Marriage That Lasts
A Practical Approach to Marriage with a Biblical FoundationBy Christopher M. BonnerAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Christopher M. Bonner
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4634-1111-4 Chapter One
WHY DID I GET MARRIED ANYWAY
The unfortunate truth to most marriages is that many people get married for the wrong reasons. If this is your situation, then you are doomed from the beginning. Not to say that being married for the wrong reason cannot be turned around and the marriage made to work, but it does mean that there will be some hard work and determination involved. Surprisingly while many would quickly boast their love for one another, few marriages are actually based on love. If you are fortunate enough to have this as your reason for marriage, then you are well on your way to having success at it. Reason being, is that love as stated in the 1 Peter 4:8 covers a multitude of sins. One may ask, what do you mean by that? Well, when you love someone, it is easier to look beyond their faults and come to a compromise on your differences. Love replaces stubbornness and encourages you to seek a correction to the discrepancy in the marriage. Love is the fuel that supplies the engine of marriage to reach the destination of forever.
Wrong reason #1
While you are fortunate to marry for love, there are those who are not so fortunate. There are those who marry for several other reasons that make the success of the marriage difficult. The first reason I will discuss is "peer pressure". I know this sounds juvenile and adolescent, but the sad truth is there are adults who act like children in the case of marriage. Peer pressure comes most often to women. When a woman witnesses her friends getting married, she, in an effort to not feel left out, begins to pursue marriage for herself. Ever heard the phrase, which was also turned into movie, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride". The movie portrayed the alienation of single hood in a comical display which resolved to a happy ending. This is not the ending for most. As fate would have it, many marriages based on this premise, end within the first few years. The reason is because, the couple have no regard for the life of the marriage, just getting to the "I DO" so they can overcome peer pressure and say they are no longer left out.
While I referenced this being most common to women, believe it or not, it also happens to men. We men tend to have these clicks that we call the "brotherhood" or "players club", or whatever catchy names that are out there for them now. We organize these groups on the premise of being distinct to having our way with women without the commitment to any particular one. To be a part of the group, you have to vow to not get caught up in love and get settled down with your girl. Well everyone in the group usually holds true to his commitment for a while. Lo and behold, there is always that one who gets too much pressure from his "ole lady" and is issued the ultimatum of "if you are not going to marry me, then it's over". Of course, he caves in because he loved her all along but was just trying to be "hard" for the sake of his club membership. With his marrying his sweetheart, it starts the avalanche of destruction to the "player's club". Within a few months, another member is proposing, then another, and so on. Then before you know, all that is left of the "homies" is you. You are determined to hold out because you are going to remain true to the game. Well now, not only are you getting serious pressure from your girlfriend, but you are also getting it from your former club members who can't figure out why you are still holding out. Then it happens, you are not ready, but you go forth with it and take your woman in matrimony. You don't know what's required of you. You don't know the ramifications because you did not take advantage of single life to research marriage. You don't know what to expect, but now you are stuck to try and make success our of a mess that you created for yourself. Not a good situation to be in. Don't despair, you can make it work, but It will definitely take finishing this book and a lot more effort.
Wrong reason #2
The second most common wrong reason for marriage is the "Old Maid Syndrome". Also a common trait in women, seems to fall upon women who are coming of age. As a woman gets older all her clocks seemingly start ticking louder and louder until she feels that a huge coo coo bird is going to jump out of each of them and scream "TIMES UP". She has a biological clock ticking which is determining how late she can wait to bear children. Along with that, the old maid clock is ticking to help her keep track of how long she can wait to get married before feeling it's too embarrassing to do so. After all, any "good" woman is married by thirty, right? While I don't know of there being an age limit to marriage, and certainly not a correlation of the quality of a woman to her age at marriage, many women become trapped in their minds, thinking that if a man doesn't marry them by age thirty, there is something wrong with them. This mindset pushes them into the strife for marriage, and often compromise of their integrity and character, to hurry down the aisle to matrimony. Unfortunately, this is not a recipe for a healthy or lasting marriage.
