tropical breeze,
But you instantly claimed he had O.J. tendencies.
Hey, I finally know what your problem be,
So let me break it down easy, for you to see:
Before a man can love you the way you deserve,
You have to put aside your desires and work up the nerve
To look within.
"In other words, Boo,
Before I can help find the One, you must first find you."
It's a simple truth: Before you can begin to know what kind of mate or relationship you want, it helps to have some sense of who you are. It may seem like a no-brainer, but based on the sheer number of TV shows, syndicated radio programs, books and magazine articles dedicated to relationship issues -- not to mention a select group of grown-ass women clamoring for the affection of Flavor Flav -- self-evaluation is a basic step that many people are skipping.
A mate is supposed to enhance your life, not fill in all the gaps. Remember that line from the film Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise tells Renée Zellweger, "You complete me"? Well, that has to be the dumbest line I've ever heard. Complete yourself! Another dumb one is, "I can't breathe without you." Oh really, now? If that were the case, every time a couple broke up there'd be a bunch of dead folks lying around. Before you get all caught up in some high-speed cat-and-mouse chase with a man, you have to get to know yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. That means knowing the basics about you.
Who are you?
And before you start describing how you look; rattling down the list of your accomplishments; stating whose child, mother, or sibling you are; or listing all your possessions, take a moment to really think about who you are -- minus the various accouterments, labels, and notions that you or others may let define you. It's not that those things aren't important, but they're the enhancers, not the true you.
So, who are you? What are your beliefs and convictions? What are you passionate about? What are your values? Are you religious? Are you an atheist? Do you put a premium on book smarts or street savvy? What do like to do for fun and leisure? Are you high maintenance? High strung? Or can you just relax and go with the flow? Do you always put the cheapest gas in your car? Are you always in the streets or more of a homebody? Do you like kids? Do you like other people's kids? Hell, do you like your own kids? If you met a guy with kids, would that be cool with you? Are you short-tempered or patient? Are you a control freak whose mantra is "My way or the highway"? Are you a people person or a loner? What do you want out of life? These are the types of questions you must ask yourself and answerhonestly in order to be realistic about who you are. Moreover, you have to love and accept yourself -- flaws and all. That doesn't mean there's no room for growth, but you first have to have a clear understanding of what needs improving.
ARE YOU READY TO DATE?
1) You refer to your ex-boyfriend as:
a. "Mr. Wrong-for-Me."
b. "the liar and the cheat."
c. "my man" -- because things ain't over until you say they are over.
d. "my ex" or his name.
2) If you suddenly see your ex-boyfriend, you:
a. start searching for the knife that you keep in your purse for these kinds of occasions.
b. give him a polite nod or hello, and keep it moving.
c. immediately go in the opposite direction no matter how long it takes you out of your way.
3) Your idea of planning for the future is:
a. a savings account and a 401(K) plan.
b. "What future?" -- you believe in living for today.
c. the weekly lottery ticket you purchase from the 7-Eleven.
d. marrying well.
4) The man you call the most is:
a. the pizza man.
b. your maintenance man.
c. your dad, grandfather, brother, or gay best friend.
5) Your idea of a perfect date is:
a. Sunday visiting hours at the penitentiary.
b. dinner and a movie.
c. reviewing your date's credit report.
6) Which song would best describe how you act when you are in a relationship?
a. "Dangerously in Love"
b. "You're Gonna Love Me"
c. "Ordinary People"
7) "All men are __________________."
a. dogs
b. liars
c. different
8) Your favorite stress release is:
a. exercise.
b. sticking needles into a voodoo doll of your ex-boyfriend.
c. sex.
d. eating.
9) What you find most attractive in a man is his:
a. bank account.
b. job.
c. personality.
d. physique.
10) You currently have:
a. a restraining order against you.
b. a child that is nursing.
c. no job, no money, and no prospects.
d. none of the above.
ANSWER KEY
1) a-1, b-2, c-3, d-1
2) a-3, b-1, c-2
3) a-1, b-2, c-3, d-3
4) a-3, b-2, c-1
5) a-3, b-2, c-2
6) a-2, b-3, c-1
7) a-3, b-2, c-1
8) a-1, b-3, c-2, d-3
9) a-3, b-2, c-1, d-2
10) a-3, b-3, c-3, d-1
If you scored:
26-30 Stop, Do Not Pass Go!
Go to therapy, join a 12-step program, go to church, or do something. But do not date. You're nowhere near ready.
16-25 Almost But Not Quite
You can read a few self-help books (this book counts) and try again in a few days.
10-15 Get Out There Already!
What are you waiting for?
Some of you allow a relationship to totally overtake you. It completely defines you. Once you enter it, it's like you lose yourself and become an extension of him. Suddenly you're down to go anywhere he likes to go for fun. All of his friends are now your friends. You dress the way he likes you to dress. You watch the television shows and movies he likes to watch. His favorite sports team is your favorite sports team, which is strange 'cause you don't even like sports. You never raised a barbell, but becausehe likes to work out, you sign up for the deluxe gym package that you abandon after one week. Hell, I even know a woman who never, ever smoked weed, but because her man indulged, she became a blunt-roller extraordinaire!
I, like a lot of men, actually love it when a woman becomes an extension of her man -- to a point. If we wanted to date ourselves, we'd never come out of those long, hot, relaxing showers we like so much.
If a guy becomes your entire world and you two break up, you'll have no clue who you are or what to do next. In fact, people at the clubs will still call you K-Mac's girl, because that's the only thing they ever knew about you. You wouldn't believe how many women leave every aspect of their own lives up to their man, and when he's gone, they're lost and have the toughest time moving on. Those are the types you hear about, who key their ex-boyfriends' cars or wait in the bushes for them to show up somewhere with their new women, so they can jump out and throw rocks. They simply can't remember who they are without their exes. Consequently, they've lost themselves and their minds.
Now don't get me wrong, I know some men do the type of dirt that makes women want to destroy property, step to them, or worse. But no matter how satisfied a wronged woman may feel immediately after pulling some scandalous stunt on an ex-lover, I've never heard anyone say that they truly felt better in the long run. The temporary satisfaction of revenge is just that: temporary. All that plotting and drama is never a guarantee that you'll win a man back, or get even after a man's wronged you. On top of that, you just might find yourself with a police record before it's all over. Next thing you know, he's telling everybody he left you, because you were nuts. Acting out is never worth it.
MEN LOVE TO SAY SHE'S CRAZY
Dear ladies,
Black men love to say you are crazy if you do or say anything that resembles crazy. Sometimes we do it only to convince ourselves that our childish and immature behavior is normal, so no fault or blame lies with us. But other times, it's you! Boy, I have stories that would make you want to shake a grown woman by the shoulders and yell, "What were you thinking?" No one likes for crazy to unexpectedly jump out and start tap dancing. We do not care how you got to that state of mind. If you know you are not in the correct state of mind to meet any men, take all the time you need to get better.
It is a proven fact that men make unst...
