CHAPTER 1
Things you just need to know
Before you delve into the train-wreck of my dating life,you might understand more of my humor and mypoint of view if you read the following "Things ThatMake Me Salty". In case you were wondering and you liveunder a rock, I use "salty" as a reference to things that annoyor really irk me. If you do not appreciate foul language orprovocative stories, this humor may not be for you. Happyreading!
Things That Make Me Salty:
1. Guys who openly talk about cheating on theirgirlfriends, claiming that "they're not married" henceable to have sex with whomever they want. Uh, whatis the point of having a girlfriend, buddy?
2. People who say cheating is an "accident". No it's not,you do not accidently fall into someone's vagina. Youmake the choice to have sex.
3. Guys who text me "hey" four-to-five times a day. If Ididn't respond the first time, what makes you think Iam going to respond to the eighth time you texted me"heyyy"?!
4. Guys who send dick pics. I will never have any respectfor a guy who sends me dick pics. Lesbehonest, I amjust going to show it to all my friends and not send youany pictures in return.
5. When a good guy friend has feelings for you but neverpursues them.
6. When a guy says a girl raped them. NO. You were drunkand you took things further than you should have. Youare just making yourself look like a twat for sayingsuch a demeaning thing about a girl because you'retoo embarrassed or do not remember your actions.
7. When a guy sends me just a '[??]' emoticon during atexting or Facebook messaging conversation. No, thatis not a real reply. Use your words, not a smiley face.
8. When someone uses their animal (cat, dog, etc) to geta girl. It works and I hate it.
9. When a guy says he is broken up with his girlfriend,but his Facebook relationship status does not say singleand his profile picture is with this said "ex-girlfriend".Liar, liar, you have syphilis.
10. Anyone who is consciously willing to get in a relationshipwhen you have only been "talking" for two weeks. No,you are breaking up in a month.
11. Girls that try to steal your man when they know youguys are together. Slut.
12. Hipsters and girls in high school.
13. Hipster girl haircuts.
14. Mirror pics.
15. Girls who take five-to-six Facebook profile pictures ofthemselves in the same shirt. Do you only have oneshirt? How about another mirror pic while you're at it.
16. Girls who take selfies in the car of them driving. I'mpretty sure that's dangerous.
17. Serious selfies. "Look friends how this candid photowas so discretely taken with me lying down on my bedwith no one else around on a Friday night!"
18. A guy who tells me he has never given a girl an orgasm.Wow, that is so sexy. Not! I do not need to know that!But really, you need to work on that.
19. When you have a roommate named Satan's Mistresswho is the epitome of a worthless, lazy being.
20. When a guy is talking to a girl for 2 days and he thinksthey're exclusive. That's a good joke you should tell itat more parties.
21. When a guy chases me around the bar trying to makeout with me. I always end up tripping and falling tryingto run away from him. When I say I want to be chased,I don't mean freaking literally!
22. Guys who don't like cats.
23. Guys that ignore me. If you're not interested just tellme. Either way, I'll still think you're a dick.
24. When a guy compares their major and schooling toyours and believe they're better than you. Homeboyyou still haven't graduated from Community Collegedon't even start with me you basic bitch.
25. When your ex comes into your place of employmentwith his new slampiece. You better recognize this ismy territory and you need to GTFO.
26. Girls with gaudy flower tattoos on their thighs.Homegirl you're not going to have chicken legs whenyou're 60 years old.
The Lingo
FB= Facebook/ Creepbook I reference the use of socialnetworking because lesbehonest it is our generation. Nowwho wants to be in my top eight on Myspace?
Lesbehonest= let's be honest, but kind of insinuating lesbianeven though it's not insinuated.
Pics= pictures as in reference to mirror or dick pics. It justsounds weird if you say the whole word "picture."
DB= douchebag or douchebagel. I like insults that includefood as well. Twat waffle/ taco.
CMS= cream my shorts. Self-explanatory. Have you seenSkylar Astin? Yum.
Rachet= crazy or nasty, depending on context.
Townies= People who don't go to your college/university andwho actually live in that town.
Stage five clinger= First seen on Wedding Crashers, but myinterpretation is a guy who is on your nuts all the freakingtime. He will not stop texting, calling, messaging, or drivingby your house (kidding that's a stalker!). Basically he getssuper annoying and clingy and you're just not having it.
Cradle robber= someone who dates or likes someone who issignificantly younger than they are.
Yee= yeah or yes.
Truf= truth.
GTFO= if you don't know what this stands for then get thefuck out.
TSM= Total Sorority Move.
Not let's start this shit!
CHAPTER 2
Comb-Over Professional
Have you ever met a guy who was obsessed with talkingabout his job? The type of guy who strongly believesthat bragging about his career accomplishments willget the girl into bed? Yes, well I had the lovely opportunity togo on a date with a fellow like this one spring at the end of mysophomore year.
