EBB AND FLOW

SEARCHING FOR SHE

Trembling,
Knees in the dirt,
Head bowed,
Eyes blinded by hurt;

Without sight,
Paralyzed, I freeze; I
can see no change;
My mind's diseased.

I need a moment to breathe ...

Gasping in pain,
I refrain from capture;
Don't say it's the end
I call on God's rapture —

And shortly after,
I find my laughter.


FEAR vs. LOVE

fear blocks,
  Love Flows;
fear assumes,
  Love Knows;
fear denies,
  Love Grows;
fear is controlled,
  Love is Free;
fear is you,
  Love is SHE.


FITTING IN

Find your box, and get in it. Hurry
— there isn't much time.
If you wait too long, you will be all alone.

Break limbs to squeeze in.

There may be parts that don't fit,
But you can cut them off,
Like in the Brothers Grimm.
You can remove a heel or a toe;
Shhhh ... they don't have to know.

Remember it's for the promise
Of fitting into a glass slipper,
To marry a prince —
It's like that.

Squeeze in, tighter and tighter.
Hold your breath.
It's okay if you lose circulation
And parts go numb —
Don't worry about that.

All that matters is you're in.

Now you belong.

Don't you feel better?


TRANCE OF THE OUTER
WORLD DANCE

I run for the door at the end of the corridor —
A metaphor for freedom —
But it's a hallucination:
Always moving farther from my grasp
Even when I run.
I feel I'll come undone:
It mocks me,
Taunts me,
Haunts me,
Yet I can't walk away —
Even though it's no life for me to stay.
A diluted, yet shared, state of being,
All being deceived,
All fearing to leave ...
There's no love in fear;
There's no love in here.
It's not outside but deep within,
The journey home to love again.


IN SEARCH OF YOU

In search of you,
I keep my senses keen,
Yet it always seems like I miss you.
High and low I search.
But oh
This bitter earth is cruel.


DISCONNECT & RECONNECT

This coming-out-of-nowhere moment,
This unexpected cry
From the past,
Disturbing my present opportunity for peace ...
I piece me back together,
Claim it as a part
And not the whole,
Letting go
To be here now
In stillness.


LIFE ENERGY

You want to name her and own her,
but she exists in a space
where dollars make no sense,
and ownership is meant to be divided amongst the people
of the past, present and future
at the same time —
collectively, simultaneously.

You want to name her and own her.

In your book and house of worship, your war-ship,
there is no division of parts —
she is the whole,
not the whore;
she is the key and the door.
More than your limited concept of
money and value

You want to name her and own her,
except she disappears and reappears
and one cannot control what is truly free.
She doesn't discriminate;
like falling raindrops,
you cannot predict her energy
— a mystery.

In the mind of a thinker,
think her,
thin her, thinner ...
Where did she go?


STUCK/UNSTUCK

Stuck —

As long as I stay
In this place,
In this box,

Each moment choreographed
For your amusement and fun,
I want to break out and run —
To flee these walls that confine me,
These ties that bind me.

As long as I stay,

It's predictable:
No long falls or soaring heights —
A mediocre kind of life.

The urge to stretch my unique shape,
Like the individuality of a snowflake,
Causes me to break free.
Happy to discover the real me

— Unstuck


TIME RELEASED

Our hands never locked tight enough to last;
The grip slipped loose like sand through the hourglass.
It was only a matter of time. Nothing lasts forever.
I have no regrets, just things to collect —
Like all of our memories and my Nina Simone CDs.


RESISTANCE

Morning Rain,
Fighting Pain
Will Remain
Forever Vain
Warrior Came
Picture Frame
Shattered Stain
Shadow Blame


SIGN LANGUAGE

Oh God, I wish I could read your sign language;
Your symbols are so bold and beautiful!

My ancestors were fluent, and now this material girl
In a material world has become lost in translation;

I fell victim to American assimilation
And my soul screams in desperation for me to learn my native tongue:

To be in tune with the earth, moon, and sun;
To nurture my sacred seed until I remember you and I are one.

You wrote me into your book of life as a lead,
For now I am illiterate to your sentiment,
Unnaturally flailing like a fish out of water.
Bearing no resemblance to your daughter.

Following false navigation for the almighty dollar,
Scared to seek a different path,
Afraid of earthly judgment and wrath.

Oh God, I wish I could understand your sign language
And turn a deaf ear to the world,
For I know there are truths in the trees
And wisdom in the breeze.

I feel you longing to speak to me;
Placing constellations in the skies;
Waves of words in the tides
As they rise and fall —

I faintly recall what these symbols mean — —

As I struggle to comprehend,
I am embarrassed by my disconnect,
So I sometimes shift my focus to simple distractions
And insignificant actions.
But my soul can hear your call;
My heart can feel your tears as they fall.

