Heaven Talks Back: An Uncommon Conversation

God offers tips on valet parking, prayer, sports, the stock market, buying a new car, vacation rentals, and movie sequels

"God's tip of the day: If you're at a fancy restaurant, don't fill up on bread" is not very funny just sitting there on the page. The problem with a book of stand-up jokes is that if you don't read them with the timing and verve of a polished comedian, they just aren't funny. So as Jon Macks is the head writer for The Tonight Show (now transcribing divine revelation), what you have to do is pretend you are Jay Leno giving his monologue. Do this: stand up, put your hands in your pockets, and take them out to gesture at a critical moment; finish a joke with a shrug of the shoulders and a coy, "I don't know"; and if all else fails, look over at Kevin Eubanks and ask him about his girlfriend. Okay? Now try this one: "What gender is God? I am what I am. I am neither male nor am I female. So technically, you are not in my image, Michael Jackson is." There, wasn't that better? How about this one: "I have a plan for each and every one of you. The problem is, the last time I merged my files, I lost it." Like Neale Donald Walsch's books, this is a conversation with God. Is it sacrilegious? Yes. But, hey, He's God; He can do what He wants. --Brian Bruya