CHAPTER 1
Welcome to Rational Relating
Relationships don't have to be that hard. Billions are walkingaround on this earth trying to connect with others andbuild meaningful and satisfying bonds. Yet for so many, there issomething getting in the way of this experience. Something isoften preventing individuals and couples from having the joyfullife they want and deserve.
You would think it would be different by now. It's not as ifthis is a new challenge. Humans have been roaming the planetfor hundreds of thousands of years and somehow we've made itthis far. We have more ways than ever to stay connected: smartphones, e-mails, text messaging, IM chatting, social networks,access to travel. Go to any bookstore and you'll find dozens ofbooks instructing people on how to find and keep fulfillingrelationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you'll see"experts" sharing how to have better communication, more sex,and happier unions. More and more American states and othercountries are recognizing same sex marriages as valid and legallysanctified unions.
Given all this, why are so many relationships so unsatisfying? It islargely because most people are never taught the intelligent andpractical tools of relating to each other rationally. They do not haverole models or guides to demonstrate and teach the intricacies ofnegotiation and compromise. They do not understand that love,attention, respect, and honor must be given to oneself before theycan be truly received from someone else.
And how would anyone know this? It's not as if this is evertaught in school. You are given training and skill-building foressentially every job out there. No one would expect you to beable to drive a car if you never learned how. No one would everexpect you to perform surgery if you didn't have the requirededucation. No one would expect you to get into the kitchenand create a four-course meal without the proper preparationand instruction. Yet we expect people to get married and staytogether for 50 years with absolutely no training or preparationfor relationships. It's no wonder that more than half of marriagesend in divorce.
Sara and Bradley's relationship is a vivid and accurate example ofwhat can happen when two people enter into a union withoutadequate prior training and skill-building. They are bothbright and intelligent people who have had access to Amazon'sbooks, Oprah's insights, and more available information thanat any other time in history. Yet neither has acquired the basictools to communicate with a loved one, to act with integrityand consistency, to compromise and negotiate differences, todemonstrate compassion when hurt, or to take responsibility fortheir own feelings and emotions. The joyful life they want anddeserve seems to be perplexing and unattainable.
This book offers a simple solution to that mystery. It is calledRational Relating, and it is based on an effective tool I havedeveloped in my two decades of practice as a marriage and familytherapist. "Rationality" is a perspective that prioritizes thoughtover feeling, belief over mood, action over reaction. It is a way ofbeing present in the world and in your interactions with othersthat increases experiences of joy, productivity, and tranquility,while minimizing pain, stagnation, and drama. Rational thinkingincreases options, possibilities, and choices for one's decisionsand behaviors. In short, it gives you more freedom than you everimagined.
However, implementing rationality in everyday life can mean youare going against the grain of what is expected of you in society.On a cultural level, we are seeing more irrational thinking thanever before. "Reality" television depicts and idealizes individualswho prefer to react emotionally and blame others for their moodsand feelings, while actively creating problems and situations thatlead to drama, which in turn, keeps them on TV. Social media isoften used by people who wish to focus on a catastrophic problem,and/or express baseless arguments anonymously. Politically,Americans have spent the past decade shifting guilt from oneparty to the other, and one president to the other, which onlyadds to a limited-attention-span approach to negotiating complexdifferences.
It is long past time for a change. Whether we are talking aboutrelationships with significant others, online acquaintances, familymembers, or someone in a "red state" or "blue state," we all canbenefit from practicing more rational thinking, logical reactions,and compassionate practices.
Rational Relating is the first step in reclaiming a sense ofempowerment, fulfillment, and self-efficacy in private andpublic relationships. It enables you to be mindful and focusedin your connection with others. It empowers you to act in yourrelationships instead of react. It is the gateway to experiencingmore fun, fulfillment, and freedom in all relationships by takingcomplete charge of your emotional journey.
This book will walk you through the step-by-step process ofcreating a joyful infrastructure that enhances connection andcomfort in all relationships, including the one with yourself. Itwill guide you through a series of explanations, examples, andexercises that will demonstrate how you can incorporate morerational interactions with others. All that is required to learnthis model is an open mind, a caring heart, and a willingness toconnect with others.
What I Learned From Earthquakes
I began seeing couples as a marriage family therapist intern inCalifornia in 1996. To be honest, I dreaded them at first. Itseemed that most people waited until the last minute to cometo therapy to resolve their issues. So often I saw relationshipsdissipate under the pressure of frustrations and resentments thathad been built up for years.
