Scissor Me Timbers

My Dearest Inamorata, Virgin Mary:

I beseech thy heavenly help.

For a seductive serpent

has found it fit

to infiltrate my lady garden and

enchant my convent

with her feminine wiles.

My daily thoughts drift

to her most holy of places,

before they become

my most fanny-fluttering nightmares.

Lead me not into her slippery path,

for I fear her ultimate pleasure

would lead to my ultimate punishment.

Give me, I prithee,

chastened strength, forsooth.

May I pluck out my eye

that I cast upon her rotund derrière.

May I cut off my arm

that aches to caress her ample bosom.

Keep her womanly entrance

and her blasphemous booty

from my hallucinatory escapades.

Guide my hand so I might smite

this plaid clad vixen’s descent

upon my henhouse.

Transmute me

into a voluptuous vessel

for your wrath,

Give me the vengeance

I implore

Before the demoness sees fit

to devour us all.

Pray for us sinners,

Mother Superior