CHAPTER 1
TOEICIANS & FEETOIANS
Toeicians
I have learned there are tiny creatures that live within the body known asTIPs (tiny inducers of pain). They all live in unique areas of the body butcan travel, if needed, throughout.
The first set of TIPs we will define live in the toes and are known asToeicians. Toeicians have one of the smallest sets of tools to inflictpain—basically one tool—and that is a miniscule icepick. They use thistool with as much vigor and vitality as they see fit in relation to anydamage done to the outside.
Let's take this as an example: You step on the hot sand at the beach. Theymight tap internally with a little pressure just to let you know they arenot happy with your choice to walk without shoes. When you get downto the water and start cooling your feet off, they stop issuing pain.
Now we will take it up a notch: You drop a bowling ball on your toes.That's bad. So they continue to pound away with that pick, adding moreand more pain.
Another degree of added pain would be if you stubbed your toe on ametal bed frame. That is very serious to a Toeician—after all, they weresleeping when you hit your toe. That would mean they were thrown outof bed, and you can imagine how that could piss them off. Or maybethey were having dinner when you stubbed your toe—they would endup with their dinner all over them. These issues are very painful to aToeician, so watch out for full retaliation.
We have also found that even though they are very handy with theirsingle picks and can produce enormous amounts of pain with them,they also have the ability to utilize—perhaps they can rent or borrow—ahigher pressure tool, say like a jack hammer or power hammer.
Remember, TIPs are all connected via mental telepathy into an extensivecommunications network, and know what is going on all over yourbody, but they pay most of their attention to their own area, includingtheir counterpart team, which in this case is the group of Toeicians onthe other foot.
One of the most important issues about Toeicians is not to treat one set oftoes better than the other. Favoring one over the other could possibly causea Hatfield-and-McCoy type of action. TIPs can be very spiteful, and youcertainly don't want one foot trying to cause more pain than the other.
Toeicians like to be pampered, so wash them, rub them with a vitaminE cream or some kind of soothing lotion or conditioner. But mostimportantly, if you do get pain in your toes, apologize directly to theToeicians—even if you don't remember what you did wrong. A simpleapology could make them back off, with this caveat: don't let them catchyou being insincere, for if they do, look out for the pain that comes next.
Now, I heard through the grapevine that Toeicians are one of the groupsthat are allowed to keep pets. This privilege is reserved for certain groupsonly, while for the other guys this is totally verboten. These pets can beseen on television on a widely screened commercial for a foot cream.They are dermatophytes, and in the commercial, you can see them on firegoing under your toenails. If you investigate them via their web page,you will see they are also used for jock itch—and this goes for both menand women. These dermatophytes are an additional, biological weaponto the standard tools issued to a Toeician. I suggest you keep up withthe rules and laws of the Toeician group, for if they consider a violationof toe regulations a serious matter, and they are forced to let loose thesedermatophytes, you may have to run out and purchase that cream! Bythe way, Toeicians seem to enjoy the flavor of the product and spend agood amount of time waiting for their members to have their fill of thattasty cream or spray.
Feetoians
Now these characters are very bold, for they control the remaining partsof the foot that the Toeicians don't. Their tools include a chisel, hammer,and a heel-sensitivity gauge.
I am sure you have, from time to time, had a cramp in the middle of yourinstep. You may have blown it off as a muscle spasm that would go awayin a few minutes, but the truth is that was a Feetoian playing with thesensitivity gauge. As you can see, they can raise the sensitivity of an areaconsiderably. It usually starts with just a little pressure in the ball of yourfoot, which barely gets your notice. So you stomp your foot, and it goesaway, only to return in a few minutes as a full-blown cramp.
This is what happened: When you stomped your foot, you irritated aFeetoian who was checking gauges. So he retaliates by turning up thegauge to induce real pain.
Some of the other areas that can upset a Feetoian are walking barefoot,stepping on something, sitting for a very long time, and wearing a pairof shoes the Feetoians do not like.
To explain the last situation first—I am sure all of you have had a pair ofshoes that always hurt your feet, but sometimes only a little and othertimes pretty badly. Well the Feetoians do not like those shoes, and theseverity of pain you receive depends upon their mood.
Sitting for an extra-long period of time also upsets these TIPs—now youhave a sleeping foot. Again, how long it could take to wake that foot updepends on how bothered by your action (or inaction) they are at thetime.
And finally, walking barefoot and stepping on something: again, itdepends on what you stepped on, but it does not necessarily matterwhat type of visual damage results or the number or severity of cutsand bruises the exterior foot displays. Rather, the amount of pain youexperience depends entirely on the Feetoian or Feetoians on duty atthat time. God forbid they are arguing with a spouse, or missed dinner,or are just in a bad mood, because if they are, you are in deep trouble.That little pebble you stepped on might hurt for days.
