The Politician's Essential Excuse Book: Remedies for when what you meant to say is what you actually said.

A compendium of 78 sure-fire excuses with humorously all-too-real applications for any candidate who is down in the polls, makes that unfortunate gaffe, needs to energize a lagging campaign, or has the temerity to actually lose an election. A must-have for politicians, pundits, campaign staffers, volunteers, and voters of every party. It is recommended to be applied any time the press will be within two miles of your candidate. The perfect political gift for the Politico in your life.

No. 3
We don’t pay attention to polls.
Aka
[When those polls are killing us]
Use this phrase in many circumstances including when your candidate drops twenty-six points in all polls after it is discovered he paid the woman next door to take a urine drug test for him − and the lab results came back that he is pregnant.

No. 11
Opponent is pandering to the right.
Use when your candidate's opponent ends a speech with "God Bless America."

No. 12
Opponent is pandering to the left.
Use when your candidate's opponent starts a speech with "My Fellow Americans."

No. 65
We make the tough decisions.
Aka
[With our collective IQ, EVERY decision is a tough one]
Use to shake up the polls when your incumbent candidate approves a budget measure to repair potholes.

No. 77
The better candidate won.
AKA
[Only if we won. If not, screw them]
The absolute worst excuse ever. Although it is rumored to have been around since the early days of political races in Athens, I cannot find an example of it actually having been used. Don’t even think about using it until your candidate loses seven straight races to the same opponent.

COVER PHOTO: Author pinching his cousin on her first birthday in Cincinnati, Ohio circa 1958. Photo taken by the author's dad with a 1919 Graflex press camera handed down from the author's great-grandfather. Yes, it is really the author and his cousin, and yes, they know their "laughing and crying babies" photograph is a viral internet meme!

DISCLAIMER: While these excuses are both humorous and accurate, they do NOT usually form the basis for legal defense when a candidate is arrested, indicted, prosecuted, and otherwise accused − although they certainly bear an uncanny resemblance to the pleas many politicians have employed in court: you have been warned.