Infidelity, a Survival Guide

An affair is a major crisis in your relationship, but one which you can survive. For some couples, once an infidelity and its after effects are behind them, the marriage is actually stronger than before. For others, coming to terms with what the affair was really about can enable a couple to break up with less anger and create a settlement that will offer their children the best hope for a healthy adjustment after the divorce. Infidelity is a step-by-step guide that will help you cope with the emotional impact of an affair and either choose to break up or begin to build a new model for your marriage.

Don-David Lusterman, a psychologist practicing in Baldwin, New York, believes that couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples--Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed. Whether or not a troubled couple chooses to stay together, Lusterman says the best outcome is when both partners experience changes and new insights into their lives. He provides several case studies in which couples began to regain their trust through new communication, and instructs on the kind of feelings-expressing language that can help. (He also provides a section on finding a good therapist.) This book will help people on either side of an affair begin to understand what's going on, and help them find the resources they need to continue that quest. --Ben Kallen