Let's say one Feetoian's wife ran off with a Toeician, and then you steppedon that pebble. You can bet that after three days' pain, you will get aninfection where that little pebble nicked the skin. On the other hand,let's say instead the married Feetoians were just finishing up an intimateinterlude—that two-inch gash you got will hardly hurt at all and willclear up completely in a few hours.
Here's an example. I have a high instep, and I wore a pair of loafers wherethe vamp came over my instep. I would take those shoes off and seea big red mark across both insteps. Nonetheless, I know the Feetoiansliked those loafers, because though my insteps were red and swollen,they never hurt! On the other hand, I dressed up in a pair of wing tips,and I don't know why—maybe because of the funny name—as loose asthey were across my instep, and causing no discoloration in my foot, Iwas always in pain when I wore them. What other proof do you need toconfirm that these TIPs are in control of the body?
CHAPTER 2
CALFONIANS & KNEEYINS
Calfonians
Calfonians are one of the fastest groups of TIPs, for they fill in if theToeicians, Feetoians, or Kneeyins (notice the unique name ending) arenot operational or are offline, no matter what the reason—sick, out ofpocket, or just on vacation. Standard tools for Calfonians are the pressuregauge, sand paper, and hammer.
Calfonians are special because even though all TIPs can see what's goingon outside the body, most of them prefer not to look, tending to staywithin their area and not monitor what's going on in the rest of the body,much less outside. How do I know that? Well if they watched, they wouldgive you a shot of pain just as a reflex to see if a problem results.
Let's say the kid next door goes to kick you in the shins, because youkicked his ball over the house and into the backyard. Your Calfoniansknow what's going to happen, even though you may not be aware of i. Ifthey were to slam you inside the calf with their hammer, you would havea warning that gave you time to prepare a defense. But do they giveyou that type of warning? No way. They get their pressure gauges, sandpaper, and hammers, and after you get that kick, they go to work puttingthe pressure gauge with sand paper on its end up against your internalsurface. Then they apply extreme pressure, moving the unit so the sandpaper rubs on the inside of the calf. Once in a while, they will give youa shot with the hammer to induce pulsating pain. Then they make acall to their cohorts in the south for sympathetic support. Perhaps youhave noticed whenever a shin problem occurs, almost automatically youhave a foot problem. That's because, as mentioned before, they fill infor Feetoians occasionally and, in a reciprocal agreement, get backupjustification from the Feetoians, causing double trouble.
A Calfonian's main function is not the shins, of course, but the calf. Everhave a charley horse in the calf? Hurts, doesn't it? Now you know whyyou don't piss off a Calfonian. They love to see you attempt to walk on aleg with a charley horse in it. This type of pain becomes entertainmentfor all the TIPs. You might think you are hearing voices and worry aboutyour mental health, but it is only these tiny inducers of pain calling oneand other to watch the dummy trying to walk when you cannot evenstand up.
Kneeyins
Out of all the TIPs, I feel this group is the most agitated. Their tools, inaddition to the standard-issue icepicks, include jack hammer, pressuregauge, scraper, sanding paddle, and last but not least, a sand blaster.These guys are very sensitive; they watch every little movement and canturn almost anything into a bad situation whether it began that way ornot. Their name-ending, yin instead of ian, is used because of the manyopportunities they have to induce pain. Sports, weight, falling, marriageproposals, even praying, any many other functions can spur the Kneeyinsinto action.
You probably ask yourself how I know this. Let me turn the questionaround: have you ever gone down on one or both of your knees orwatched anyone else do the same? No one just drops down; they almostalways hesitate before they actually put their knees on the ground. Now,I ask you, are you doing that, or are Kneeyins doing that? My observationssuggest that the hesitation is more than likely the Kneeyins preparing forbattle. They are moving in the heavy equipment, preparing your knee togo down on, say, a little pebble, stick, or rock. Or they might just pull aplain old twist as you are going down.
Another concern of this group is their need to flare up when you leastexpect it. Let's say you are fast a sleep at night, the window open or theair conditioner set to a nice cool temperature. Early in the night, theroom is, warmer and you kick the covers off, but it gets progressivelycolder as the night wears on, and you need those covers back. A Toeician,Feetoian, or Calfonian will attempt to locate the covers to avoid furthercomplications, but not a Kneeyin. Instead, the Kneeyin will go right towork chipping away at your internal knee. This causes you to react inyour sleep, five times out of ten causing what you think is a twisted knee.But I ask you, what proof do you have it is a twisted knee? You have beenlying in bed asleep; how would you have twisted it? No, this phenomenais a prime example of Kneeyins blasting away internally.
