THERE REALLY is no trick to making a Graceful Exit. It is all about moving on rather than moving out. The things that happened in our past that we cannot repair we must let go of. In order to make a graceful exit, it is important that you understand what must take place. It is about God's omnipotent grace and antidote forgiveness. You must forgive if you are to develop to your full potential. The forgiveness will heal and free you to break up the fallow ground that has kept you lingering in the past. It will also heal the brokenness of relationships, whether intimate or friendships. This book will discuss and help you recognize those crippling thoughts and behaviors that can hinder you from making your exit.

How to Make a Graceful Exit

Letting Go of the PastBy Janice M. Green

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 Pastor Janice M. Green
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4389-9439-0

Contents

Preface...................................................................ixIntroduction Been there, done that: Social Work!.........................xiiiChapter One What is the Graceful Exit?...................................1Chapter Two Trapped by Truth: My Own Story...............................11Chapter Three Letting Go.................................................23Chapter Four Forward March! Move on with Forgiveness.....................39Chapter Five Green Light, I'm Finally Moving.............................49Chapter Six A Friend Indeed..............................................61Chapter Seven My New Place...............................................69Chapter Eight Making Sense in Your Season................................77Chapter Nine It's Never Too Late.........................................87Epilogue..................................................................97Notes.....................................................................99

Chapter One

What is the Graceful Exit?

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, flowing with milk and honey, Exodus 3:8

When an oyster is irritated it makes a pearl. However, a great deal of time must pass in order for the oyster to produce the pearl. Gold is refined by fire; diamonds are mined, crushed, cut and then shaped. What is the correlation of the above statements? It is time. Time has taken place and the end product is the result of what happened prior to its existence that passed. Many people will experience such molding and shaping in comparison throughout life. This will occur when a person has decided to make a graceful exit to their future. To get to your future and live in contentment you must learn how to let go of the past that is irreparable.

Let's look at the word "past". A simple definition I chose from the Webster's New World College Dictionary is "whatever was has passed or gone by. It is over."

I am an admirer of John C. Maxwell and I have read a number of his books. While reading one of his books I came across a quote he used by a newspaper columnist, Ellen Goodman. I found this quote to be very interesting which says, "There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over-and to let it go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry that we are moving on, rather than out."

As I begin to look closely at this quote I chose to focus on letting go of irreparable relationships. Many people have not been able to move pass the pain and hurt they encountered in a relationship that was either intimate or a friendship that was damaged. This caused me to examine my own past experience with a damaged relationship and the pain and hurt I suffered. I began to question myself, had I really made a graceful exit or was I denying my true feelings? I want you to know that through my experience I discovered there really is no trick to the Graceful Exit. The Graceful Exit has a great deal to do with a word call forgiveness. It is forgiveness that will help a person to let go of the past that is irreparable. The key is to recognize when it is time to let go. You are allowed to validate the things that went wrong and what you experienced personally. (Later I will devote to an entire chapter on forgiveness.) However, I want you to understand what the Graceful Exit involves. Forgiveness in biblical terminology is what God gave to all mankind. It is God's grace that He has `forgotten forever' what our lives were like before we came to Him. God will no longer hold us accountable for the things we did in our past that was against Him. When an individual decides to no longer live contrary to God's word they will repent and God will cast all their past into the sea of forgetfulness. You must understand that people are incapable of this type of forgiveness without the love of God in them.

When you are able to forgive at this level you are saying you will no longer hold a wrongful act against the other person. It is important that you stay before God's presence seeking guidance and love for the other person. Who can give us a better illustration than Paul? Philippians 3:13-14 "Brethren, I count not myself to apprehended; but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

I chose to write on this topic placing emphasis on relationships in hopes I will be able to encourage people to let go, but with God's love. To truly make the Graceful Exit you will go through a mental fire; your flesh will be crushed, you will be wounded, bruised and possibly experience self-destructive behavior along the way. Your reliance on God is the key to surviving with self intact. It is not the outside forces that we struggle with. Many times the most severe hurts and wounds are done by those closest to us, and this is why it is so difficult to let go and move on. The scripture gives proof of this in Zechariah 13:6 "And one will say to him, What are these wounds between your arm? Then he will say, those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends."

