Listen Up, America!

The solution to your problems has plopped right in your lap. Mama is running for president!

Discover How President Thelma Harper would handle:

• Immigration—I’ll tell you how we solve the problem at our border: build senior citizen housing all along the American side. No one sees more than a nosy old lady peeking through her window blinds.
• Emergency Preparedness—Emergency response should be in the hands of the experts who have the resources and determination to respond quickly. I’m talking about Domino’s and Pizza Hut.
• Airport Security—As long as we have to take our shoes off, I will install a shoe-buffing brush inside the X-ray machine so your shoes will get a little shine as they go through.
• Animals—If I have a dog at the White House, I will have it spayed or neutered to control its sex drive, which is something that might have been a good idea for some of our previous presidents.

Thelma Harper is running for president, and the free world will never be the same!

 

Mama for President

Good Lord, Why Not?By THELMA HARPER

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2008 Thelma Harper
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4016-0409-7

Contents

Introduction: Why Me?............................................viiMy Campaign......................................................1Education........................................................5Foreign Relations................................................9Promoting America................................................13The Military.....................................................17Homeland Security................................................21Emergency Preparedness...........................................25Senior Issues....................................................29Social Issues....................................................33Americans and Their Appearance...................................37Consumer Issues..................................................39Business in America..............................................43A Balanced Budget................................................47Taxes............................................................51My White House...................................................55My Cabinet.......................................................61Health Care......................................................65The Environment..................................................71Energy Policies..................................................77Science in America...............................................79Crime and Punishment.............................................83Guns.............................................................87Holiday Traditions...............................................91Our Judicial System..............................................95Morality in America..............................................99The Arts.........................................................101Entertainment....................................................105Sports...........................................................111Transportation...................................................115Our Food Supply..................................................119Animals..........................................................123Family Life......................................................127Everyday Annoyances I May Do Something About.....................131Mama's Campaign Cuisine..........................................137Read My Lips-All New Taxes.......................................153More Ways to Pay off Our Nation's Debt...........................157More Deficit Busting.............................................161My Presidential Limousine........................................165Mama's Famous Women Quiz.........................................169Paper Dolls......................................................173Some Thoughts on Relationships...................................181My Inauguration..................................................185My Presidential Library..........................................189My Final Remarks.................................................191Acknowledgments..................................................195

Chapter One

My Campaign

I will run a clean campaign and try not to reveal any of the dirty little secrets all of my opponents are hiding. I will choose instead to inspire Americans with my common sense, strong moral character, and the kind of intelligence the TV Guide crossword puzzle is no match for. I will not be a slave to any special-interest groups, although I should disclose that I am a lifelong member of the Tony Orlando fan club.

My record is pretty clean, except for one isolated incident in which I may have bent the rules of the state of Missouri a little bit in order to get out of a bad time-share deal in Branson.

I am family oriented, and I have worked hard to raise a family, especially considering what a stupid moron my son is.

You will never see me removing any dentures in public, and I have been told that I perform very few involuntary bodily functions for a person my age. And most important, my fellow Americans, I'm proud to say that there are no skeletons in my closet; just some mousetraps and a roach motel with no vacancies.

I am willing to debate my opponents any time, any where. You can count on me to show those bozos how mixed up they are, which I will try to do without cussing too much. There is no reason to use salty language, even if the other candidates are clueless. In any event, those competitors better think twice if they think I'm a newcomer to making an argument. As an old woman with a lot of time on my hands, arguing with people is my main activity. But I should warn you that I have been known to have a bit of a temper. In spite of that, I will try to hold back before things get physical. The last thing this country needs is to see the potential leaders of the free world rolling around on the floor live on CNN. And I won't impose any ground rules for our debates except for a glass of bicarbonate on my desk and two or three emergency bathroom breaks if needed. When it comes to debating our nation's most pressing issues, I have answers for questions no one's even thought of. So tell Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blister, and all the others to fire away!

It costs a lot of money to run a campaign, but I am up to the challenge. I have several bake sales planned, not to mention a $5-per-plate fund-raising dinner at the Elks Club (dessert extra). You may also receive a phone call asking for donations from a "Mama for President" campaign volunteer, as soon as I get one. If you get called, please don't hang up until the volunteer is finished begging. Regarding all contributions to my campaign, you may be certain that none of your funds will be used for personal purposes, unless I run out of Maalox while on the campaign trail. I want to issue a warning to all contributors: If your check bounces, I have an arrangement for it to be taped on the wall at the Dollar Store for all to see. I will also accept lottery tickets, but don't come crying to me if there's a $100 winner in there. Even nonfinancial contributions will be welcome, and if you are so inclined, I'm a size 16. Furthermore, I believe in putting my money where my mouth is, so I will follow in the footsteps of that Mick Romney guy and spend some of my own funds on my campaign.

As for selling my message, I know I will need a slogan to capture the imagination of the voters and separate me from the other, less interesting wannabes. Over the years, presidential candidates have come up with catchy slogans, like Herbert Hoover's "a chicken in every pot," Dwight Eisenhower's "I like Ike," and Richard Nixon's "Nixon's the One." (Yes, "Nixon's the One." And according to the Watergate investigation, it turns out he was.) Well, I, too, have been working on slogans to bring my message to the people. Some of the slogans I have been considering are: A full-figured woman whose time has come; An old broad for a new day; A simple mind for a complex time; A hot flash forward; and Add some gray to the red, white, and blue.

(Continues...)

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