Synopsis
Mr. Green was talking to himself, sitting on his deck in the dark with three fingers of scotch and a Glock, waiting for the raccoons. Dave Barry meets Mark Twain, Testosterone, Turkeys and Dolly is 104 columns from Notes from the Coast, a weekly newspaper column about life, death, what makes things funny, what we were and the surprise of what we became. What do you expect when a story on what gender is Godzilla is considered news. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to even imagine two Godzillas mating. You’re a film buff? The next selection on your Netflix queue is Attack of the Fifty-Foot Vampiress with a D-Cup. I can imagine you asking just before I croak, are you okay? No, I’m not okay. Are you not paying attention? I’m dying. Need anything? I need everything. The Constitution should require vegetarians and Republicans to listen to my side while nodding occasionally. I’ve got pretty good algorithm myself, as I was told recently at the end of my Zumba workout A friend asked me if margarine, rice cakes, turkey bacon, and fat-free sour cream will help her live longer. No, I said, it won’t. It will just seem longer. It’s a sobering thought to realize the granddaughter of your granddaughter, will not know what you fought for or who you loved. Our species is heart-warming, crazy and frightening. One couple named their kid .45. A local mother told her daughters there’s no Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and that guy who lives with us is not your father. Come along for the ride.
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