THE MASTER BEDROOM

I wish I could say that the 7:00 a.m. alarm woke me out of a sound sleep, but I can't. To quote an old song, "I didn't sleep at all last night!" It's not unusual for an athlete the night before a big game to stay awake all night. Today my big game is coming up with a plan on how to clean my home in a quick and efficient manner so that I will have more time to play golf and go out sailing on the Gulf of Mexico.

I have tried many house cleaners, but they never seem to work out. When the last one broke her arm, I decided to tackle the job myself. Why? Because it seemed like it shouldn't be so hard—do a little dusting, wash a few windows, pick up some clutter lying around, and run the sweeper. What's so hard about that? I didn't know, but I was about to find out.

As I lay there in the bed, many questions arose. How long it would take? How would I attack the situation? What cleaning materials would I need? Where should I start? What was I getting myself into?

Then I had a brainstorm! Cleaning a house is just like playing football. No matter what position you play, you have to know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I thought that if I figured out the techniques, how to execute them, and when to implement them, maybe I could make the job more efficient—quick and easy. The process could be a game and a challenge instead of a dreaded task.

Fortunately there are a few things that my mother had continually preached to me that made my life easier. I can hear her now!

• "Make your bed when you get up. Then you won't have to remember to do it later, and your room will look a lot neater."

• "When you get done using something, put it back where it belongs so someone else can find it."

• "When you take off your clothes, put them in the hamper or hang them up so someone else doesn't have to pick up after you or step over them."

I used to get really upset about her nagging, but she said it would pay off later in life. I now live alone, and there isn't a wife or mother to pick up after me. What I realized after I had written this book was that my mother was my first coach. She taught me the basics of all the different positions, how to execute the maneuvers, and when to put them into action. Now I would hear her say,

• "Every time you make your bed, you will get better at it and able to do it more quickly. Practice, practice, practice!"

• "Putting things back after using them is just like returning the weights to their proper place in the workout room."

• "Put your uniform back in the locker or throw it in the hamper."

Garrison Keillor's stories of Norwegian bachelors living as slobs and the stereotypes in movies about men living in messes don't fit a lot of us guys. As a matter of fact, a lot of my single male friends have very presentable homes. The conception that single males are slobs isn't always true.

Coming back to the job facing me, I continued to think. The right place to start would be right here. I was lying here in my bed. It had to be made, and the sheets needed to be changed. I thought, Brilliant! When I get up, I will just strip the bed, put on clean sheets, and finish with the bedspread.

So I jumped out of the bed, ripped off the pillowcases, threw the bedspread on the floor, and stripped the sheets off the bed. I got fresh sheets from the linen closet, put on the fitted sheet and the flat sheet, picked up the bedspread, and put it back on the bed.

I folded back the bedspread, put the fresh cases on the pillows, put the pillows on the bed, and neatly pulled the bedspread up over the pillows. I was finished. Wow! I thought. My first series of plays are completed, and it probably took less than five minutes! This will be a snap!

Okay, what else needs to be done to clean up this room? Firstly pants, shirt, and shoes need to be picked up and put away, and the carpet needs to be vacuumed. Furniture needs to be dusted, and the mirrors and windows should be cleaned.

That's not so hard.

I picked my pants and shirt, put my shoes in the closet, and threw my socks and underwear in the hamper. Next I got out the vacuum, pushed it around the room, grabbed a cloth, and dusted the furniture. I was proud of myself because I was D off these jobs like a linebacker intercepting passes. "Oh crap! Penalty," I said as I noticed my footprints in the freshly vacuumed carpet. After I ran the vacuum again, I noticed that I needed to clean the windows and mirrors, so I got the Windex and did the windows and mirror. Yep, you guessed it. Another big penalty this time because I messed up the carpet again and spotted up the freshly dusted dresser. Fifteen yards and loss of down! I dusted the dresser again and vacuumed the carpet again.

After I finished vacuuming the carpet for the third time and looked at the streaks on the windows and mirrors and lint on the freshly dusted dressers, I realized that I needed to reevaluate the sequence of my plays or punt.

Maybe this isn't as easy as I thought. At that point I realized my sequence of doing the jobs right and in the proper sequence was paramount so that I wasn't messing up something I had already done. Since I didn't have a mentor or coach, I needed to develop my own playbook.

