Relationships are the best of times and worst of times. There seems to be no getting around the fact we can get stressed out with people we relate to and love. This book will help you understand yourself under relational stress, and guide you through steps that can transform your way of thinking, feeling and behaving. It will also help you put your finger on why other people react the way they do, and help you with new responses to old problems. As you follow the principles on these pages, I sincerely hope you will discover a pathway toward fulfillment in your most important relationships. - Gerry

Relational Tri-Umph

AuthorHouse

Contents

Foreword..............................................................................ixChapter 1: Struck by Stress...........................................................1Chapter 2: Our Most Important Needs...................................................9Chapter 3: Three Stress Roles.........................................................21Chapter 4: Codependency...............................................................43Chapter 5: Shame and Abuse............................................................51Chapter 6: The Observer...............................................................67Chapter 7: The Strategist.............................................................73Chapter 8: The Implementer............................................................81Chapter 9: Boundaries and Interdependency.............................................89Chapter 10: Emotional Energy..........................................................103Chapter 11: Looking It Over...........................................................117Chapter 12: Continuum of Stress Roles.................................................121Chapter 13: Above and Beyond..........................................................133Chapter 14: God verses God............................................................139Conclusion............................................................................145Appendix A: The Role of Forgiveness in Your Life......................................147Appendix B: Discovering Your Ideal Self...............................................157Appendix C: Ten Basics for Effective Communication....................................163Appendix D: Preparing for Confrontation and Reconciliation............................167Appendix E: Reconciliation Tools for Lingering Issues of the Past.....................169

Chapter One

We want relationships, and yet we experience disappointment and pain in them. We long to be fulfilled through our interactions with those we love, but sometimes we end up feeling drained and distant. There seems to be no getting around it. Relationships are wonderful and stressful. For example, most marriages begin with joy, contentment, and a view of a bright future together. But for many couples, those wonderful feelings subside and the relationship becomes a crumbling mess. Parenting is another form of relationship that starts off with broad smiles and glowing hearts, yet can turn into a long list of chores, battles, and sometimes a crisis. Or perhaps you recall what it's like to begin a new job, feeling like the bright star on the team and bringing joy to your boss. Soon enough something goes wrong, the "honeymoon" is over, and you are scrambling to figure out how to manage the damaged relationship with your boss or colleagues.

My goal in this book is to help you learn about yourself while under stress and guide you through steps that can transform your way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Essentially, I want to help you find fulfillment in your most important relationships even when things aren't going well or you are under some form of stress. The stress may be as plain as feeling distant and fatigued in your relationship, or perhaps a list of complicated and unresolved conflicts stand between you and the other person. Or the stress could be related to addictions, betrayal, or abuse. Whatever the difficulty is, it's getting in the way of your desired outcome for that relationship.

Not every stress on a relationship is directly relational. Unemployment, health problems, and financial difficulties are examples of outside stressors that can easily affect our interactions with those around us. At some point in life, we all will encounter stress of unusual proportions. And when that happens, we will likely find ourselves wondering what to do about the significant impact this has on our relationships. How can we fix the problem? How can we get others to understand our pain? We want to know what techniques to use in order to navigate these troubled waters successfully and emerge intact. And sometimes, just when we think things should be getting better, they take a turn for the worse. These events can have an altering effect on our most important relationships.

Not all stress is bad, but there are certainly times when the strain of life places a burden on our dearest relationships. No one wants that to happen, but it does, and this book will help you find your way through those tough times. In reading it you will learn how to gauge the impact of hardship and stress on you and your family, friends, and colleagues.

When we go through deeply troubled times, those around us end up wearing pieces of our hardship. And vice versa. In fact, it is a good and humanly decent thing to carry one another's burdens. When this occurs effectively, people can traverse their hardship with greater ease and rebound more quickly. For example, a young man was in deep trouble with the law, and he feared telling anyone about it, even his mom. When he finally took the risk of disclosing his crime to her, he discovered that she was not contemptuous at all, but in fact supported and cared for him throughout the ordeal. The response of this mother takes skill and finesse that some people don't have. They end up reacting harmfully instead of helping carry the burden together.

Occasionally our burdens are collective in nature, belonging not to one individual but to a "system" of people—the marriage, the family, the staff at work, and so on. Ideally, when the burden is distributed among many, we can expect it will be reduced in size and intensity, but that's not always the case. In fact, when a dark season of life occurs, involvement of the wrong person can actually multiply the weight of the burden. A relationship with someone you were once close with can be jeopardized if that person is ill-equipped for the task of burden-sharing. Just when you need each other the most, you discover that the closeness is adding to the complexity of the relationship or even tearing it apart.

