How Not to Kill Your Baby: A Slightly Useless Guide

From writing a birth announcement that wona t attract the attention of kidnappers, to doing criminal background checks on the other parents before having a playdate, How Not to Kill Your Baby is the perfect comedic antidote to parental paranoia. This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the cautionary tale portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll. --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me) Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple. --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan) The s-a-g-e in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to. --Dennis Miller If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine. --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants; The Simpsons) Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever? If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice: * As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets. * It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23. * When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young * It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age. How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting. How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

Jacob Sager Weinstein has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Cracked.com, and is a former contributor to The Onion. He's also written for HBO, NBC, and the BBC.

Jacob and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn't paying attention and the baby carriage rolled into the Regent's Park Duck Pond, neither of his kids was in it. What more could you want from a parenting expert?