I always pondered this. People don't call the fire department afterthe house has become engulfed in flames. Why do they wait tosee a therapist until the minute before the relationship is over? Iaspired to find a way to help couples get help before the crisis thatleads to the relationship 911 call.
Living in California lends itself to a certain degree of uncertaintyand instability. The ground may literally shift beneath your feetat any given moment, putting a great deal of strain on buildingstructures. I was living in the Bay Area during the destructiveLoma Prieta earthquake in 1989, and saw firsthand what becameof buildings that had a brick foundation with very limited rangeof flexibility or movement. Those were the first to collapse underpressure because they simply had no ability to withstand thetrauma of the shifting ground below.
However, most of the newer buildings did withstand the shock.They were built to be able to endure and survive the stress ofa major earthquake and its subsequent aftershocks. Many haddamage, but because they could shift and move with the earth,they were better able to remain standing, as they still are today.
It occurred to me that relationships operate in very much thesame way. The unions that are built on weak foundations, withlimited or no ability to withstand stress and trauma, are the onesthat collapse. Similarly, the bonds that are initially built on solidground, with the flexibility to shift, change, and adjust, are thestrongest and most resilient.
In the two decades that I have been studying and practicingcouples therapy, I have begun to visualize every relationshipas an individual structure, each with its own unique blueprint,complex layout, and intended purpose. And just like any buildingstructure or home, every relationship has pillars that it dependson to remain solid and standing. If the pillars are strong, then thehome is safe, secure, and less vulnerable to internal and externalthreats. But if the pillars are weakened, the structure itself isdangerously at risk of collapsing.
In Rational Relating, there are five pillars that sustain and maintainthe strength of a relationship in the long run. They are:
Integrity--Having your actions consistently match your statedvalues, instead of saying one thing and doing another.
Communication--Practicing the art and skill of effectivelyexpressing your thoughts and feelings.
Compassion--Seeking to acknowledge and appreciate yourpartner, while minimizing possibilities of doing intentional harm.
Responsibility--Accepting that you are in charge of your primarythoughts, feelings, and sense of worth, not your partner.
Compromise--Process of releasing personal gain for the greatergood of the relationship.
My job as a couple's therapist is to teach and assist in strengtheningand reinforcing their relationship's pillars. By doing this, theycan maintain a satisfying and fulfilling structure that is able towithstand stressors and traumas that can potentially weaken and"damage the unit" over time. I help couples learn how to survivethe big and little "quakes" that threaten the emotional structure.
In this framework, couples are neither "healthy" nor"dysfunctional." They are neither "good" nor "bad." They simplyhave pillars, unique to the two people involved, that are strong,or pillars that need reinforcing. And like any reliable building, allpillars need reinforcing over time.
How To Get The Most Out Of This Book
This book is intended to be a resource, a companion, and a guidethat will allow you and your partner to measure and increase thestrength of your pillars together. Although you can read it in linearorder, you may find yourself referring back to different sectionsat different times when your relationship needs "reinforcement"in various ways. To that end, I would not recommend you readit once and put it on the shelf, but that you consider it as a tool inyour continued process of joyful growth and change.
I encourage you to learn these strategies, not only as a reader,but as a teacher. Consider ways that you are able to share ideasthat could work for others who are struggling with their ownrelationship structures. The more you think about ways todiscuss these ideas with others, the deeper the lessons will sinkin for you.
Do not feel overwhelmed by the density of the material, or thatyou have to "get it all" the first time around. There are timesyou may want to set this book down and let certain concepts sinkin before proceeding to the next chapter. Those are great timesto discuss the ideas with a partner or a friend, and do your ownjournal writing about what you have read. If you get off trackor confused about how the material you are reading fits into themetaphor of the relationship structure, then turn to page nine,which illustrates the fundamental House Plan and maps out thejourney toward creating the most satisfying relationship for you.
Please be aware, all of the names and case studies have been alteredto protect the privacy and confidentiality of my clients. Some ofthe vignettes are composites of the work with done with severalcouples, while others are examples of events that took place with asingular couple over a period of time. They are meant to illustratekey themes, not reflect transcribed case notes.