Ladies, you must know that this is a serious trap of your mind. In escaping the trap, the first thing to remember is that waiting is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with waiting until the man that God created for you comes to you. What many women forget is that delay is not denial. Just because God has you on the waiting list, it does not mean that He has forgotten about you or is just flat out not going to honor your request. Continue to remain patient and trust that being single is good. It is only the time that God has allotted for you to prepare yourself for what He has coming your way. There is something really helpful and beneficial to you that you could do during your preparation period. That is to take out your list of quality standards that you have prepared for which you will compare your mate to. Read through your list and measure yourself to all the items you have set for your man to meet. I think you might find that many of the requirements you have for your ideal man, you don't meet yourself. This is why singleness is preparation time. Don't spend so much time drawing out the blueprint of how you want your man to be. Instead make sure you are right and prepared for the man that God is going to send you. If you meet the standards you require in a man, then you will most definitely attract that caliber of man to yourself. God will not take a king and put him together with a peasant, but he will give him a queen. This is one of the major reasons why many women stay single so long or have to wait so long to be married. You are hindering yourself by making requirements for a man that you don't even meet.
You also have to remember that you are not to be looking for a man, he is to be looking for you. The scripture in Proverbs 18:22 states, he that finds a wife, finds a good thing, not the other way around. Now don't take this and feel that nobody is looking for you. You may not realize it but you are being pursued. The "Adam" that God has created for you is constantly in pursuit to find you. He has to find you in order to be complete. There is something of his that you have and it is not your clothes, hair, shape or shoes. Seemingly these are the things women want to be quick to change when they are waiting on the right man. Let me help you out. The afore mentioned items are not what a man will be gazing at when he meets you. Your destined husband will be seeking you by faith. He will be on divine mission by God to find you. With this faith and mission, he will be equipped with a spiritual x-ray vision. So instead of admiring your beautiful, cola-bottle figure, he will look clear through all that to your ribs. Just as God took Adam's rib and made Eve. He has taken the rib of your future husband and made you. Because you carry this man's rib, there will be no mistaking when he finds you. For then he will be complete. So don't rush to get married. You are not an old maid. It's okay to wait as long as you take advantage of your waiting period to prepare yourself. The quicker you prepare, the quicker you can be swept off your feet.
Wrong reason #3
A third wrong reason for marriage is the proverbial, "beauty of a wedding". Again, women usually get the twinkle in their eyes when this beauty is concerned. There is obviously something intoxicating about the arrangement of colorful flowers and the flicker of tall lighted candles, to a woman. The sound of the organ playing as the wedding party make their way down the aisle and fitly take their places, must make her heart flutter. Seeing the bride adorned in her gown with intricate details stroll in on the arm of her proud father, likely causes a woman to see herself as that lucky girl. This is dangerous because a marriage based on this reasoning, typically lasts about as long as the wedding. When a marriage hits those rough spots, that are sure to come, in order to get through them, you are going to need something more than a wedding album full of beautiful pictures. If you're not in it for eternity, do not get married for the thrill of a one hour wedding, or three hours, judging from some I have attended. Marriage is not about the glitz and glamour of the wedding decorations. Marriage is a serious covenant between man and woman, that was sanctioned and ordained by God. One would have to be quite selfish and naïve to go into a lifelong commitment with the mentality of just looking forward to a ceremony. I would be truly shocked at anyone who could think this type of arrangement would really last and stand the test of time and trials involved in marriage.
Usually, marriages for this reason take place with brides and grooms who do not undergo pre-marital counseling. If you go through counseling, your Pastor or his spiritual designee, should be able to assess whether or not you are ready for marriage and if you are just looking to a fancy wedding ceremony. If they discern this, they usually will not go forward with the marriage. More counseling is advised until both bride and groom reach the required maturity and mindset to what is required for a lasting marriage. If they can't discern or overlook the lack of readiness by the two for marriage and marry them anyway, then I would have to question their spiritual integrity. But don't be dismayed, I encourage the biggest and "baddest" wedding you can put together, just don't make it the reason for marriage. Doing so, will make you find out pretty quickly, that you might have spent a whole lot of money for completely the wrong reason.