This book is meant to give you reasons to hope again, to help you find inner calm, and to provide you with practical insights and tools for developing relationships that can be truly fulfilling—especially during times of storm. In these pages you will encounter

• A deeper understanding of the influence of stress on your key relationships. • A realization of your most typical way of responding to extraordinary stress, and an ability to spot the natural bent in other people as they are faced with stress as well. • A sincere hopefulness to survive the difficulties of stress in relationships, plus practical tools that will help you implement new behaviors and create the kind of relationships you want. • Spiritual insights that can help in the transformation of your most important relationships.

I want to share a few important observations before we delve into the details of this book. These are best illustrated by what I encountered while on my way to the secluded location where I worked on this manuscript. Here is the story.

I was heading to the Whiteshell, a gorgeous manifestation of nature where the Canadian prairie highways turn into twisting roads among the forests and lakes of this spectacular country. The outcroppings of multicolored rock formations that were shaped thousands of years ago tell stories of changing weather patterns and of men, women, and children who occasionally climbed these small monsters to get a higher vantage for observing the untamed wilderness.

Prior to entering this magnificent landscape, I had passed through a small town. As I continued on the journey, suddenly a loud squealing noise and a thump came from under the hood of my truck. Realizing the power steering no longer worked, I pulled to a stop on the shoulder of the road. As I was peering under my hood, a man pulled up in a utility truck and offered to survey the problem. We hemmed and hawed together for a few moments, but the problem was obviously beyond what we could solve at that moment. The alternator was broken and the serpentine belt shredded. I needed to get to the town ten miles back. The options were to phone for a tow truck or to limp back on my own. I chose the latter, turned my truck north, and hoped for the best.

In no time the truck was overheating, which made sense, given that the serpentine belt was broken and no longer turning the implements under the hood. So I did what any good red-blooded Canadian man would do—drove the darn thing until the temperature gauge reached the red line and then turned the engine off and coasted as far as possible in neutral while the engine cooled down. As I was nearing a standstill on the highway, keeping watch in the rearview mirror to ensure other vehicles weren't about to crawl up my bumper, I started the engine again, put it in drive, and limped my way toward town. This scenario happened six or seven times before reaching the town.

I quickly spotted a dealership with fancy signage, a lot full of vehicles, and salesmen waiting inside for customers. The fancy building was well kept and obviously new. At the service counter, I was met by a less-than-friendly man who didn't seem to fit the surroundings. He abruptly told me it would be half a day before he could even look at my truck, and it would cost around five hundred dollars to fix it. His tone of voice and dismissive attitude suggested my truck breakdown was a nuisance to him. I was quickly dismayed. Realizing I didn't need a mechanic with a bad attitude, I got back in my truck drove down the street to locate someone who would at least try to be more helpful.

That's when I spotted a sign, small as could be, in front of a nondescript old building. One lonely truck stood outside, and I wondered what type of business it was. I decided to turn in. Sure enough, it was some sort of repair shop that looked like a throwback from the 1930s Depression era. Instead of horse feed bags and saddlebags hanging on the walls, there were air filters and oil jugs sitting on small shelves. Behind the service counter were more shelves that were strewn with car parts. The place was dimly lit with a musty smell. The floorboards were worn from decades of foot traffic, and the walls were mostly bare wood.

I must describe to you the first man I met. He came from the back, where I assumed the mechanic shop was. He sauntered in but didn't say hello. Instead he gave a subtle nod of the head as if to invite me to speak my business. I told him that I needed a new alternator. Again without a word, he turned his head and pointed a finger at a second man, who was coming out from behind another door. The room he came from had a small desk and a 1970s telephone on it. He greeted me politely and offered genuine interest in why I had shown up.

As I was describing my predicament, his gentle smile suggested he was glad to take care of my need. He asked a few questions and then said he could have my truck back on the road by noon, and it would cost less than two hundred fifty dollars. What struck me about this man was his relational approach to a mechanical problem. He treated the situation as though he had been waiting for my arrival and that there was nothing more important in his day than to help me get back on the road. This mechanic seemed to understand that he wasn't just fixing a truck, but was also helping carry the emotional burden of another person.

As I walked down the street in search of some warm coffee on that blustery winter day, I contemplated how relieved I felt to be in the care of a gentleman. Even though it was just a truck that needed repair, I felt he had reassigned some of my problems onto himself. My load became lighter. To top it all off, my friend, whom I was to meet at the resort, drove out of his way to join me at the quaint coffee shop. What more could a man ask for?