Oh God, I wish I could know your sign language ...

I am willing to learn, so I try to use my intellect
In an attempt to reconnect,
But the signal is a flat line.

My intuition says to meditate to a quiet place of
No mind, and there alone I find my
sacred seed Surrounded by weeds of ignorance and greed.

As I prune them away, I feel the cloudiness fade,
And for the first time I see my core and know
The sign for seed is, "infinite potential to grow."


SENSE-FULL BLISS

What is the color of love?
Is it clear as a tear,
Or red as blood?

What is the sound of love?
Is it a whisper into the ear?
Or a silent hum only lovers can hear?

What is the touch of love?
Is it a shiver up the spine, of a sacred kind? Or
a nibble on the neck for the desired affect?

What is the feel of love?
Is it a secure, tight hold around the soul?
Or is it naturally free like the ocean's roll?

What is the scent of love?
Is it filled with fresh morning flowers?
Or African oils burning for hours?

What is the taste of love?
Is it smooth and sweet like a ripe mango?
Is it bitter and sour like a lime?

I find it to be different every time,
It can never be fully described
Or encompassed it in words or rhymes.

For now I will simply say,
Love has its own sway,
And if you find it ...

Take a look, have a listen,
Take a touch, have a feel, Take
a taste, breathe the scent;

Be consumed by sense-full bliss!


E-LOVE-ATION

Young evening, old knight;
Lazy morning makes it all right.

Elevation, justification.
My tears; your fears; our recreation.

Shallow in the valley,
Hand in hand

When we reach the mountains:
Clear views, and wings
To understand.

To understand!
To stand under God's grace,

Feeling the warmth of his suns, sons,
Knowing a new spirit has begun.

At last ...
No more you, no more me ...

All is now reversed ...
Won ...
  One.


WAKING UP TO SHE

These tears I cry will make me die.
I have nothing left,
So they take my last breath.

They came from my soul
And took their toll;
I held them in until the end,

And then ...

The lies tore me up inside;
I could no longer hide, so I cried.

I cried

I cried until
I died.

I died to my littleness and let that me go,
So SHE could be free and I could
Know

How to die and yet to live
As seasons do:
Letting one go to grasp a new.


RECOGNIZING SHE

Sometimes my connection to her will leave me.
I will need to close my eyes
And visualize;
Resurrecting her beautiful face from memory,
Navigating her star-spangled, moon-angled sunbeams,
Her bright smile, erectile
Dominance of pure tranquility.
Her clear-headed visibility,
Her nurturing, replenishing energy —
All dancing in my mind,
All recreated and slowed down in time:
Here
Now
Just as before
Always and evermore.
This is how reality unfolds;
As I tell her-story, creating the untold,
I am my creator and SHE is me.
We are all the same.
Ask me her name.
Tell me your name.
What is in a name?


MY PEACE

Spiritual peace came in the form of blackness
From shaded trees, rooted in serene tranquility;
From the cool calm of the satin breeze,
No bright lights or flashy things,
Only blended gray to the deepest black.

GROWING PAINS ]

DADDY'S GIRL

Pregnant at the age of eighteen,
Father yelling, "What the hell you mean?"
I told him, "You weren't around to foster my dreams,
So I had to be grown, and find a love of my own."
And truth be known, I just wanted a home.
He promised to never leave me alone,
But now I am faced with my own broken home.
A mother who never became a wife
Wanting more for my daughter's life
Than part-time parents and two different homes,
Than weekend visits and stepparents who step
Left-wrong-left — we're all out of breath.
Daddies, you make a difference, so step up —
Don't just step.


AS I

As I lay used and abused
My innocence twice removed
Tears fill the wells
Of tales ... shhhh don't tell
I guess I'm all grown up now
Told to "suck it all up now"

Mommy's too drunk to listen;
Daddy's out in the streets missin'
As far as mommy and I know,
he's with his side ho
Feelin' himself too much to know — no — notice
— Know this ...

Story called my life,
Why I cried at night,
Why it may never be all right,
Why it's a constant fight,
That just might prematurely end my life

If I only had a friend ...
Damn! I'm only ten,
Fuck I hate men,
God is that a sin?
What kind of trouble am I in?

Praying, I find my religion
In this world of indecision ...
If I call out will God answer?
These thoughts multiply like cancer.

Should I just forgive,
And maybe then I'll start to live?
Yes, maybe then ... I'll start to live,
if only I can forgive ...
Forgive so I can live.