Now, I am not saying you can't work with Kneeyins, but you have to putforth great effort. For instance, if you are overweight, don't expect anysympathy from a Kneeyins—they will put the pressure on you and willnot look back. Don't give them an inch, for they will take a mile and loveevery minute of it.
This leads me to the next group, the Thighians, which you will see arequite different.
CHAPTER 3
THIGHIANS & ASSONIANS
Thighians
I don't know about you, but to me Thighians are the most passive groupof TIPs. They only use the standard-issue toolkit and very seldom have theneed to borrow any more aggressive tools from any other groups. Theyseem to be a really content group with very little to complain about.
There is one thing I noticed, which of course the general layman wouldnot easily detect, and that is how irritated they get when too much frictionoccurs. Let's say individuals who need to shed a few pounds experiencesome thigh friction. This would piss off the Thighian group, and revengewould take place. One of the culprits that upsets the Thighians is sand.You know what I mean—sand in the bathing suit rubbing in the crotchcan certainly set off a flurry of activity in a Thighian camp. But thatcondition is just as irritating and uncomfortable to you; therefore, youtake care of it as soon as you can, leaving you and the camp relieved andhappy again.
There is one situation where you could feel retaliation from the Thighiancamp and that is lovemaking. Particularly during the foreplay. Let's saythe Thighian female is on her "time of the month," and now you get intoa heated foreplay situation ... Do you think the TIP female will let youmake the best of it when she cannot participate in the same practice? Ithink not. Now I will not comment here on the actual act of intercourse,for that involves other TIPs groups along with the Thighians; therefore, itwill be covered when I get to that ... area. But rest assured, that is wherethe rubber meets the road. So to speak.
Assonians
Please remember, TIPs are pain distributors. Therefore, they do notlike to be called buttocks, bottoms, buns, or any other form of nice,soft language. They like to be called Assonians. That shows power anddemands respect. No flowery euphemisms here. And the way I see it, thisgroup can be one of the meanest. I will start with the mild attacks first;then proceed to the one that will bring man, woman, or child to theirknees begging for mercy.
The first and most mild force of attack from the Assonians comes in theform of horseplay: maybe you're playing ball with your friends or spouse,and you fall back on your ass. That hurts, but only for a few minutes. Soyou call a timeout, and before long, you are right back at it. Or anothertype of mild pain is when you and your special someone are wrestlingaround and you slip off the couch on your ass. Again that does not upsetan Assonian, so they just induce a minimal amount of discomfort, and inminutes you're back groping other areas of TIPs interest.
But things can escalate. So the next area is the purposeful administeringof pain. Let's say your better half enjoys a good spanking once in a while,or you decide you are going to horseplay a little rough and slap the assof your loved one. This can be taken totally wrong by an Assonian group,and they decide to do something about it. The Assonians have every toolknown to TIPs at their disposal, so watch out, because they do not onlyattack the soft par,; they also go after your ass bone if you get them reallyriled up. This can cause a tremendous amount of pain.
Before I get into the worst attack an Assonian can perform, I will give yousomething I am almost certain they enjoy. This way, whenever you haveto get on their good side, you may want to think about this as a solution.Have you ever noticed in sports when a teammate does something great,his fellow teammate taps him on the ass? This is done lightly and is seenas a pure sign of affection. This seems to be acceptable to Assoniansas well, because you never see the player being tapped grab his ass inpain; therefore, I feel certain these TIPs accept this show of affection. TheAssonians are probably cheering and hollering "That's my ass!"
However, the worst of the worst when it comes to an Assonian can bedescribed in one word: constipation. Now you know you did somethingwrong to really piss off the whole group. You are likely to blame somethingyou ate: "I should not have eaten that whole jalapeño with that big plateof nachos!" If you believe that, you should never eat another nacho, butI know Latinos and Anglos alike who can eat five or six jalapeño peppersalong with a greasy beef taco, and they are not suffering, so what didyou do to piss off the Assonians? Don't tell me it is something you didn'teat; I don't believe it. You did something to piss these TIPs off. I am sureyou all know the power this group can have on your system. I rank theAssonians as one of the most powerful groups, so I suggest you treatthem with respect and high regard.
Having conversations with the boss, a few phrases might come to mindthat you'd be wiser to keep to yourself. These are more often than notphrases stolen from Assonians. Everyday phrases like bad ass, ass kisser,big ass, no ass, and others upset the Assonian group, because theyoriginated these phases but we all act as if we invented them. But thephrase that bothers them the most, really irritating them, is pain in theass. You may use it just in passing, but they feel that it represents theirlivelihood, their profession, if you will, and you are using it as mockery.So. A word to the wise: use that term loosely and you will pay the pricein the ... end.
(Continues...)
