The Infertility Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know to Cope with the Challenges While Maintaining Your Sanity, Dignity, and Relationships

...invaluable resource for the couple coping with infertitlity...

Introduction

In the early 1980s, as a doctoral student in Counseling Psychology and someone with an interest in sexuality and reproductive health, I began an internship at a fertility clinic. Infertility was not a high-profile issue at the time. Few books and articles were available about the emotional strains of being unable to produce a child. Fortunately, the coordinator of the fertility clinic was committed to finding someone to provide support to the many couples who were struggling to cope with the stresses of infertility and trying to make informed and satisfying decisions.

The year I spent working with couples in the clinic ignited a lifelong interest in assisting people to make informed and satisfying treatment and parenting decisions, deal with the stresses and invasiveness of medical treatment, and cope with their grief and loss if treatment failed. For seventeen years I've been providing psychological support to infertile individuals and couples, as well as doing research and writing articles about the struggles of infertility. Most of my writing has been focused on how mental health professionals can help their clients deal with this very challenging life experience. Many of the quotes you'll find throughout this book are the words of the women and men I've worked with over the years, as well as those who shared their stories and struggles with me during in-depth interviews as part of a three-year study funded by Health Canada (Daniluk, 1996). The study was aimed at learning more about how couples create satisfying lives when fertility treatments fail. Little did I know when I began this work that infertility would also become a personal issue for me. Like so many others, I assumed that if, and when, I decided I wanted children I would just be able to throw away the birth control pills, and after a few months I'd get pregnant. In spite of my experience working with infertile couples, I still assumed that my fertility was under my control. However, I found out I was wrong, and I spent several difficult years trying to become a mother. I was lucky enough to have one child, but despite our best efforts and those of the medical practitioners with whom we worked, we were unable to have another. I recall only too well how difficult it was to finally give away my sons baby clothes and sell the crib and high chair, knowing that Id never be able to use them again. I recall how painful it was to close that chapter of my life by asking my partner to have a vasectomy to help end the monthly torment.

Why Did I Write This Book?

During my own struggles and throughout the years I've been working with infertile couples, it has been difficult to find books that could help infertile clients cope with the unique stresses of medical treatments, the difficulties in making informed decisions about what to do and when to stop, the tremendous impact that being infertile makes on their significant relationships, and the ongoing uncertainty about whether they'll ever become parents. Certainly in the last ten years many good books have come out that have helped clients consider the implications of particular treatment options, such as donor sperm or donor eggs. And some have helped clients cope with adoption and the stresses of pregnancy and parenting after infertility. Some of the more current ones are listed in the Resources at the end of this book. Clients wanted a book that provided concrete strategies for coping with infertility and medical treatment over time. Women wanted something that their partners could also relate to and find easy to read. They wanted and needed something to help them deal with the challenges of infertility and medical treatment, while maintaining their sanity, dignity, and important relationships. That's why I wrote this book.

Who Is This Book For?

This book may be helpful to anyone who must rely on the help of the medical profession to become pregnant. It is written from the perspective of women and men who are trying to produce a child together. If you are single, or a member of a lesbian couple, and you are trying to cope with the personal and relationship stresses of infertility, or the use of third-party reproductive options, you will also benefit from much of the information and many of the suggestions contained in this book.

How Can This Book Help You?

This book can help you understand and cope with infertility. It prepares you for the struggles commonly faced by infertile women and men and provides exercises and strategies to help you manage the challenges of making informed treatment decisions; coping with the stresses of medical intervention; responding to insensitive comments; handling family gatherings; fitting treatment into your life; communicating effectively with your partner; keeping your sex life alive; dealing with guilt if you're the one with the problem; coping with feelings of anger, loss, and grief; and deciding when its time to give up treatment and move on. Arranged in an easy and readable format, each chapter is filled with the compassionate words and wisdom of other women and men who have experienced and survived infertility. Books and Web-site addresses are also listed in a resource section to help you find information and support on specific topics like in vitro fertilization; hormone therapies;! and various third-party reproductive options.

Being unable to produce a child is one of the most difficult and challenging experiences in life. It is an experience filled with pain, loss, and disappointment. It is also an experience that can lead to tremendous growth and learning. It is my hope that the information and suggestions provided within each chapter will help you not only to survive infertility, but to be stronger as a person, and as a couple, as a consequence of your efforts.