Finally, I am completely aware that some of the ideas and valuespresented may appear contrary to the ideas and values you hold.I am not here to tell anyone what to do, what to believe, what tothink, or how to act. My hope is that the framework presentedwill enable you to create what is uniquely right for you. No twobuildings are exactly alike, and no two relationship structures willbe exactly alike either. But by reading this book and implementingthe ideas, you will find ways to expand and increase the truth thatis right for you, even if those ways don't fit for everyone else.
CHAPTER 2
The House Plan
Before we study the composition and construction of thefive pillars themselves, we have some interesting prep workto do. This involves an exploratory look at our own attitudes andhabits that were created and conditioned by the communities andsocieties in which we have lived.
There are five basic principles that are integral in creating along-lasting structure. Or to put it another way, the followingideas are the "House Plans" that infuse Rational Relationshipswith power, strength, and durability. They are contrasted hereas an alternative to the more traditional views of relationshipstaught in America, which are often fraught with pain, strife,and instability. As you read, think about which model feels likea better fit for you, and how you would prefer to connect withanother person.
Rational Relationships seek to create vs. conform. In thetraditional model of relationships, couples adapt their partnershipand their family around society's ideas of "normal" withoutdiscussing, or even considering, whether or not these values areright for them. Decisions such as where to live, how to raisechildren, how to manage finances and where to go for vacationsand holidays are made in order to conform with what peoplethink they "should" do. The inevitable conflicts that stem fromthese unquestioned societal norms are frequently the very issuesthat lead couples to the therapy couch.
The problem with this model is that in an ever diversifyingand rapidly changing world, there is no intrinsic "normal" or"should" that will apply to everyone. Long held traditions arebeing challenged and changed at an accelerated level, as technologyallows us to learn about cultures and groups who live their livesand conduct their relationships in new ways. Individuals nowgrow up exposed to multiple ideas of how to dress, where to live,what to study, how to raise a child, and even how to express one'spersonal sexuality.
What one person in a relationship considers "normal" and"traditional" can vary completely from another's opinion. If oneperson leans toward conforming to traditional values, while theother person wishes to express more creativity, it can lead toconflict and resentment. We saw this in the opening examplewith Sara and Bradley when she insisted he "should" come withher to a family wedding even though he did not want to subjecthimself to abuse and ridicule.
In Chapter Eight we will go into more depth about how couplescan create values and practices that are meaningful and right forthem through the art and skill of compromise. Suffice to say that ifone or both members insist on rigid "shoulds" and make decisionsbased on the values of other people, it will promote conflict,strife, and a consistent weakening of the couple's pillars.
Rational Relationships act with consistency vs. confusion.How often do you get upset when your partner says one thingand does another? With small actions this can lead to annoyanceand irritation. With larger behaviors, such as lying, deceiving, orhaving a relationship outside your agreements, it can lead to anger,betrayal, and violations of trust.
We often see the media present a sensational story that revealsa public person's actions as inconsistent with their stated values.It has become commonplace for elected officials and corporateCEOs to say one thing and do another. Political campaignsoften show candidates drastically changing their policies andpromises depending on the audience they are addressing. Frommismanaging investments, to senators who vote against gay rightswhile carrying on same sex affairs, we live in a world that is facinga preponderance of public values and opinions that are out ofalignment with private choices and decisions. How do you everknow what or whom to believe?
This same confusion and uncertainty can affect the way werelate to our partners and spouses. People may say they believein values like monogamy, while having an affair outside theirprimary relationship. They may say they want to save moneywhile secretly going on shopping binges. Or, they may say theywant to preserve the relationship while doing everything in theirpower to sabotage it. We saw this with Sara when she appearedto be saying and doing everything to push Bradley away, allthe while asking if this marriage can be saved. Repairing thedamage caused by discrepancies between words and actions,and promoting consistency between stated values and behaviors,is fundamental in maintaining a satisfying and trustworthyalliance.
Rational Relationships express gratitude vs. grievances. Asmentioned earlier,most of ushavenot been given adequatetools andskills to engage in rational, equitable, and loving communicationwith one another. Instead, we have been conditioned to usewords and language to complain, control, attack, and demand.Most conversations I hear in local coffee shops, subways, ortheaters, or read online, involve some level of complaint or focuson what someone else is doing "wrong." With Sara and Bradley,there is clearly a pattern of anger, disparagement, bitterness, andresentment that permeates their verbal interactions.
