CHAPTER 1
When Your World Disintegrates
A woman is like walking across a pond on steppingstones, each stone being a man, she will not take her foot off of one stone unless it is on another.
— Chinese proverb
Men are fairly simple at heart. As guys, we enjoy food, our space, sports, and sex. In general, that pretty much sums it up. However, I recently was discussing my writings over a glass of wine with a former coworker. I have great respect for her, and she hastened to add that men need continued affirmation as well. She explained how it helps to build a man's self-esteem and intimacy with his wife or companion. It makes perfect sense to me. We derive much of our overall satisfaction from our jobs or work, allowing us to provide for our primary driver or motivator, our families.
As men, we see ourselves as the protectors and providers of the family. This concept goes back many thousands of years, but it has taken on different appearances as society has evolved. We enjoy fixing broken things. This is how we are wired. It is part of our cellular DNA. In the process of providing for our families in the highly competitive marketplace, we can lose sight of our focus and what truly is most important: our families. They are the reason we get up in the morning, put on our ties, and head into the marketplace battlefields. We are the providers, the hunters, and the adventurers.
As we pour ourselves into our work or businesses in pursuit of the hunt, something begins to happen. Not always, but often. It is generally slow, methodical, and insidious in nature. We begin to focus less on our spouses and children and become more absorbed within our jobs and the pressures that bear down on us. We want to climb the next rung on the ladder, win the President's Club award, or earn the six-figure commissions.
In today's highly competitive marketplace, the demands placed upon performance can be onerous and unreasonable. For some men, hobbies or sports may pull us down the wrong paths, away from our families. Nevertheless, we begin to miss the baseball games, dance recitals, and date nights. Our spouses generally pinch-hit in our absence and do much of the parental heavy lifting. This is almost universal, but in the past decade or so, a number of dads have really begun to step up as parental partners. This is awesome, and I love to see dads becoming more involved in the schools, campouts, and housework. They pitch in with the laundry or clean a bathroom or two on a regular basis. This is a great message to send your wife and children — leading by example in a really positive way.
Acts of service are a significant way of expressing your love to your wife. Look around the next time you take your son or daughter to an activity or practice. You will see mostly moms or nannies in the bleachers or the classroom. When was the last time you pitched in to help with the dinner dishes or picked up around the house? We must admit this is truly a sad statement in terms of how guys sometimes prioritize our time.
Is ignorance really bliss? There are consequences for this type of behavior, and guys are generally oblivious to its effects on our families, particularly our spouses. We often realize this when it is far too late or when things have gone too far south in our relationships. The cost for this type of attitude is very high for families. When your wife walks out the door with a heart of ice, the prized career becomes nothing in the big picture. Your world begins to fall apart, and the free fall begins.
The wheels began to come off my cart when I was in my forties. I was working for an exciting and innovative start-up company that sold implantable medical devices. I was married with three great children — two sons and a daughter. I was living in the Midwest, and life was good. We had great schools and many close friends in our suburban community.
I did not have to uproot my family and relocate to the company's headquarters in Silicon Valley. I had the loyalty of many good customers, and I was making great money. In short, there were twenty-one sales representatives selling this revolutionary technology to hospitals and implanting cardiologists across the country. For every one of us on the team, the hours were long and demanding; fourteen- and sixteen-hours days were the norm.
Despite the grinding hours, it was euphoric. We were all in the zone; we were building a cutting-edge company and were recognized as innovators. We were big moneymakers with stock options. As time went on, the demands of the business began to encroach on my life and my family. This was coupled with a sense of invulnerability; I simply lost any balance in my life.
As I worked sixteen-hour days, I expected my wife to carry the ball on the home front. Our home became a place where I "bunked." I did not give a second thought to my wife on the home front and me in the marketplace. What a plan! What a mistake! There generally is a price to be paid for corporate craziness and the excesses that go along with it. At the end of the ride on that particular corporate carousel, our sales team experienced multiple divorces, one debilitating neurological health issue, and one suicide. Going full tilt has a price, and it can come in a number of forms. Men have needs, and so do women; some are similar, and some are different in nature. There are thousands of books on the market about this subject; you have seen them on the bookshelves. Some of these needs are generally universal among women: being valued, appreciated, listened to, and understood. There is also the need for emotional intimacy. How often do you get home from work or play to grab some real one-on-one time with your wife or significant other? My guess is not very often. Do the two of you share a day or evening and your collective thoughts and feelings? When was your last date night? When was the last time you told your wife how much you appreciate her and meant it?