It all started when I was at a keg for a fraternity alumniparty. I could not tell you how I was introduced to him, buthis fraternity brothers did not want me associating myselfwith him. Clearly at the time I had no idea why, so I took thechance and made out with the kid anyway.
I remember us sitting in front of the fraternity houseand him talking about how awesome his professional careerwas being a lawyer and how successful he was. Consideringhis age, I highly doubted his above average achievements.Regardless, he was cute and he had a nice job so why not,right? Every girl deserves a cute, rich sugar daddy at least oncein their dating career.
We were sitting outside and the poor guy was trying so veryhard for me to go look at his Mustang with him. And when Isay Mustang, I mean the car. And when he says Mustang, itmight have meant something else.
Silly me being the tease that I was decided to run off with mysorority sisters and leave the poor fellow behind, but not withoutgiving him my number and a last kiss for him to remember meby. Our sorority rules stated that we were not allowed to havemen in our sorority house passed a certain time at night whichput a damper on bringing guys back. It was for the best.
I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks, but true toany guy's nature, I get a text from a random number around 3a.m. on a random weekday morning after my spring semesterfinals had ended.
After little texting conversation, it was confirmed that it was,in fact, the lawyer and he was begging for me to come to hisapartment. So true to my nature, I call him out by letting himknow that I am not a booty call (sometimes) and that I only methim once, and would not be going over to his place. He then triedto save himself by saying, "oh I didn't text because I knew youhad finals and I didn't want to bother you." Hah, well your ass isbothering me now. And that was the end of it ... I thought.
Months go by without a word from him and quite honestlyI didn't mind. I found myself at a popular bar one weekend thefollowing semester (which was frequent every weekend) butthis one autumn weekend in particular (October), I saw thisguy on the dance floor! Now at this time I was feeling absolutelyfabulous and I confronted him because like I said, he was acutie! Long story short, we exchanged numbers again and Ibasically told him to take me on a date. Yes, I am demanding.
As I tell every guy who I can even consider dating, I amobsessed with Mexican food and more importantly, I am obsessedwith tequila and margaritas. So for every first date I make theguy take me to a Mexican restaurant and coyly convince himto get a margarita with me. Not a pussy 12oz margarita, buta 27oz or even a 42oz margarita. Quite honestly I just want toget drunk because dating sucks. Anyway, this boy takes me toa Mexican restaurant for our first date which consequently wasa Thirsty Thursday aka half-priced margaritas.
This particular autumn month (still October), I decided todrastically change my hair color from blonde to a very, very darkbrown. When I met him and saw him at the bar I was blonde andthen when we went on our date I was dark brunette. I am onlytelling you this because it was very detrimental to the story.
So he picks me up in his Mustang, the same one he wasobsessed with making me see, and he was a little surprisedto see me as a brunette. I mean, I looked good regardless.Anyway, he takes me to this Mexican restaurant and we getto talking in which I ended up finding out these three veryimportant things about him:
1. He never had a long-term relationship.
2. His longest relationship with any woman has only lastedfor one night. Holla for those one night stands!
3. He got fired from his first attorney firm because he wasscrewing around with the paralegal.
Ew, stop it. I decided right then and there that this guywas just not for me. But that was not the end of the horror.He used a coupon on our Mexican dinner. A COUPON! Itwas Thursday and margaritas were half-priced already! Notonly that, but Mexican food was not expensive and thatcoupon probably saved him two dollars. Appalling. I wouldunderstand if maybe we were at an expensive restaurant forour maybe tenth date and he used a coupon because thatis a little more understandable. But it was our FIRST dateand he used an effing coupon. Blatantly, I have met thecheapskate lawyer.
So as he was driving me home, he kept talking abouthow he was a lawyer and how fancy he was. I get it, you're afreaking lawyer. Cool. Want a cookie?
So I start being a little smart-assy myself and say, "So youbrag about being a lawyer, what would happen if I braggedabout working at Victoria's Secret? You think I could get moredates if I spread that around?" Oh by the way, I actually didwork there at the time and all the boys would wet themselvesover it when they would find out. Well, naturally.
Then out of nowhere he starts chuckling to himself.Reluctantly, I asked him why he was laughing.
"Do gay guys come in and try on lingerie?"
I simply replied, "Yeah sometimes, we even get strippersand trannies as well."
He laughed and said, "I have lived in this city all my lifeand I have never seen or heard of a tranny."
Well naturally, I go, "Wait didn't you know?"
He asked, "Know what?"
"That I'm a tranny. Why do you think my hair colorchanged so fast from blonde to brunette?"
He looked at me funny and said, "Well not to point outthe obvious but ... you're very well endowed." Obviously he wasregarding to my rather large chest size.
