CHAPTER 1
Millionaire Mum
Jacqueline Harrison
There I am, sitting and marvelling at my surroundings. My new Burberryhandbag resting on my knee, I finish my breakfast. Elated to the pointof hardly being able to contain my excitement, I gracefully unzip mynew bag, reaching inside and anxiously feeling again for my passport,house keys, and money.
Dressed in a gorgeous, sexy black frock, draped with a glamorousthree-quarter ivory-coloured coat and stunning black leather Italianhigh-heeled pointed boots, I look and feel glorious.
Knowing that upon touchdown a driver shall collect me, my namedisplayed on his sign, I feel important. He will chauffeur me to BMW,where I will collect my brand-new, specified Mini Cooper, which I havealready named Bertie. Although Bertie arrived at the showroom the daybefore I flew out, I have not yet laid eyes on him. Red all over, completewith optional extra overhead airbags, he is my dream. I begin to wishI had thought to hire a photographer to take shots of me as I movethrough arrivals and head outside to be whisked away to the showroomby my private driver.
Visualizing a continuous array of photographs capturing the emotion andsense of accomplishment that I feel, reaching an important milestone,on track to fulfilling my dreams, I imagine the photographer follows meto the showroom, where I eagerly await the unveiling of my little car. Itseems like a fun idea and would be great to include in a book if I everget around to writing one. Oh well, I concede. It is too late now.
As I sit there in my airplane seat whilst we descend, I am still feelingimportant. I remember the saying, "Pride comes before a fall." I thinkto myself, I do not want to fall. I love the life I am creating. I recount theenormous effort it has taken to get where I am: the countless late nightsand early starts, the seven-day weeks, the constant challenge of being aworking mum pressured to organize and fund private nursing care whenmy children are ill and I have appointments to keep.
I remember all I have learned about myself and about life. I remindmyself that life is not about being arrogant. Life is about giving andloving. In that moment, my sense of importance falls away, replaced byhumility. With ample room to play and forty-five minutes to spare, myexcitement about driving Bertie re-emerges. My thoughts float away,and I plan a glorious drive home from the city in my freshly polishednew red car.
Forgetting where I am, I become like a girl sitting in the playground. Icross my ankles and swing my legs back and forth, jiggling and fidgetingmomentarily. Soon, after it is too late, I realize that I am being observed.Another passenger sitting across the spacious aisle smiles. I politely andsweetly return the gesture, adjusting my pose appropriately, sitting upstraight and returning to a state of sophistication. Note to self: I mustensure that I behave in accordance with my environment!
My attention shifts outside, through the window. I am overjoyed aboutBertie, about my life, and about the future. In an effort to relax, Ipurposely draw slow, deep breaths, choosing to savour the moment. Iremember how I got to be here.
The journey to this point in my life started nearly five years earlier. Thinkingback to that time, I feel the way I felt then: terrified and emotionallybruised, my heart pounding, my fingers fumbling as I twist the key inthe lock for the final time. I am fretting that our moment to escape willdisappear. Feeling nervous and anxious, I know I have made the rightdecision to move on and leave this horrible relationship behind.
I do not know what is going on in my husband's mind. I am grapplingwith making the necessary choices. With excited anticipation and feelingextremely vulnerable, I know I need to give myself the permission tostart afresh with a new life, a new beginning, and with my childrenbeside me, I start that journey.
What is the right next step? I am making it all up as I go along. Puttingone foot in front of the other, I tell myself that our physical safetyis paramount. It is a tough call; I choose to leave. With my survivalinstinct heightened, I fail at nothing to keep the children safe. Thismeans ensuring that my life remains intact. Fleeing without a trace isour best chance.
In the car with my children, I lock the doors. Not knowing what weare facing, but knowing what actions I am now taking, I fasten myseat belt and turn on the ignition. I am petrified. Navigating my waythrough this terrifying time, I am acutely aware of the danger if thingsdo not go according to plan. Purposely, I breathe deeply and slowlywhilst preparing myself to take the stand required. I am aware that thisaction will require of me more than I have ever known myself capableof being. Time appears momentarily to stand still.
My internal monologue is calling out in panic, bordering on terror.What if he sees us? What if he comes home early? What if I have forgottensomething important? Many unanswered questions flood my mind.
The trauma of living in fear for nearly eight years shows itself as Ibreathe a sigh of relief that I have left the house spic and span. At leasthe won't arrive home and fly off the handle, I think to myself. Hopefully,Strip Yourself Naked: Your Journey toward Self-Empowermenthe will take a moment to sit in quiet and think. Maybe, just maybe, he willchoose to move on with his life and let us go. The possibility exists that hewill be relieved by our departure. I say a prayer, take a deep breath, anduse the time in the car to gather myself.