It is my goal to reach people who are currently experiencing difficulty in letting go of a bad past. I want to encourage them to use the antidote, forgiveness, so that they can begin to recover. Furthermore, I want people to understand that they are responsible for overcoming and healing their own injuries. Do not let the past control your future. You must realize that your move forward does not demote you or make you a second-class citizen. It means that you have taken responsibility for your own emotions and you will not allow them to imprison you any longer with guilt, shame and the hurtful experience. Your exit line, at whatever stage in your life you choose, you grant yourself the access and in doing so you free yourself to move. This can be a physical move, but I am speaking here of an emotional state of mind. You leave behind feelings from the past that you know for certain cannot be repaired so you move on.

The Graceful Exit will help you to successfully move to your future. It will not allow you to hold onto the wrongful doings of others. At this exit you will be congratulated for getting rid of the crippling and negative emotions that are roadblocks. Each exit line that you make will help you to overcome the memories of the past suffering and pain which can keep popping up at different stages in your life. This would be like having your personal "Jack-in the-box", but when you wind it up "Jack" doesn't pop out only your rehearsed ill feelings and hurts.

The vision to recognize will help you stay free of a web of unresolved thoughts. You will accept the reality that this stage in your life has ended. No longer will you be paralyzed by these thoughts; you free yourself to discover what your full potential and purpose in life can be. You will look forward to bright beginnings, new surroundings, ideas, people and places. Your Graceful Exit will be for a better improvement of yourself and life. In the dictionary the word exit means "going out of or making a departure; doing something different." I chose the definition "doing something different" because I believe it will provoke a person to make a change. You will then look for better ways to move forward which allows you to take control of your future. You choose the route and time for your departure and there are no constraints. When this happens you validate what was important or bad that happened to you, and as a result you will no longer hang onto the negative emotions. Every exit line assures you that you are moving on rather than out. It is here you realize you are not being replaced, looked down on or being passed by; you move on to pursue your purpose in life.

The Graceful Exit relies heavily on an individual having a vision. This is the supernatural perception to recognize when it is time to move on. Moving on means you know when it is time to end a relationship, a job or a life stage. You no longer live and perform the tasks that other people set for your agenda. You choose now what is best and right for you. This will give you the confidence that enables you to find out what your true abilities are. You need to understand when you have such a vision do not expect other people to see what you see, because it is your perception alone. You must be willing to take the risk to move on and eagerly seek what your future holds for you.

The vision will need support which usually can be derived from your past experiences. When an individual experiences success it will be determined on the basis they are the owner of the vision. The vision motivates you to stay focused and on track. You will not get lost because you have already visualized what the future holds. People will try and make you waver concerning your future because they are not ready for you to move on. I have also experienced these doubtful people. They will tell you that you are off track or you will become lost as a result of the changes you decide to make to move forward. I once read an anonymous quote that said, "only lost people search aimlessly for a meaningful reason for their existence." I repeat, when you have a vision you are not lost. You must try hard not to listen to these tactics of doubt because they are here only to keep you from making your move forward.

On another note, know that the very things you see and want to hold onto can be the obstacles that hinder you from making a Graceful Exit. Your vision cannot be what someone else perceives or may want for you in their future. It has to be your own foresight to recognize what must take place and what you do to get there. A vision comes from within no one else can give you your vision. Your vision has to be clear so that you can see what you are doing or becoming and to see what you really want to achieve. Your vision will help you move steadily and onward to see a glimpse of what your future holds for you. The vision will also supply you with enough energy to recognize it is time to move forward, because without it you won't have the desire or make the effort to enforce change. Finally, once you have made the decision to make your exit do it.

John Maxwell's rule for decision-making is as follow: "The wrong decision at the wrong time is a disaster. The wrong decision at the right time is a mistake. The right decision at the wrong time is unacceptable. The right decision at the right time is success." I totally agree with the latter. If you make the right decision at the right time it will bring you success.

