Realize: It's All up to You

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.

—Sigmund Freud

What does it mean to be responsible? Where does "their" (parents, children, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, boss, friend, sibling, doctor, thief, perpetrator, government) responsibility end and ours begin? Maybe it has been "our" responsibility all along, and it has just become so much easier to remain at the mercy of others and remain a victim. Unfortunately, passing the buck will only buy you a fleeting moment of freedom from whatever pain you are trying to not feel, from whatever task you are trying to avoid, from whatever lessons life is trying to teach you, from whatever commitments you are trying to avert, and from whatever truth you are trying to hide.

To experience true freedom and what it has to offer—peace, contentment, joy, love, hope, forgiveness, and happiness—we must stop passing the buck and claim responsibility for our lives emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. If you have yet to find a purpose for your life, may I suggest that you not only embrace responsibility, but that you claim it as your ultimate purpose and experience the freedom this can bring to your life. Once you realize this, you can start to let go of your victimhood and live your life on purpose and in true service to others.

To claim responsibility for your life you must first understand what it really means to be responsible for your life—the purpose of this book. I had no idea what it meant to be responsible. I was addicted to the drama, pain, self-misery, anger, hurt, self-abuse, relief, and momentary freedom that passing the buck has to offer. Was I truly happy, peaceful, content, joyful, and healthy mentally and emotionally? Not at all! And I still work on it each and every day. My ego loves to wreak havoc on my quest and does a pretty good job at times, although this is more of an exception than a rule now. While it may seem like a daunting task to take on this level of responsibility for our lives, and the journey may seem hard at times, it is worth the effort, self-love, forgiveness, and patience you will need to give it.

You see, I was living my life from the outside in, a victim of my childhood and my circumstances. Then all hell broke loose, and unknown even to me at the time, I began to really live my life and take responsibility for myself, living life from the inside out. My responsibility started with picking up the pieces of this shattered, abused person who hated herself, her beauty, and even her intelligence. I felt no purpose in life other than to be who other people wanted and expected me to be. I survived only through fleeting moments of success because I was smart, pretty, and fun. I had outward confidence yet did not approve of myself. I became my status—my husband's wife, my clothes, my house, my car, my job, my children. I was lost and definitely not free.

I fell, and I fell hard. Something inside me—be it spirit, inner guidance, or connection to a higher power—gave me the strength to do the work I needed to do and continue to do each day. The method I chose may not be popular and does not come in a pill, although this wave of self-discovery and transformation is becoming more and more commonplace. If you are reading this book, for instance, you are on that path. I took responsibility for finding help from counselors, coaches, nutritionists, chiropractors, homeopaths, retreats, books, tapes, and videos.

I took responsibility for healing my emotional wounds. I began to forgive and let go of the heaviness of my victimhood. I forgave my parents—my mother for not always being there emotionally and not teaching me the real foundation for happiness; my father for his drinking and the way he treated my mother; my abusers for taking away my innocence; my former husband for his mistakes; and myself for all the mistakes I made that hurt me and those I love.

What I learned through forgiveness is that we are all innocent. Each one of us is doing the best we can in any given moment with what we know and who we are at the time. I was wounded, so I wounded others. It was not intentional; it was the best I could do from within the emotional framework I was living and the level of awareness I had. This does not excuse behaviors or actions, but it did give me permission to forgive myself, make amends where I could, and learn from my mistakes. It was in finding this level of forgiveness and compassion for myself that I could also find it for others. Then I began to grow into the person I feel I am meant to be.

I started to heal my body, giving myself a second chance at a longer life. I learned who I was, what I wanted, and what I valued most in life. I became a better mother, lover, giver, receiver, and communicator. I learned to love myself, let go of my attachments to material things and how they defined who I am. I learned to find joy in life's simple pleasures. I learned to let go of trying to control that which I cannot control and that which is not mine to control. I learned to love and accept others just as they are, releasing judgments. I learned to choose peace over conflict, while still being able to stand up for myself. I learned to value health, both emotionally and physically, and make it a priority in my life. I learned to be kinder. I learned true compassion. I learned about spirituality, and I let go of what no longer served my highest good. I learned that I am worthy of love and have much to offer. I learned to trust. I learned the value of unconditional love. I learned to love myself so that I can love another and be loved.