We have to survive, no matter what; I have to live, to love, and tocare for our children. They are so incredibly helpless, exceptionallyvulnerable. I draw on everything I have internally and personally tofocus on creating a better, brighter life.
That was then; this is now. My change began when I drew a line in thesand, etching out a new future—a life full of possibility.
Being in business class aboard an international airplane takes tenacityand commitment. It takes being self-reliant and placing all my belief inmy own capability—concentrating on strengths, not weaknesses.
As I soak up the comfort and service that accompany a business-classticket, tears begin to fill my eyes. I am thrilled at what I have achieved.What a stark contrast this is to my life before. Taking a return business-classtrip halfway around the world is a dream fulfilled. I sit thereexpecting that the best is yet to come.
A few weeks after returning from my trip abroad, I return—in Bertie—frombusiness in the city, driving back over the seven-lane AucklandHarbour Bridge. The sun shining, the scent from the leather interiorstill strong, my heart expands almost to bursting. The joy and happinessoverwhelm me. The sea below glistens like diamonds. Empowered andon track, I realize that I have ticked off another goal: paying cash for abrand-new car that I would never have normally allowed myself to buy.Being responsible for two young children, their future opportunities,and their day-to-day needs meant that buying a brand-new car wouldnot normally have been a priority.
Ordering Bertie was an act of patting myself on the back. What amomentous occasion—my first little something for me, done inrecognition of all the right choices I had made for the children andmyself as I carved out our new lives together, totally separate from theirfather. The pathway I had chosen was far from easy. Bertie is my reward;he is a symbol of my success, and he is brain food.
When friends and family kick back, enjoying their downtime, I amworking through. I have little help with the children. They are myresponsibility. There are a few other mums from kindergarten andschool whom I can call on now and then, but I do not want to draintheir kindness. I am on my own as far as funding care is concerned. Weget through, just. Besides, I want the children around me. This is theirlife. I am being a role model for their future. I am it—the buck stopswith me. Who they become and how they interact with the world willcome from these moments, their developing years.
Buying Bertie has never been tinged with even a single element of regret.It has been five years since I ended the toil in our lives. However, I stillface each day with fear for my children and myself. Always, in the backof my mind, I do not dare to entirely relax. I have to stay alert. Althoughwe are at opposite ends of the country now, I cannot be 100 percentsure. The fear has not yet left me. There are still recurrent nightmareswhere I wake up terrified and drenched. It will take years for the fearto leave. In fact, I am not entirely sure that it will ever completelydisappear. At least with time, though, I have a sense of having won out.The more time that passes, logic says, the safer we are.
In Bertie, on top of the Auckland Harbour Bridge, this is my moment.Whilst Bertie marks new beginnings, stages, and dreams, he signifiesmuch more—a part of my life that has been undeniably difficult. As Ihave alluded to, every day has consisted of reaching for the stars. Thehard work is not over yet, far from it. However, with the new skills I amcontinuing to gather through experience, the work is getting easier. Thehard times are fewer and fewer, interspersed between longer stretches ofgood and exhilaratingly fun times. Reaching the apex of the bridge, theexcitement runs deeper and deeper, enveloping me, filling my eyes overand over with tears of joy. The experience of being on top of the worldcompels me to call out "Woohoo!" Windows down, the light breezecarries echoes of my excitement away with the wind.
The immense satisfaction comes from fulfilling my dreams. Consideringthe canyon between where I once stood as a single parent lackingconfidence, a voice, and emotional strength to where I currently am inlife moves me to tears when I reach the apex of the bridge in little Bertie.Today and every day hereafter, I will be heard calling out "Woohoo!"
I am present to the fact that my current life is a victory over my past. Myprevious life is unrecognizable to me now. I looked different then, andI was different. I have emerged from my shell. What a contrast: my lifeon the bridge verses my life five years earlier. I cannot resist imagininga life in which I never left. Truly thankful, I wipe away the tears of joy.What an extraordinary achievement.
What makes my past life unrecognizable is how my thinking haschanged. I went from thinking that I had to honour the vows I madeon our wedding day and stay married until death do us part to a muchmore freeing perspective.
That way of thinking is ludicrous. What an impossible situation. Iremember when I began to entertain the idea that breaking my promiseto my husband was justified in these circumstances. In that moment,I suddenly realized for the first time that he had not kept any of thepromises he had made on our wedding day. I had spent the best partof eight years believing that I had to stay true to the vows I promisedwithout realizing that he had already given me the out that I required.Thank goodness for that light-bulb moment.