Wrong reason #4
Last but certainly not least, you should never marry for security or because he or she "has money". I know that security is important to everyone and we need it for a prosperous life. However, your security should never be found in a man or a woman. This is not their job. If there is security to be given, it should only come from God. It is God who promises that He will supply your every need according to His riches in glory, Phil 4:19. I know it is a thrill to foresee yourself having the finer things in life. You can imagine wearing the most elegant jewels and the most fashionable clothing. Sure you can see yourself living in the most elaborate mansion, driving the finest European cars, and dining on succulent meals. But, these things are not security. Security is not in temporary things as these. Instead security is in things that are eternal. There is a hymn that says "build your hopes on things eternal, hold to God's unchanging hand".
Though you may be the wife or the husband, you are not to be responsible for providing security for your spouse. It is for this reason that trouble comes into the marriage and any other area of our lives. When we began to take responsibility of the things that God is responsible for, we find ourselves out of place and therefore in trouble with God. The worst part about this is that God often allows us to foolishly try to act on His behalf. Ironically, while in this quandary, you unfortunately have no help from Him. There can be only one God. If you are going to act as god, then the true and living God will sit back and watch you make a mess of your marriage. Instead of trying to find security in or provide security for your spouse, the best and most successful thing to do is to be the companion that God has ordained you to be and let God be the security for both of you. This way when you get mad at your spouse and tempers flare, you can trust God to be the supply for the security of emotional care, strength, and comfort that you will need at that moment. Success of a marriage is more likely to come when you decide to be yourself and let God be God. You must also learn to have dependency on yourself for certain things. I know the bible says that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. However, this does not mean that a man is supposed to supply you with self esteem and confidence. It perplexes me to see women who will stay stuck with a man or a man with a woman because the reasoning is "he or she makes me feel good about myself". That really doesn't even sound right. How does someone else make you feel good about yourself. Why does anyone have control over how you feel about yourself. The only person who should be determining your self worth is you. God has already told you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He has already said that you are of a royal priesthood. You are His and He loves you. All you need to do is walk in the destiny and authority of your being the king or queen He created you to be.
This is somewhat pointed at women, but men the same is true for you. There are some brothers out there who allow a woman to dictate to them how important they are. I have seen many men who fall prey to the "puppy dog" syndrome. His lady has told him he is nothing without her and he believes it, and therefore follows her around like a little puppy to feel good about himself. Yes it is sad, but it's true.
This is a dangerous situation for woman or man. A person who needs another for security of their self-esteem is in a compromising position. When a person has this type of control over you, you will do about anything they say to please them. Men begin to spend their whole paychecks on women and bills don't get paid. Ultimately finances go down the drain. Women will begin to allow a man to abuse them physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally. The best thing to do in a situation like this is not to allow yourself to get into it. Again, trust God to be your security in every facet of your life and you and your spouse can enjoy each other without added requirements, pressures, or strains on your relationship.
So where do we go from here?
Since we have identified reasons why not to get married, what help is there for those who are already married. Where do we go from here in order to make a current marriage work and last? In the next chapters to come, we will learn the most common reasons why people choose to end their marriages. If you can put forth the necessary effort in the areas that we will discuss, you will be much more successful in your marriage. What most people don't know is that these next topics are more common marriage-deal breakers, than the ones listed previously. So let's begin, shall we?
Chapter Two
WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
As taken from the popular Tina Turner song, our chapter title is most fitting when marriage is concerned. I would venture to say that love has everything to do with it. This is by far the most common reason why people get married. When you find that special someone that God designed and hand-crafted just for you, you can't help but fall head-over-heels in love with them and want to spend the rest of your life with them. When you meet this heaven-sent jewel, you realize that you can't go a day without thinking about them. You can't lie down to sleep at night without dreaming about them. You spend countless hours talking to them on the phone. What can you say, you're in love. Love is a tricky thing. Most people can't give you a distinguished definition, but they will tell you that you will know when you find it. I can't disagree with that, but I do have concerns. While love is special and wonderful, it is also very fragile and has to be handled very delicately.
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Excerpted from Marriage That Lastsby Christopher M. Bonner Copyright © 2011 by Christopher M. Bonner. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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