It has been about twenty years since I arrived home from work early one Friday evening. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was taking off my tie in the bedroom and was hoping to kick back, relax, and catch up with the family after a crazy, hectic, breakneck week. My wife quietly strolled into the bedroom, and we commenced a brief, simple conversation with no real meaningful emotional connection to speak of. Unfortunately, that was becoming the norm — a warning sign I had ignored for some time — and it went right over my head.
After a couple of minutes of contrived conversation, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She wanted out of the marriage! I actually thought it was joke. She must be playing with me! Unfortunately, as the evening progressed, I began to see multiple signs that she might actually be serious. Wait a minute! We have three great children and a wonderful home! My wife was a stay-at-home mom and had a number of good friends. She had it all — or so I thought. She isn't serious, is she?
When Saturday morning rolled around after getting the cold shoulder all night, I realized she was dead serious! I could not believe or understand where her head was. I was stunned. The long, horrific nightmare had just begun. I began to free fall into a very deep emotional pit. What do I do? What about the kids? What do we tell the children? Is there hope? Will she change her mind? What do we tell our parents? Tons of questions were racing through my mind.
That announcement was the start of many years of horrible anxiety, real heartbreak, and frightening uncertainty. Her announcement came down in the early spring of that year. With that ill-timed announcement, we had to decide what to do with a family vacation planned to Marco Island, Florida, that was just a few weeks away. I guess it's true that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. I was the one in the family who began the discussions about where to go each year for our vacation. I enjoyed planning the family vacations and did it almost every year. It was great fun to discuss the next family adventure. With the trip to Florida around the corner, the kids were excited. The trip was paid for. What do we do now? You have got to be kidding me. Can this really be happening?
After a brief, pragmatic, icy conversation, my wife and I decide to proceed with the vacation and make the best of it. Our three children were clueless about the ugly, dark cloud that was about to come over our family. I was in an alternate universe — paralyzed, mentally immobilized, confused, and sick to my stomach. I was drifting into a sea of uncertainty. The anxiety was unbearable. I hated it.
In my paralyzed state of mind, I looked for answers. It is very common to become the victim in a divorce or breakup. In general, men are much worse at dealing with these relational breakup matters than women are. The length of the healing and rebounding process is invariably related to the length of the marriage or relationship. Someone once shared with me that for every four or five years in the relationship, it takes about one year to recover and get your life back to some normalcy.
For our vacation, I was simply doing the best I could under the highly stressful circumstances. I tried to interact and connect with my children as we swam, played tennis, and grabbed a burger or two. My appetite was heading south fast. As a result of the building stress and anxiety, I made the decision to schedule a massage at the hotel spa to help me decompress and to relieve my stress. I needed some intervention. I checked in at the front desk of the spa and was led back to the locker room to get undressed and grab a robe.
My masseur was a quiet, muscular fellow. As he began to work deeply into my muscle tissue, I talked about my painful relational quagmire. Some men tend to take the silent approach through relational crises, and others like me need to talk to others, even strangers. It did not matter. I needed to understand and find some conversational catharsis. I needed to understand why.
Based upon dozens — if not hundreds — of conversations with men, I believe it is best to find wise and objective council from others who are willing to carefully listen to you. There is some catharsis and healing in this. Sagacious, constructive counsel spoken in truth can be of immense help. Sometimes there is little to no conversation going, but having someone to listen can be a lifesaver. You need to be cautious about choosing someone because you want to gain insights and understanding. Associating with the wrong person can mislead you and add to your hurt and pain.
Men who withdraw from others and remain alone generally find themselves not doing as well as those who surround themselves with helpful friends and family. As the masseur worked deep into my shoulders, I told him that my wife was leaving me.
He nodded as if he understood what I was going through. As he listened to my story, I added that I was certain my wife was simply unhappy and that she was not in another relationship. After he nodded again, he said something so very profound that my brain locked firmly onto his words. Over the decades, I've repeated them to hundreds of men. I have engaged in conversations about personal relational crises on the train, at the gym, and at cocktail parties. He said, "Listen, I heard what you have been saying, and I hope you are right, but understand this, 'A woman is like walking across a pond on stepping-stones, each stone being a man, she will not take her foot off of one stone unless it is on another.'"