So I explained, "I got those done a couple years back. Iseriously am a tranny."
For the next 20 minutes of this car ride I was convincinghim, with a straight face, how plausible it was that I was infact a tranny. He then kept telling me how I was scaring himand that he was actually starting to picture this in his headand maybe how he quite possibly believed it.
By the time he dropped me off I was annoyed and ready tohit the bars but he STILL tried to kiss me good night! Are youserious? I just tried to convince you for the past 20 minutesthat I was a tranny. Clearly I had been introduced to the stage-fiveclinger who still had a comb over.
I never intentionally tried seeing him after that night buthe texted me for a long time after that without a responsefrom me. If I did see him out, he would awkwardly trytalking to me while I ignored him even more. Then hewould kind of stand a foot away from me just staring andtalking to his friends. I always wondered if he was tellingthem that I was "that girl" who told him I was a tranny. Imean I would.
Lesson learned:
This one taught me it is absolutely okay to be picky and tonever settle for a guy who gets paid high figures because he ismost likely a cheapskate and a player. Also, if you know you arenot feeling a guy it is totally okay to start messing with him,but of course at the end of the night always thank him for thedinner, but explain how you are just simply not interested.
I have also learned the two-date rule. Sometimes thefirst date can be absolutely fantastic and sometimes it can beabsolutely terrible. I would like to always give a guy the benefitof the doubt, but that can be hard to do with so many shadyguys out there. Feel it out and get a free meal. I mean, a girl'sgotta eat! But always remember; let your friends know whenand where you are going on this date and your expected arrivalhome in case they need to call the police due to kidnapping.
CHAPTER 3
The Artist
Today I am still unsure why I decided to go on a doubledate with my brother. Maybe it was because the girl hewas on a date with was setting me up with the guy Iwas on a date with. Regardless, just avoid double dating withsiblings all together.
The Artist was very, very cute and super tall. Not onlythat, he was genuinely a nice guy and did not have a meanbone in him. But when you get such a great guy, there wasgoing to be something wrong with him. There was alwayssomething wrong with the nice ones. They're either virgins,or masturbate to their Xbox, or whatever. The list could go on.
I will let you know right now that I went on two dates withhim that were roughly six months apart. I decided to give hima second chance and like I said before, I have that two-daterule if a guy did not blow it on the first.
Before I talk about our first date, I would like to share whathe told me on our second date which consisted of Taco Belland Barnes and Noble. Quite honestly, those are some of myfavorite places, so really I didn't mind.
So this seemingly wonderful guy tells me he might havea testosterone problem. What was a testosterone problem youmight ask? Well, it consists of trying to have sex for 4 hoursand never reaching full potential or liftoff for that matter. Also,there was a complete lack of masturbation.
Wait, what?
Unfortunately, this was not the worst of the things theguy has told me. Now let's rewind to our first date whichconsequently was the double date with my brother.
It was summer and we got ice cream and then we decidedto go to our local park. He was cute and so nervous on ourdate. I thought he was adorable because he kept saying howpretty I was and obviously I had to agree with him.
So we get to a park bench and the Artist was in collegegoing for an art major, at least I think he was. And somehowthis double date turned into talking about weird art. Now mybrother being older and gross starts talking about some girlin Canada, or maybe Wisconsin, who painted portraits usingpoop. Do not even think to ask me how she got the colors ofpoop to paint her portraits with but from what I can recall,she used her own poop and ate assorted foods. Gross and I'mdone talking about it.
So as I am disgusted about this topic, the Artist decides topipe in that he had his own little weird painting experience.He then went on to explain how he painted a portrait usinghis ex-girlfriend's period blood.
Wait, what?
Yes, he used her period blood. Not only that but he wenton to say how he COLLECTED his ex-girlfriend's period bloodand that it did not paint well because it was too "clotty."
Well duh! That shit is uterine lining and you are notsupposed to paint with it! It smells and there is an unfertilizedegg somewhere in there. Just don't do it! Stop. Just stop.
After that I was severely freaked out and told him I wantedto go home and take a nap. It was 7 p.m. So as kind of agentleman that he was, he drove me home. Then I got intomy car and drove to a coffee shop where all my friends wereand told them all about it.
Want to know what I regret most about running off soquickly? I did not ask what he painted a picture of! It stillhaunts me to this day. What could he have painted with perioduterine lining? Was it an abstract piece of art or was it stickfigures? I am afraid my friends and I will never know.
Lesson learned:
The lesson I have learned from this is really nothing otherthan take the chance to go on as many dates as possible.You can meet some cool people, get some great stories, andpossibly get free food out of it. But word of caution, if he startstalking about weird things that involve period or painting withpoop ... get out. Now. Go.