T.D. Jakes is the pastor of the Potter's House church in Dallas, Texas. I've read a few of his books and watched many of his televised sermons. While listening to one of his sermons he made an interesting statement. He told the audience, "don't let people stop you from moving to the next level, because they like the way you do something, therefore they do not want you to do anything else or differently." I strongly agree with him, because if you are to move forward you cannot be bound by other people's opinions and views of who you are through their eyes.

The Graceful Exit also involves having a good attitude. If you allow the past to make you bitter you will hold a grudge and this grudge will prohibit you from moving forward gracefully. You need to be optimistic. What do I mean when I say optimistic? The optimistic personality will take charge of their future; welcome new challenges and does not see them as calamities. They are willing to take risks and are not afraid to dream. The optimist refuses to give up and their attitude is that one must take care of their future. Most importantly this personality type learns to forgive.

In September of 2002 I read a small article in the Naples Daily News about a man who fits the above description. This article illustrates a good example of how important your attitude is if you want to become successful. The article described a man who took one hundred dollars and turned it into a two billion dollar insurance empire. One of his trademarks was "his ever-present optimism." During the "Depression" he made the statement, "best thing that happened to him, because it forced me to develop good work habits." The point here is that the "Depression" forced him to move forward to this future; by doing so it helped him to make a decision to change which brought about his great financial success. This man was W. Clement Stone. At age sixteen he began selling insurance. He recognized the vision that he needed to move forward. He could not sit and have a pity party, if so he would be destroyed as a result of the damage done during the "Depression." Then at age twenty with one hundred dollars he set up his own insurance company. The article goes on to mention that within eight years or so, he employed one thousand other agents throughout the United States selling insurance for him. I say what a vision and a move forward!

W. Clement Stone could not have had a clear vision with bitterness in his heart, mind and soul. When an individual chooses to believe that life owes them something or they should be paid, this will cause them to remain in the past trying to recover things that are lost. You wait for justice to come and when it doesn't you become resentful. Harboring resentment will cripple or paralyze you so that you are unable to move forward.

Chapter Two

Trapped by Truth: My Own Story

But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ, Ephesians 4:15

It was around 10:30 p.m. I do not remember the exact date. I lay in my bed with tears lightly streaming down my face as I watched an old episode of the sitcom, Felicity. Suddenly I experienced an intense surge of anger and I did not know what brought it on.

This particular episode focused on Felicity choosing a university in New York to attend. She made her decision based on the fact that a young man who she had a crush on during high school would be attending the same university. As I continued to stare into the television, scenes flashed back of her coming to age during high school years as I watched her mature into a young woman. There were also beautiful scenes of places she had traveled. She had aimed high with her dreams and was given a great sum of liberty in choosing what she wanted for her future. It was apparent that both parents were very supportive of her.

I suppose you're wondering why I chose to talk about a TV version of someone's life. It is peculiar, but for some reason while watching this sitcom I realized I had not grown with this maturity and support upon receiving my call to the ministry. Although, it appeared for the most part of my spiritual walk I did have support. Yet, when I knew I had received my divine call from God, I felt the leader deprived me of the nurturing and support I needed to move forward.

I write of my experience not for the purpose of hurling stones or to defame one's character, but it is important that the reader understands this was a difficult time for me. At the age of fourteen I worshipped at a great church where I was baptized in Jesus name and received the gift of the Holy Ghost. The leader was a loving and caring individual who spoke eloquent in the word. It was obvious to all that the leader loved the Lord wholeheartedly. I was instructed in the word of God to live holy and to read God's word daily to know my path for righteousness.

After I had been under this leadership for many years I noticed a behavior surfacing that made things difficult for me at times. I soon realized that the leader was a "control addict", although very loving, always had to be in control of everybody and everything. The members were seen as children; therefore, the church was structured on the basis of a parent/child relationship. Due to the fact that you were seen as children, on many occasions the children were to be seen and not heard.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from How to Make a Graceful Exitby Janice M. Green Copyright © 2009 by Pastor Janice M. Green. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.