He was saying that my wife would not leave me unless there was already a man standing in my place or waiting in the wings. It could not be. My wife with another man? Impossible! I'll spare you all the details and deceptions, but that was exactly what was occurring. For the most part, we think we are doing all the right things: working hard, building great careers, and providing for our families. After all, we are the hunters and providers. That is our job, and most of us do it pretty well, but what about the things that truly matter? Unfortunately, our wives and families are easily pushed aside and occupy the rear seats in our lives.
At this point, allow me explain a very important phenomenon. Some women who are deprived of consistent emotional attention and connection from their husbands or significant others may choose to seek it elsewhere. This is not always the case, but it happens.
This fundamental phenomenon and relational drift between a man and a woman is real, and it can begin months or years before the heart begins to go cold or the relationship ends. Unless there is open truthful conversation between the couple regarding this change of heart, the window to the heart will close, eventually becoming a complete surprise to the husband. Unfortunately, this happens much too frequently in our society.
The woman's heart can go cold over time. Men and women are different; they are wired differently. The sooner you recognize the differences and work with them — by not fighting them or criticizing them — the greater probability of a successful relationship. Men are generally much more impulsive than women with relational decisions, which we will discuss later in the book.
Despite my efforts and marital counseling, it soon became evident that my marriage was over. It was finished! In my particular case, it was simply too late to save my marriage. I am not a therapist, but I have witnessed or heard from many couples — married and unmarried — that a women's heart rarely reopens after it closes. It is a very rare woman who can survive this inattention for months or years. Men must be proactive in maintaining strong emotional connections to our spouses and/or girlfriends, almost relentless in our pursuit. Relationships require a great deal of work on a continual basis, but the time and energy invested in the relationship can lead to a long, deep, meaningful relationship that can improve and strengthen with time. Studies show that couples that have been married for many years have developed a stronger and deeper bond and are less likely to get divorced. Successful relationships take lots of work, but the payout is huge.
Relational Checkpoint
How do you view your relationships?
Take a moment to carefully consider the statements below and respond with complete honesty.
1. My relationship with my spouse or significant other: Excellent. Good. Fair. Poor. Don't know. (Circle your choice.) Why?
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What can you do to heal or improve your relationship with your spouse or significant other?
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When?
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2. My spouse or ex-spouse's relationship with me: Excellent. Good. Fair. Poor. Don't know. (Circle your choice.) Why?
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3. My relationship with my children or child: Excellent. Good. Fair. Poor. Don't know. (Circle your choice.) Why? _______________________________________________________________
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What can you do to heal or improve your relationship with your child or children? _______________________________________________________________
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When? _______________________________________________________________
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4. My child or children's relationship with me: Excellent. Good. Fair. Poor. Don't know. (Circle your choice.) Why? _______________________________________________________________
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Once you have written down your responses to the statements above, put them away. After a day or two, go back to add or edit your responses. Take some time to think about what you are being asked. Capturing this correctly is essential. In the fast lane of life today, we don't always brake to think about our relationships with those nearest to us.
CHAPTER 2
Paternity
The decisions you make today will be the stories you tell tomorrow.
— Anonymous
In the United States, approximately one-third of all births are to unmarried couples. This staggering number contains a host of possible long-term ramifications — economically, socially, and psychologically — to individuals, families, and society. If you couple this with the number of divorces in the United States (divorce are slightly down, but so are marriages) with families that have children, we begin to wonder what kind of legacy we are leaving the children in this country. This topic is most certainly a book in itself. There has been a great deal of research done on this subject, which you can certainly investigate further if you desire to dig into the entire mind-numbing statistics.
It was long after my divorce that I found myself dating a woman I truly appreciated being with. She was fun, exciting, and full of adventure. I saw real possibilities in the relationship. It was new, and as in many new relationships, our body chemistries were working overtime. Hormones were raging in both of us. This is very normal when you are attracted to one another.
Human biology is such that we are wired to seek a mate to ultimately reproduce with and carry on our genetics. This is very fundamental biology. There are a number of subconscious mechanisms and processes that drive our choices and behaviors when we enter relationships. These range anywhere from the most obvious for men — a woman's physical appearance — to the less obvious, like human pheromones or the odors our bodies give off. These pheromones are tied directly to our unique immune systems. They are designed to produce the healthiest offspring to ensure survival.
