CHAPTER 1
Introduction and ackground
I, (James Sekhukhuni/Rachael Princess), take you, (James Sekhukhuni/Rachael Princess), to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good and in bad times, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honour and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live, until deaths do us part.
... and this way, the journey to (a place called) until deaths do us part officially begins. Questions: Does the couple know the right road to get there? If they know the road will they walk in it? One thing I know, 'where there is a will there is a way'!!!
A destination requires the road to reach it. One day in a special church service I asked men in our fellowship what their favourite holiday destination is. One man responded, "Cape Town". Upon his response I wanted to know if he knew the road to Cape Town and he correctly said, 'N1 south from Johannesburg'.
It is very important to know marriage's destiny and the road to get there. In this book the emphasis is on the marriage's destiny which everyone knows as "until deaths do us part". Most importantly, couples should be aware that to get to this ideal destination, they need not only know the destiny but also be on the right way to get there. Although many people know this destination only few get into the road that leads there. In other words, know the kind of life-partnership impact your partner needs or expect from you and bring it to the marriage. This way you are a blessing to your partner.
If, for example, N1 south from Johannesburg is the road to Cape Town, it must then be noted that N1 north from Johannesburg is not the road to Cape Town as it goes the opposite direction. Such is marriage. Not every road leads to until deaths do us part. Partners must therefore be careful on how they behave in the marriage. When your partner says, "I do not like this and that", unless you can convince your complaining partner otherwise, you must listen to him or her with two ears if you really value and care for your marriage.
Every book author is inspired by something to start the writing job. This book is a means to fight against high rate of divorces and to expose satan's influences in the marriage. May I also take this opportunity to thank Dr. Arnold Mol for his hard work in writing the inspiring marriage book called 'let's both win'. Even if you have not yet read the book, the name itself gives you the idea behind it. I have read it myself and would encourage anyone to buy it. You won't regret it.
There is a statement in 'let's both win' book saying, 'at the beginning of the courtship every couple is determined that the romantic excitement of their courtship is not going to fade'. As a second language English learner I had to visit the dictionary to discover that the word "fade" meant to lose freshness. I believe it is possible to keep the relationship fresh. All it takes is the commitment by both partners to remember and use the basic words "I am sorry" and "thank you". It is amazing to realise the power of the words. The bible tells us that everything was created through the words. The words heal the wounds and the words can also start or increase the pain upon your partner. It is the above mentioned words that keep my relationship with God going in the right direction. Losing the ground rules 'Thank you' and 'I am sorry, please forgive me' may result in the loss of the marriage direction or a marriage being harmed beyond repair. It should be the duty of each party in the marriage to convince his or her partner to confess 'I am happily married'. Remember to be a partner and not the lifetime opponent in compliance to the will of satan.
There are three marriage situations that stunned me in this life time. They are as follows:
[] When I saw my colleague in a very good relationship with her husband's two children from different mothers. 'Some people are really serious about building marriages', I said.
[] When my friend was telling me that he asked his wife what her personal reasons to attend couples meetings every month were. 'To socialize', she said. I nearly fainted when he told me she said it. Aren't couples meetings aimed at building marriages?
[] When my neighbour lost her husband to another woman, the husband's family are still intact with her to this day. The family puts all the blame for the marriage breakdown on their own son. Seeing these I concluded, my neighbour was truly married (united) to her husband and not pretending. Her in-laws are my witnesses in this. May God bless my neighbour for doing her part in the marriage with excellence!!!
Concerning marriage direction and the loss thereof, couples need to know the place where the ideal marriage is heading to. In everything done or said in the marriage, one is either constructing or destroying that marriage. There is a saying that goes, 'it is the road that leads to a destination'. If marriage arrives at the destination called 'until deaths do us part', this tells us that the marriage was on the way to that destination. In the same way, if the marriage ends with a divorce, such a marriage was on the way to divorce. No wonder it finally arrived or ended in divorce. Big question I want to ask you in this book is 'where is your marriage going'? There are only two possible destinations available for your marriage. It is either you are on the way to until deaths do us part or on the way to divorce. Whatever the destination you have chosen with your actions or words, your marriage will finally arrive. There is no way one can claim, 'I arrived at this destination by surprise'. The likelihood is that you arrived by ignorance and not by surprise. With your words and actions, are you building or destroying your own marriage? One other question I would like to ask is, 'are you a partner or the opponent to your man or woman'?
Just like the direction instruments called GPS, this book is meant to guide determined couples to get to the destination of their dreams. It must be emphasised that every destination has a road that leads to that destination and for this reason only those who are walking in the right road will finally get to their desired destination. Many couples get married without this aspect in their minds and expect to get 'to until deaths do us part' irrespective of the direction they have chosen for their marriage. There is no way you can stay together for a lifetime living carelessly. It takes determination, commitment and willingness to improve to get to the ideal marriage destination.
Imagine the wedding day being the taking off of your marriage aircraft. Where are you going? Do you know that the pilot needs to keep checking his device for direction? There is another saying that goes, 'if you do not know where you are going, every road will take you there'. Avoid being on every road. Be on the right road!!!
CHAPTER 2
Definition of marriage
When asked to give a speech at one of the weddings I attended, my friend said, 'marriage is a challenge and not a burden'. The perfect definition of a marriage though is found in the following Bible verses: Genesis 2v23 & 24. Verse 23 says, the man said, 'this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' for she was taken out of man. 24. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'.