WTF JUST HAPPENED

Your actions yell louder than your words;
I'm focused on what I see, not what I heard.
You talk a good game, but it's not that simple.
Update your software and connect with your mental;
So that way your words and your actions can meet.
Until then you'll be alone on WTF Just Happened Street


MY V-DAY

My vagina's monologue went as so:
Stop calling me a bitch or a ho
Stop saying you're gonna "bust in my guts,"
Or "get in and cut up" —

I am not a place for guns and knives;
I am a loving home for every human life,
So busting and cutting can kill us all;
As a species we will fall.

Be gentle, so I can teach you peace,
Starting with respect when you speak.
You can end the war by being sweet
Each and every time we meet.

If someone asks, say I'm a friend
Who was kind enough to invite you in.


IGNORANT LOVE

I tried to make love to your soul,
But it was too ignorant to know —
    Plagued with a disease,
  Unable to retrieve the message.

I guess my signals were too complex,
  Because all you could flex
    Was an erection,
And I must make a confession —

  It will never ascend
High enough to reach me within.
So let's see if I can help you out;
  Which way did you come in?


EMPTY TOUCH

We are here touching, yet I am numb.
I can see the stars shining bright like your soul,
but tonight I feel each and every
inch of space between us.
I pull you closer, hold you tighter,
but the dream was more fulfilling.
The desire escapes me as I exhale
the steam and passion —
Ahhh —
The idea of you.
I inhale the reality that fills my space,
even as I gaze upon your face ...
I'm not in love with you.
It was all just a dream:
Square peg,
Round hole,
Not whole.


EGO

It's just an illusion,
Confusion,
Infusion into the vein.
Going, going, gone —
Insane.
Rough gain,
Tough Wild West gang
Fighting your subconscious brain.

The membrane has many members,
But you think it's only you
In the VIP room.
Stunner shades dim your view
Of your back-up crew
Known as the creators of your existence —
Oh right:
You're a self-made man.

So when they call your name
To accept that Grammy,
Say, "I'd like to thank me."
But when things go wrong,
It's that Shaggy song —
"It Wasn't Me" —
And you point your finger that way.

So when you stand alone
And feel alone
I want you to think,
'Cause I know you feel the missing link:
The membrane has many members And
you are merely one.


BLACK FRIDAY

If self-esteem were for sale,
How much would you buy?
Would you rather have Gucci
To floss and look fly,
While inside you wonder,
"Would they miss me if I died?"

If self-esteem were for sale,
Would you try to find a lender?
Would it be the new American Dream
To own your own self-esteem?


MIRROR, MIRROR

Part One: The Release


Mirror, mirror, on the wall:
It is you I call liar!
It is you I desire to change
I want to rearrange your face;
I want to shatter your filthy mouth and wash it out
with soap;
I want to tell you I fuckin' hate you when you smoke.
I want to scream at you when you draw my attention
With your non-dominant hand
Because you plan to analyze me like a shrink.

Shrink!
I wish you would disappear.
Look at you: weak and full of fear.
Does my anger scare you?
Are you scared?
Answer me!
Five minutes ago you were all tough;
Now I call your bluff
And you cry,
Reflecting missed lullabies —
That shit is old.

Why don't you reflect this middle finger in your face?
I hate you!
I FUCKIN' HATE YOU!!!
Why do you distort and contort figures?
I figure it's because you take up the whole fuckin' wall
Got you feelin' all important and shit
Like you're the motha-fuckin' president of somethin'!

You ain't nothin' —
You ain't shit —
You ain't never gonna be shit —
Just like your daddy!


SACRED SPACE

Elevate me to a space
where my demons can't travel.

Give pure, honest bliss;
kiss every nerve ending on my skin.

Then penetrate gently,
not to frighten the pearl within.

Motivate me to a philosophy
foreign to anger and sadness

where my soul can be caressed
with gentle gladness,

where my mind can be relaxed
to the point of climax ... sustained.

Remove my pain.


RELEASE ME

I am caught between yesterday and today
Wedged like a pebble beneath a flowing stream
Longing to be released to flow
Free


MIRROR, MIRROR

Part Two: The Acceptance


mirror, mirror, on the wall,
now I see the truth in all:
there's no need for me to fight.
I accept, you reflect light;
my freckles of constellation,
my freedom, emancipation,
bright smile lines and cool smooth lips.
curvy hips swaying, playing, songs of the eclipse;
the secret they sing is that under the darkness is moonlight,
a soft, sweet, somber glow of oneness.
I see eyes spread wide with violet vulnerability,
whispering poems that welcome me home from the trail of my tears,
a place with no demons or fears.
An open field of vibrant tall green grass along a surrendering blue river
where poppies of venetian red, lemon yellow, and intense tangerine
are grounded and serene.
Here ...
I AM
reflecting and accepting love,
overflowing, with ancient knowing of how to breathe and be,
a reflection of the real me.