Hello, I Want to Die Please Fix Me

A vibrant, compelling memoir that bravely reveals the real-life havoc the depression wreaks and an urgent search for solutions

In her early twenties, while outwardly thriving in her dream job and enjoying warm familial support and a strong social network, award-winning journalist Anna Mehler Paperny found herself trapped by feelings of failure and despair. Her first suicide attempt—ingesting a deadly mix of sleeping pills and antifreeze—landed her in the ICU, followed by weeks of enforced detention. This was Paperny's entry into the labyrinthine psychiatric-care system that provides care to millions of Canadians.

As she struggled to survive the psych ward and as an outpatient, Paperny could not help but turn her demanding journalist's eye on her condition and on the system. She set off on a quest to "know her enemy," interviewing leading practitioners in the field across Canada and the U.S.—from psychiatrists to neurological experts, brain-mapping pioneers to family practitioners, and others dabbling in novel hypotheses. Her memoir opens a window into how we treat (and fail to treat) the disease that accounts for more years swallowed up by disability than any other in the world. She reveals in frank detail her own experiences with the pharmacological pitfalls and side effects of long-term treatment and offers moving case studies of conversations with others.