Grief Connects Us: A Neurosurgeon's Lessons on Love, Loss, and Compassion

In his exceptionally thought-provoking and moving memoir, neurosurgeon Joseph D. Stern explores how personal loss influences the way physicians relate to patients and their families.

How does a doctor who deals with the death of patients on a regular basis confront his own loss when his beloved sister is living out her last days?

Despite a career as a neurosurgeon, Joseph Stern learned more about the nature of illness and death after his younger sister, Victoria, developed leukemia than his formal medical training ever taught him. Her death broke down the self-protective barriers he had built to perform his job and led to a profound shift in his approach to medicine.

During the year of his sister’s illness, Dr. Stern developed a greater awareness of the needs of patients and their families; of the burdens they carry; of the importance of connection, communication, and gratitude; and of what it means to ask the right questions.

Grief Connects Us bridges the gap between patients and doctors, providing a window into their shared concerns. Interspersing reflections from Victoria's journal, stories of patients and colleagues, and insights from experts, Dr. Stern has orchestrated a symphony of voices guiding us toward greater mutual understanding and appreciation of the beauty and fragility of life.

No matter which side of the patient-doctor relationship you find yourself on, listening with empathy, a willingness to be vulnerable, and emotional agility are skills we can all develop to improve how we meet difficult, unavoidable challenges.

Joseph Stern, MD is a partner in the country’s largest neurosurgical group practice, Carolina Neurosurgery and Spine Associates, and practices neurosurgery at the Moses H. Cone Hospital, the flagship hospital of Cone Health in Greensboro, North Carolina. Dr. Stern has published three recent essays in the New York Times: “Dying in the Neurosurgical I.C.U” (January 14, 2020), “Moral Distress in Neurosurgery” (August 15, 2019), and “Grief As My Guide: How My Sister Made Me a Better Doctor” (September 14, 2018). Visit Dr. Stern at JosephSternMD.com.