Okay, I thought. If doing the mirrors leaves spray and mist spots on the furniture and walking around and dusting leaves footprints on the carpet, I need to change the sequence. I decided that I should work in the following order:

1. Clean windows and mirrors and any other glass.

2. Dust.

3. Vacuum.

I had my sequence for cleaning the bedroom in order, but there were still a few glitches that needed to be straightened out.

What about the streaky mirrors and windows? If you want, you can buy commercial window sprays. The only problem is that they often contain ammonia, which can harm solar coatings on the windows. I have a friend that installs solar film. He uses a spray bottle full of liquid dishwashing soap, vinegar, and water and scrubs them down with a rag or soft brush. Then he uses a squeegee to finish it off, and he wipes off the corners with a clean paper towel or newspaper. I discovered that if you look at the windows or mirrors from a side angle, you can see the streaks or film left after you have dried them off.

Another trick I learned after spraying and washing the window is to run my hand over the glass because I can feel tiny specks that I sometimes can't see; When my hand starts to vibrate as I move it across the window, I know that it is clean. As Andy Rooney might have said, "Streaky windows and mirrors bug me."

What about dusting? Sometimes I have used a dry cloth. Sometimes I have used a damp cloth, but a damp cloth probably isn't good for wood if I use it on a constant basis. Probably the best thing I have used is a clean rag like a hand towel that doesn't have lint and furniture dusting spray on a limited basis. For big flat surfaces I sometimes use furniture spray and make sure to wipe it dry. For chair rounds and other similar places I spray the cloth and wipe them clean and dry. If you really want to do an outstanding job, use the microfiber cloths.

Then there are the items that have crevices that a dust cloth won't get into. That's the place for a vacuum hose with brush attachment on the end. It lends a clean, professional look.

One thing I noticed the second time I went through the process were the places I had missed and everyone else seems to miss too—the baseboard, above the windows and door frames, panels in the wooden doors, and ceiling fans. Luckily I can stand on my bed and reach the top of the ceiling fan when I need to clean it. One thing you have to remember is to spread something on the bed to catch the dust if the fan is directly above it. I am also tall enough to reach the top of the door frames and windows.

Bending over isn't that difficult to do when dusting the baseboards. After all, quarterbacks bend over or squat all the time. Baseboards and fans don't have to be done every time you clean, but once a month is about right.

Oh, yes, you might have to do the lamp shades. If the sides are flat, you can usually wipe them off with a dust or microfiber cloth. However, if the shades are pleated as mine are, the brush on the hose from the vacuum cleaner does a fine job. Just don't forget to dust the light and inside the shade.

I took a look around and said to myself, "Not bad! The bed is made. Everything has been picked up. The mirrors are clean. The furniture has been dusted, and the carpet has been vacuumed. I may not have done it in the right sequence the first or second time, but now I know, and it will be a lot easier the next time."

When I timed myself, I found that I could change the bed in about four minutes. Cleaning the three double-hung windows and two mirrors takes about five minutes. Dusting takes about seven minutes. That includes the headboard, two nightstands, a doublewide dresser, a tall dresser, and two straight-back chairs. I discovered that the fewer items I have to move around to dust, the faster the job goes. Speed depends on two things—how dirty the place is and how efficient you are at dusting.

If you look at a model home or picture in a magazine, you will find that they have only a few items placed on top of the furniture. They are usually placed for balance and appeal. If you have a lot of pictures, art, and other articles placed around your home and you want to shorten your dusting time, you need to sit down and think about which articles you can live without. I guess your choice comes down to whether you value speed of cleaning or possession of objects.

As I looked around the bedroom, I saw that the windows and mirrors were shiny. The furniture was dusted. The bed neatly made, and no clothing or anything else lay around on the chairs and bed. I thought, This was done by a bachelor. A lot of women wouldn't believe it!

Lesson Learned

If you don't do your work in the correct order, you will be doing some of the jobs more than once, and it will take more time.

Where to now? I thought. Well, the bathroom is right here, and it is a logical choice if I am going to work my way out of this end of the house and toward the end zone, which is the kitchen.

THE MASTER BATHROOM

As I stood in the bathroom doorway and looked at my next project, I thought, I am sure that this is a task that everyone hates. People usually don't like to clean up after themselves or have the time after they perform their personal tasks, such as shaving or cutting the hair out of their noses.

Suddenly a thought from the past jumped into my mind. I realized something I learned in OCS was really going to pay off for me here.

