Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship

Revised Edition:
After losing your life partner, there are moments, many of them in fact, when you may doubt your very sanity. For most of us, that triggers the “flight or fight” reaction. If you fight (confront) it, your chances of coming through this intact are much improved. If you try to run away from it, you may only be delaying the inevitable grieving process.

The greatest fear I had during the earliest stages of my grief was that I was going crazy, was losing all control over my thoughts, and that I might make decisions harming me, my family and my friends. That included suicidal thoughts. This scared the hell out of me and I became desperate to find answers, so I could avoid making bad life choices. I quickly found those answers would be hard to find, and that resources for widowers were minimal and often of dubious value.

This book is my response to frustration I experienced during this search. I have done my best to compile the most vital information I could find on the widower experience into this one book, so the reader does not have to search as many sources for answers as I had to do. I also wanted to include many of the critical issues that you will not find addressed in other publications. What I wrote here can often be raw and brutal at times, much like the grieving process itself.
I spoke with other widowers to confirm that mine was not a unique journey but was in fact similar in many respects to their journey as well. The entry into grief is intense and harsh, and I could not see how I could write this book without being totally honest about the experience.

I am the expert only on my own experience. It is important to note that each widower’s experience is unique. There will be common threads and shared experiences, but each must find their own path. We must learn from each other, to realize that we are not going crazy, and to know that we can survive this experience.

Fred Colby was born in Seattle, Washington where his father, Ralph Colby, worked as an engineer for Boeing after WWII. Following his father's death in 1955 Fred's family moved to San Diego to live with his maternal grandfather. Fred's mother, Danah, remarried three years later to Lynn Fayman who took on Fred and his three sisters (Kate, Ann, and Laura) until his passing eleven years later. Two brothers (Corey and Bruce) were born into the family during his mother's second marriage. Death and the loss of loved ones was not something new to Fred when many years later his wife, Theresa Colby, passed in 2015. However the loss of his father and step-father at such a young age did not prepare him for the pain and emotional turmoil he experienced when Theresa died. Fred grew up in San Diego, attending La Jolla High School and Mesa Community College. After marrying Theresa in 1970 he completed his college education at Claremont Men's College in Claremont, California, graduating Cum Laude with a degree in Political Science in 1972. Five years later, Fred and Theresa welcomed their first of two daughters (Jennifer and Charlene) into their family. Fred embarked upon non-profit and political careers in the areas of fundraising and marketing. He worked in-house at arts, education, and social service agencies as a Development Director, Director of Administration, and Executive Director. In the 90's he launched Colby Consulting, which enjoyed a 15 year run serving dozens of San Diego area nonprofits. His political career led him to work on state-wide and local initiatives, and candidate campaigns. He was elected to the San Diego Community College Board of Trustees in 1988, where he served for eight years in what he often called his most enjoyable and rewarding role. Fred and Theresa relocated to Colorado in 2008 after their daughters and their growing families moved to Fort Collins. Theresa passed in 2015 after a year long bout of medical treatment for uterine cancer. Having written thousands of pages of newsletters, grant applications, letters, and opinion pieces, Fred felt comfortable applying his writing skills to his first book, Widower to Widower. This book is his way of passing on his lessons-learned to other widowers suffering through what has to be one of the most difficult experiences of their lives.