"I'm Left and I'm Right!": The Pocket Handbook for Progressives

Perhaps you have heard of the recent surreptitious discovery of a heretofore top-secret handbook. The booklet apparently has been widely circulated among Progressive Democratic Party operatives and is rather explicit in its guidelines for use. This confidential information was forwarded to me by a former card-carrying member of the book's Pocket Progressive Democrats. This fellow is now hiding out in a box of uncounted ballots somewhere in the swamps of Florida.

The booklet is organized around an alphabetical listing of certain words and catchphrases complete with instructions for use and inherent meaning for the faithful zealots. The following is the reproduction of the original manuscript as conveyed to me in a plain manila envelope wrapped in brown shipping paper. Having originally been cautioned about the dangers of unprotected handling of this material, I was warned that the pages of the booklet are coated with an anti-Trump concoction, one that causes the eyes to water, the nose to sneeze, and the skin to itch--but only for President Donald Trump supporters. Despite tearing up, uncontrollable sneezing, and the maddening requirement to scratch that which itches, I have persevered to bring you the following. Please be aware, there is no physical danger to the reader.