My Life on the Line : How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me, and Ended Up Saving My Life

A riveting account of life as a closeted professional athlete from gay NFL player O’Callaghan, against the backdrop of depression, opioid addiction, and the threat of suicide.

“[O’Callaghan’s] story is one of beautiful vulnerability, and it further shows the importance of knowing you aren’t alone.” ―Oprah Daily, recommended by Gayle King

Ryan O’Callaghan’s plan was always to play football and then, when his career was over, kill himself. Growing up in a politically conservative corner of California, the not-so-subtle messages he heard as a young man from his family and from TV and film routinely equated being gay with disease and death. Letting people in on the darkest secret he kept buried inside was not an option: better death with a secret than life as a gay man. As a kid , Ryan never envisioned just how far his football career would take him. He was recruited by the University of California, Berkeley, where he spent five seasons, playing alongside his friend Aaron Rodgers. Then it was on to the NFL for stints with the almost-undefeated New England Patriots and the often-defeated Kansas City Chiefs.

Bubbling under the surface of Ryan’s entire NFL career was a collision course between his secret sexuality and his hidden drug use. When the league caught him smoking pot, he turned to NFL-sanctioned prescription painkillers that quickly sent his life into a tailspin. As injuries mounted and his daily intake of opioids reached a near-lethal level, he wrote his suicide note to his parents and plotted his death.

Yet someone had been watching. A member of the Chiefs organization stepped in, recognizing the signs of drug addiction. Ryan reluctantly sought psychological help, and it was there that he revealed his lifelong secret for the very first time. Nearing the twilight of his career, Ryan faced the ultimate decision: end it all, or find out if his family and football friends could ever accept a gay man in their lives.

RYAN O’CALLAGHAN played right tackle in the NFL for six seasons, with the New England Patriots and the Kansas City Chiefs. Before he was drafted by the Patriots in 2006, he played for the University of California Golden Bears, where he helped the team win two bowl games and was named the 2005 Morris Trophy winner as the Pac-10’s best offensive lineman. O’Callaghan is the creator of a foundation designed to provide scholarships for out LGBTQ+ athletes. All of O’Callaghan’s proceeds from the sale of this book will benefit The Ryan O’Callaghan Foundation (www.ROFDN.org). My Life on the Line: How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me and Ended Up Saving My Life is his debut memoir.

CYD ZEIGLER is the cofounder and coeditor of Outsports.com, the world’s most renowned publication dealing with LGBTQ+ issues in sports. One of the world’s leading experts on the intersection of sexuality and sports, Zeigler has been tapped to discuss the issue by CNN, ESPN, the New York Times, Sports Illustrated, and many others. He has worked with countless athletes to tell their coming-out stories, including professional athletes Michael Sam, John Amaechi, and Ryan O’Callaghan. He is also the author of Fair Play: How LGBT Athletes Are Claiming Their Rightful Place in Sports. A graduate of Stanford University, Zeigler now lives in Los Angeles with his husband and two cats. My Life on the Line: How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me and Ended Up Saving My Life (with Ryan O'Callaghan) is his latest work.