When I went to OCS right after I graduated from college, my first cleaning station was the head. For non-navy people, the head, known in the army as the latrine, is the bathroom for the sailors. It consists of a large room with about ten to fifteen showers, the same number of sinks, and the same number of heads, which are called toilets in civilian terms. The boys' or girls' locker room in high school or college is probably similar. The two most unpleasant objects to clean are the heads (toilet) and the showers. I got stuck with both of them!

Back then we were made to use the old reliable Dutch cleanser with the silly little Dutch girl in her silly wooden clogs and silly white bonnet on the label. We also had scrub brushes, toothbrushes, and towels. My mission was to make sure that all the scum between the tiles in the shower floor was gone so when the inspector rubbed his finger down the grout line, it didn't have any soap scum in it. The toilets had to shine. What made it really important to me was that if I didn't do a good job, then I would get a red gig, and when you got five red gigs, you had to march an hour on the weekend before you could go on liberty. Since I was a liberty hound, I had to make sure that my showers and shitters sparkled like diamonds so I could be one of the first OCS candidates out of the gate! Thinking back, if I had to do it over again, I would put ribbons on the toilet seats and place a rose on each toilet tank. That probably would have gotten a good rise out of the inspector.

Where to Start

So much for daydreaming, Sid. Back to the job, I thought.

Before I began my task, I stopped to evaluate what I had done over and over again in the bedroom because I didn't do the jobs in the right sequence. I surely didn't want to redo my work three times again.

As I thought about the tasks ahead, I realized that I had to clean the shower, sink, counter, mirror, tub, floor, and toilet. What order should I attack them? My brain whispered, I should begin with the task that is farthest from the door and work to the exit. I discovered later that it is best to work clockwise around the room from the exit door.

But wait a minute! I remembered that the bathroom usually has dust, hair, and other things on the floor. Plus there are also toothbrushes, toothpaste, and shaving gear in the way. I thought of the mess I made one time in trying to wash the floor without sweeping first. I need to prepare the room first. So why not dust everything and then clean up the floor before getting anything wet?

I found an old towel and started dusting the highest places. Yep, I remembered that dust falls, so I started at the windows and top of the shower enclosure and worked myself downward. Next I moved to the counter around the raised bathtub and the counter around the sink.

What I could not pick up with the rag I brushed onto the floor. Then I took a broom and swept it up into a pile and then tried to sweep it into a dustpan. The problem was that there was still debris in the grout spaces between the tiles and also in the corners that I could not get with a broom and dustpan.

"What about a dust buster?" I got my trusty dust buster and started sucking the dust balls, hair, and sand up. The only problem was that the exhaust from the dust buster blew everything everywhere before I could get it sucked up. Then I thought of my vacuum cleaner with the hose attachment. It can suck the debris up, and I can get into the corners and other areas where the sweeper will not go. As the vacuum inhaled the dust and debris from the floor, I thanked whoever invented the vacuum cleaner because it worked perfectly, and in a short time I had the bathroom completely dust-free and ready to clean.

Now the big decision was where to start. The john and the shower are both at the far end of the bathroom next to each other. I chose the toilet.

Trivia Time-Out

Now, I don't know if you are a trivia expert or not, but I do know that if you go to cocktail parties or out to dinner with friends, there are times when a lull in the conversation occurs. If this happens, you might find the following information helpful as a conversation continuer. Contrary to what most people think, Thomas Crapper was not the inventor of the flush toilet. Sir John Harrington, a British nobleman and godson of Queen Elizabeth I, was credited with inventing and installing the first flush toilet around 1596. I haven't been able to find out if that's why he was knighted.

It wasn't until the 1780s that Mr. Crapper came along and perfected the flush toilet. He was a plumber and had several inventions. The one I like best is the ballcock. Beats me what it is, but I like the name. Even though he didn't invent the flush toilet, it is possible that he had a better marketing plan because he received most of the credit. Now you know why some people refer to the toilet as "the john" or the "crapper." All of that happened in the modern day, however, and supposedly King Minos of Crete had the first flushing toilet recorded in history, and that was more than 2,800 years ago. If you want to know more, go check it out on the Internet!

Back to the task at hand! First I poured a solution of VDW into the bowl, scrubbed the bowl and underneath the lip around it with the toilet brush, and then flushed it down. VDW is a solution made up of one cup of vinegar and a squirt of Dawn dishwashing liquid in a gallon of water. From now on it will be known as VDW, and it can be used in a spray bottle or in a mop bucket.