Note the underlined words above. The inclusion of the words 'united to his wife' as well as 'the two shall become one flesh' pin point the whole definition. Marriage is all about unity or oneness. This unity should be in line with the Word of God and not against it. When doing self-introspection a couple may need to examine how much of unity or oneness they have achieved in the process of building their marriage. The more united you are in every way, the better a couple you are. One may ask, 'to what extend are you united?' This also addresses the frequency of seeing things the same way or in harmony and moreover, pulling efforts to the same direction. Again, this means being on one side in contrast to being on the opposite sides whenever addressing the issues. Loss of trust in the marriage cannot be amended easily. The old saying is relevant here - 'prevention is better than cure'.
I want to take you back to the words 'one flesh' above. In Mathematics "one" is made up of two halves. Thus; ½+&½ = 1. It has become a norm for many partners nowadays to call each other 'my better half'. Just like two halves, marriage is about complementing each other as a couple. The word of God from the book of 1 Corinthians 7v4 & 5 says, 'The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also his wife. 5. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control'. The impact of satan in the marriage is explained further in chapter six of this book. It is important to note the underlined words 'mutual (thus, shared or joined) consent' above. If one party doesn't care about the other's consent, the party who doesn't care is guilty of destroying the marriage (or unity) through selfishness. Life is, most certainly, a long road when you face it alone. It's even worse when you face it with your opponent.
A selfish person is always focused on oneself, own mother, own father, own children and own siblings. Such a person has a habit of being a constant opposition to any issue that doesn't benefit either oneself or his or her own people. The marriage on the way 'to until deaths do us part' is for both parties to win and not for the win of only one person while the other one is losing. At times, selfish people pursue their win at the expense of others and that is their reason to get married. Check them when they have or are expecting money. They always disclose their money with a finalised plan not allowing their partners to have a say on their money. The same people are quick to give direction to their partners' money. How can a married person live as if living alone? Isn't this a signal of a sick marriage? I mean, such a marriage has a clear virus planted by satan in it. Selfishness is a deadly virus and it cannot take your marriage to 'until deaths do us part?' Never!!!
Here follows the words of wisdom: 'never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time,' William Shakespear. This is the fate of the selfish people. Instead of striving for the win of both parties in the marriage, they make every effort for selfish gains. Never take your partner for a fool. Although you might win the game, you might lose your partner for life. This I have seen happening in this life time. Is that what you want?
Think about the bible scripture, Matthew 7v21 "not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who do what my father in heaven wants them to do". In the same way, not all who get married will maintain their marriage status until separated by death. Only those who commit themselves to a healthy unity (marriage) will make it. With the knowledge you currently have about your partner, if you were to die and rise to live afresh after ten years, would you marry the same person you married now? It is only couples in a God-glorifying marriage who can gives a 'yes' answer to this question.
CHAPTER 3
Types of marriages
In this chapter we will focus only on what is considered a marriage but not the details as stated by legal terms. According to my research, there are three recognised and respected marriages. They are outlined as follows:
[] Christian marriage (declared by pastors)
[] Legal marriage (declared by law)
[] Traditional marriage (lobola is involved). This is a practice in some arrears in Africa and in the bible. Remember Isaac's marriage gifts (Gen. 24v10 & 53). There was neither pastor to bless the marriage nor any law officials to officiate the marriage but still it was accepted as a marriage. The parents blessed their children and God was with them. This marriage story is featured in this book from the next page.
The modern days African marriages go through all the processes described above. The process is launched at the lobola negotiations, followed by legal terms and it all ends in the church where the pastors get to bless the marriage. Only legal and Christian marriages are observed by most white populations nowadays.
The marriage story
This chapter features the biblical story that outlines the procedure that was followed for Isaac to have a wife. The moral of the story is that when God is involved, the system is bound to fall into place. I also wanted to remind you of the history of the marriage gift called lobola in Africa, especially in South Africa. One other important aspect in this story is the fact that a woman joins the husband's family and not vice versa. In this case we see Rebekah leaving her family to be part of Abraham's family. Note that Rebekah joined Abraham's family to be "part of the family" and not the "enemy of the family" as many wives nowadays turned to be. It can only be the investment of satan in a woman if she finds herself playing the role of the enemy of the family she is married to. Women! Be warned and seek deliverance! One other thing I like about this is that she joined (married) them permanently.
Isaac and Rebekah
Genesis 24v1 Abraham was now very old, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. 2 He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. 3 I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, 4 but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."
The servant asked him, "What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?"
"Make sure that you do not take my son back there," Abraham said. "The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, 'To your offspring I will give this land' — he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there." So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter. Then the servant left, taking with him ten of his master's camels loaded with all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim and made his way to the town of Nahor. He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.
Then he prayed, "Lord, God of my master Abraham, make me successful today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. May it be that when I say to a young woman, 'Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,' and she says, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too'— let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master."
Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor. The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again. The servant hurried to meet her and said, "Please give me a little water from your jar." "Drink, my lord," she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink. After she had given him a drink, she said, "I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink." So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels.
Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful. When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels. Then he asked, "Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?" She answered him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milkah bore to Nahor." And she added, "We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night." Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, saying, "Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives."