All of this took time and effort. You, too, can learn all that I have learned when you realize you are responsible for the life you create for yourself. Regardless of your circumstances, you can find freedom when you let go of being a victim. Even if your life seems out of control and is at the mercy of others, you can take responsibility for how you choose to act, react, and behave. Freedom does not come from a picture-perfect life; it comes from a heart that has learned to forgive. We are not always in control of what happens around us, but we are always in control of what happens within us, and assuming this level of control takes assuming responsibility. Realize this, and your world will never be the same.

Nothing grants freedom faster than taking responsibility for our own life. Until we do that, we are always at the mercy of something outside ourselves.

Let's take a look at the definition of freedom:

1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants

2. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

By giving other people or the world in general responsibility for who you are through blame, excuses, cause, and choice—you have, in essence, given away your power and consequently your freedom.

The path to freedom and a life that truly is yours to live as you choose starts with the realization that you are in fact responsible—not 50 percent, not 80 percent, but 100 percent! Then you can start taking the steps to create awareness of where you are not free and need to take responsibility. This then becomes part of your journey to becoming the real and authentic you, your true essence.

We are all unique, with many gifts to give the world. Only by taking responsibility and claiming the freedom to be ourselves will we be able to find those gifts and ultimately share them.

The day I truly realized that my happiness, my healing, and the course of my life was my responsibility was like tasting a decadent new food that tantalized my taste buds, creating waves of ecstasy.

This is the first key essential to breaking the victim chain, realizing that it truly is up to you.

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.

—Jim Rohn

Closing Thoughts

• It is your responsibility to heal your life emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

• The extent to which you take responsibility will determine the level of freedom you experience in your life and how much of a victim you choose to remain.

• Breaking the chains of victimhood requires changing yourself.

Notes

In what areas of your life are you not taking responsibility for where you are, what you are feeling, or where you are going? Consider your health, relationships, family, career, exercise, emotional wellbeing, finances, and overall state of happiness.

Embrace Life: Live in the Moment

Lost, yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered for they are gone forever. —Horace Mann

Have you ever driven somewhere and arrived at your destination not really sure how you got there? We all have at one time or another, more often than we would like to admit. Where were you in those moments of forgetting? You were not present, that's for sure. The same goes for having your children tell you a story about something that happened at school that day. They ask you a question about it, and you can't answer because you did not hear anything they said. Where were you in those moments? Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse only to find out that nothing he/she said registered? Are you seeing a pattern or theme? If you are not in the present moment, then there are only two options. You were either stuck in the past or somewhere in the future.

Let's look at the past for a moment. When does it make sense to think about the past? Recalling a story while telling another person about it seems like an appropriate time. And for sure, there are moments like these in life, especially if we are telling this story to share an aspect of our lives and ourselves with others. Going down memory lane can create connection, support, and understanding, revealing many things about us that help support our growth. However, if we are going down memory lane to escape our present circumstances, or to rally support for our victimhood, or to replay arguments in our heads, then we are robbing ourselves of what the present moment has to offer.

For me the past was like a jail sentence, giving me permission to be in a bad mood, sad, angry, or even hostile. In my subconscious mind I lived there as it controlled my beliefs, values, and the way I viewed the world and the people in my life. Regardless of how wonderful my life was in the present, my past caused me to see it through dark lenses, not allowing me to see the present clearly. I was a victim of alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. This formed my view of myself, my trust in others, my self-worth, and ultimately my ability to fully embrace what life was offering me.