Several illustrative points from that story inform much of this book. First of all, when darkness falls on us, whether from circumstances outside our control or poor choices we inflicted on ourselves, the first part of the journey back to health may require limping. We will do everyone a favor if we don't try to fix it ourselves. Instead, we need to go for help, even if it requires hobbling and shuffling our way to a place where we can find a true friend.

Second, not all help comes from the place we first expect it. Sometimes a first impression is just that, and nothing more. When you get inside the door, you will still need to use your wits to assess whether or not that friend/counselor/pastor can genuinely be of assistance to your particular need. In other words, don't judge a book by its cover, a professional by his title, or a speech by the showy performance of the presenter. The help you need may come from a less-conspicuous source.

Third, when you experience genuine friendship, hope has arrived. This is someone who is there for you in it and will walk with you through it. This person will treat you as though you are the only reason they exist in that moment. They were born for this opportunity to help you. Even though they may have a million other things going on, a true friend stops and pays close attention to your great needs during a crisis. This brings about feelings of assurance and hope. Your basic emotional needs are being met.

Fourth, don't hesitate to stop and sip some coffee along the way. When it's apparent that instant repair is not happening, take the opportunity to learn the art of resilience. During the course of this book, you will realize that you need to do a lot of work. And you can't do it all at once. So while you are implementing new strategies, remember to rest along the way—sip some coffee, take a nap. And for those who are religious, remember that the great repair man in heaven is doing His thing, even if we don't see it or understand it. So be patient with Him as well.

The skill of developing good relationships requires consideration of these four principles. As you rummage through the following pages, I suggest you occasionally reflect on the following points:

• That you come to acknowledge that your journey will sometimes· feel as though it's more of a staggering limp than a fast sprint. This is not all bad. • That you sense the words and ideas in these pages are the heartfelt· reflections of a friend who truly cares. • That you experience the content on these pages as discoverable· substance, some of it specially fitting for you and your circumstances. • That you learn the art of reflective resilience. Take time to ponder· over a coffee. Don't be in such a rush to fix everything right now, but rather allow yourself to embrace the journey of recovery. Sometimes this is the hardest labor of all.

Chapter Two

Life seems to make a whole lot more sense to me when I'm doing one of my favorite activities. For many people, snowblowing the driveway in the winter or mowing the lawn in the summer might seem tedious or even annoying tasks, but not to me. When I get home after a long day at work, few things relax me like jumping on my yard tractor. I love hearing the engine roar to life as I start up the implements that carve through the snowbanks or reshape the crown of grass. There are days when I go to my shop and rendezvous with my tractor even before going to the house to greet my wife. As you can imagine, this has caused her some concern. As any loving and intuitive wife would, Dayle asked that I spend some time pondering why this particular activity meets my inner needs at such an important level.

Perhaps the sense of engine power appeals to my masculine soul, which enjoys feeling virile and potent. Maybe it's the sense of achievement at the obvious (and fairly rapid) outcome of a nicely cleared driveway or groomed lawn. Or maybe, after working all day in demanding relationships, I enjoy being alone and doing an activity that does not allow for easy interference from the world of demanding relationships.

All of these explanations seem credible, yet I also believe there's something deeper. In a nutshell, I crave release from the stressors that weigh me down. The sense of power in that tractor touches the part of me that occasionally feels powerless. The measurable and immediate success of a job well done appeals to the part of me that wonders if I've really accomplished anything in my counseling office. The solitude brings a reprieve from helping carry other people's burdens. The bottom line is that my tractor provides an experience of decompressing from the stressors of life and releases a sense of pleasure.

Life is stressful. That's inevitable. It's a factor of the human condition. All of us face it, and the human spirit looks for opportunities to regain a sense of balance and wholeness in ways that remove or at lease calm the fret and worry. Concerns seem to pile up more quickly than we can find solutions. So we turn our attention to something, or perhaps many things, that will hopefully work a miracle in our sad or tired soul. Some stress-busting strategies work in healthy ways, but others fail to calm the human spirit. Yet the pursuit of relief is inevitable. So, what is it that you turn to? Does it work? Does it give you a lasting and meaningful sense of solace, or is it merely temporary?

Not all stress is bad. In fact, we need some stress to motivate us, to inspire us, and to simply keep us aware. Even when exciting things happen, such as a wage increase, a vacation, or the renewal of an old friendship, we can experience symptoms of stress. These positive experiences generate a feeling known as eustress (meaning "well" or "good") and cause a chemical release in our body similar to when distress occurs. The founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts says, "Both [eustress and distress] can be equally taxing on the body, and are cumulative in nature, depending on a person's way of adapting to a change that has caused it. The body itself cannot physically discern between distress and eustress."

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Relational Tri-Umphby Gerry M. Goertzen Copyright © 2010 by Gerry M. Goertzen. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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