Once I realized my thinking had been skewed, I was free to create a newlife full of hope, passion, fulfilment, and accomplishment. I took thedriver's seat in my life. I took accountability and responsibility for howthings were and what was missing. I then took the ownership requiredto put myself out in the world and make life happen. It was then that Ibecame the unstoppable force to be reckoned with that I am today. Assoon as I realized that nothing stood in my way, I was off.
My children and I live an extraordinary life together that keeps ongrowing and expanding year by year. There isn't anything that is beyondus. We are the masters of our own destinies. We have what it takes toget what we want, and because of where we have come from, we giveback to others and always make sure that all our work projects are fairand just for all people that are involved so all may benefit.
Practicing new ways of thinking and living has created a pathway forliving the life we love. With practice, we all realized that we were theonly ones in the way of achieving our dreams as human beings.
Jacqueline Harrison is an author, mentor, and speaker on inspiringgreatness. She is also an advocate for domestic violence victims and acampaigner to help end child abuse. She also facilitated much neededfunds for New Zealand women to pay for 12 months Herceptinin the fight against early HER2+ breast cancer between 2006 and2008. Jacqueline's newest project is as the business owner andcreative designer behind www.poeology.com.au You can find moreinformation about Jacqueline at www.jacquelineharrison.com ore-mail her at jacqueline@jacquelineharrison.com.
You do not need to be wealthy to give generously. Gifts ofthe heart are the greatest gifts of all.
—Valentina Rise
CHAPTER 2
Becoming Free toBe Me ...
Deborah Shepherd
We all have times in our lives when we experience a moment thatultimately defines us; the person we have been dissolves, and we arenever the same again.
One such moment I vividly remember was a business conversationthat took place not in the boardroom or an office but ironically on mycollege campus, where I had been taking evening classes in pursuit of adream to break away, to live a life aligned with my values, and to fulfilmy purpose.
The words seemed to hang in the air as they were spoken, letting meknow that the role I had identified with for so many years was nowunder question. Even though I had mentally decided years ago thatthe relationship needed to end, this final act of betrayal filled my entirebeing with a rush of mixed emotions—first shock, then a sense ofrejection, and then anger and resentment. Finally my whole being wasnumbed with disbelief.
Eventually these feelings were replaced with excitement, immense joy,and a true sense of freedom; these gifts were waiting around the corner,but at that time, I couldn't see that far ahead.
This energetic kick in the stomach had stopped me in my tracks, sonothing else was registering, and I was constantly plagued with themental chatter of "Will I be ok?" and "Why has this happened to me?"These thoughts seemed to pop in and out of my awareness for severalmonths afterward as I walked through these times of immense change.
Yet I was still expected to dust myself off and continue to perform, pullon my corporate mask and attend scheduled business meetings, andconnect with our stakeholders and remain the "leadership face" of ourstate. I needed to ignore my emotional state and get back to business,for this was what I was being paid for: to understand that these werejust business decisions and shouldn't be taken personally.
However, this underlying law of the business world to see the pursuitof the bottom line as more important than the recognition of the soulof another had challenged my core values for quite some time. This waswhen I started to realize that my world was being pulled apart and thatthere was nothing I could do to stop it.
This marked the beginning of my transition from a role that suffocatedme, restricted my creativity, and had me locked in due to financialcommitments and my sense of responsibility. What I transitioned to wasthe life I live today, a life that enables me to breathe, live with purpose,and enjoy the freedom that only comes when you allow yourself to be100 percent congruent.
However, as the days unfolded and the ball gained momentum, Ididn't anticipate how it would impact me physically, emotionally, ormentally.
Just as in the movie Sliding Doors, where the character's life couldhave gone down two different paths based upon a given decision or acomment, several alternative scenarios kept running through my headas I second-guessed myself on whether I had made the right call.
You see, no matter whether change is invited or thrust upon you, it canstill rattle your being and hold you in a void, waiting for the new life tobegin. Feelings of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt start to creep in,filling this void, and you start to question whether you really want thischange, what lies ahead, and whether everyone will be safe.
Getting up and functioning on a daily basis was sometimes all I couldmuster, and the highest achievement of my week was to keep it alltogether.
For the following weeks, I remember watching everyone going throughtheir daily activities, as life seemingly had not changed for them whilemy world had been severely dismantled. I was relegated to the sidelinesof a play, with no real role or relevant lines to speak, just watching andwaiting for my next play script to arrive.
