The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are

Be nice, but not too nice. Be successful, but not too successful. Just be likeable. Whatever that means?

Women are stuck in an impossible bind. At work, strong women are criticized for being cold, and warm women are seen as pushovers. An award-winning journalist examines this fundamental paradox and empowers readers to let go of old rules and reimagine leadership rather than reinventing themselves.

Consider that even competent women must appear likeable to successfully negotiate a salary, ask for a promotion, or take credit for a job well done―and that studies show these actions usually make them less likeable. And this minefield is doubly loaded when likeability intersects with race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status.

Relying on extensive research and interviews, and carefully examined personal experience, The Likeability Trap delivers an essential examination of the pressure put on women to be amiable at work, home, and in the public sphere, and explores the price women pay for internalizing those demands. Rather than advising readers to make themselves likeable, Menendez empowers them to examine how they perceive themselves and others and explores how the concept of likeability is riddled with cultural biases. Our demands for likeability, she argues, hinder everyone’s progress and power.

Inspiring, thoughtful and often funny, The Likeability Trap proposes surprising, practical solutions for confronting the cultural patterns holding us back, encourages us to value unique talents and styles instead of muting them, and to remember that while likeability is part of the game, it will not break you.

This evidence-based guide reveals the hidden rules of the workplace and offers a new framework for success:

• The Goldilocks Conundrum: Explore why strong women are seen as cold and warm women are dismissed as pushovers—and how to navigate this no-win situation.
• The Success Penalty: Unpack the paradox that the more successful a woman becomes, the less liked she is, and learn strategies to advocate for yourself without apology.
• Authenticity at Work: Learn to stop contorting yourself to meet others’ expectations and lead in a style that is true to who you are.
• Intersectionality Matters: A crucial look at how the likeability trap is compounded by race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status, with insights for a truly inclusive workplace.

Alicia Menendez is an MSNBC anchor and host of the Latina to Latina podcast. Dubbed "Ms. Millennial" by The Washington Post, "journalism's new gladiator" by Elle, and a "content queen" by Marie Claire, her interviews and reporting have appeared on ABC News, Bustle, FusionTV, PBS and Vice News. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two daughters.