In my everyday life it controlled my mood, temperament, and enjoyment of life. An argument could steal my attention for hours leading into days. I could quite easily take my frustration, hurt, and anger out on my children, perpetuating the victim chain I have worked so hard to break. Instead of enjoying the precious moments of laughter, joy, and wonder that my children had to offer, I would stew in misery, missing these moments altogether. I was not able to give them the attention and affection they so deserved and wanted from me.

When my past finally caught up with me, I was so blinded to my present circumstances by my unhealed wounds, limiting beliefs about myself and life that I could not see the value in them at all, nor could I feel any sense of appreciation or gratitude.

It's through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up. —Eckhart Tolle

I am sure that anyone reading this has heard the phrase "attitude of gratitude" and how much this can impact our lives. Being grateful means being thankful and appreciating all that is good in your life. Yet, do we actually practice this attitude on a daily or regular basis? It is far more common to hear people talk about grievances or things that they are not grateful for and things they are upset or angry about, especially from the past. In fact, I would say it has become so commonplace to complain that it is just considered a part of everyday life. It is just what people do naturally, and it is perfectly normal and socially acceptable. It is like a victim chain gang connecting everyone in joint misery. You know the gang I am talking about—I was there, too.

Now take this realization and observe how happy the chronic complainers are versus those who seem to show more appreciation and gratitude. Take it even one step closer to home and look at yourself. When you are complaining about something or someone, how happy do you feel? Do you feel a sense of peace and well-being? More than likely you do not feel well at all. When you are in a place of feeling grateful about something someone did and you express it, how does that make you feel? Chances are, especially if it was heartfelt, you felt good about yourself and happy with life in that moment. Even if the only thing you can find to be grateful for is one more day, one more opportunity to make things better, this is a good place to start.

Try to remember that good feeling and how much joy it brings to be in a place of gratitude. The high it can bring is better than what any drug, beverage, or food could ever give you. When you feel like you need a shot or taste of joy, just think of things to be grateful for in your life in the present moment. Just waking up in the morning with another day to embrace life is a gift for each and every one of us. Be grateful.

The idea of finding things to be grateful for can seem like a daunting task at times, especially when things are not going well in our lives. However, the irony in this is that the way to start turning things around is to actually, in the midst of all that is going wrong, try to find all that is going right and be grateful, to embrace your life and live in the moment.

Now let's step into the future. When the future arrives it becomes the now, so the future we are obsessing about, worrying about, and counting on to make us happy is always in the future. Therefore thinking about it for anything other than making plans or setting dates is futile and again robs us of the present moment, including the joy, growth, opportunity, peace, and love we can find there.

For me the future, not the present, was often where my happiness was. So of course it was sporadic and often out of reach. I easily got stuck in the "I will be happy when ..." trap. The present moment could not always be that happy place; the future seemed to offer more in my mind. Instead of allowing myself to enjoy what life in the present moment had to offer and embrace it, I thought about my next purchase or the next social gathering where I could drink and party, convinced that those things would set me free.

When I began to take responsibility for my own happiness, I learned that to find freedom from my past and let go of my misery, I had to embrace what was happening in my life each moment. I had to see the beauty the present moment had to offer. I had to see that life was happening in the moment, and that I was allowing the chains of victimhood to rob me of moments that I could not get back, that once gone were gone forever.

Each day is a gift to be embraced and lived with the fullness of heart and soul. We do not know how many days, weeks, months, or years we have, and to waste them in the past or future is to not be fully alive. It is essential to embrace life and live in the moment if you wish to free yourself of the chains that keep you stuck in your past and the promises of happiness that the future holds.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. —Buddha

Closing Thoughts

• The past is over, the future has yet to arrive; embrace the only moment you have, which is always the present.

• Be grateful for what the present moment has to offer: an opportunity to change, grow, and heal.

• The present moment is your opportunity to break free from the chains of the past.

Notes

With your thoughts where do you spend most of your time; past, present, or future? Can you find things in your life right now to be grateful for and focus on them?