We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict

Offering a three-part program designed to resolve marital conflict, this practical handbook explains how couples can handle differences, resolve conflict, enhance relationships, and prevent discord.

What makes or breaks a marriage is not whom you marry but how you handle conflict, assert Notarius, professor of psychology at Catholic University of America, and Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver. The two, who also coauthored A Couple's Guide to Communication , claim that they can predict with 93% accuracy which relationships will succeed and which will fail based on their 20 years of research with more than 1000 couples. Their findings have led them to identify and describe "six simple truths of marriage" and they are simple--all relationships have a reservoir of hope, men and women fight differently and the like. After looking at four styles of conflict interaction, Notarius and Markman recommend a holistic program of "Better Understanding" and "Better Talk" to identify basic problems and then solve them. Case studies from the authors' practices and examples of both good and bad communication styles are provided in abundance here, along with 28 questionnaires to help couples pinpoint trouble spots. A solid addition to the marriage counseling field.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc.

An upbeat, well-organized how-to-make-your-marriage-work manual by two psychologists who've been studying marital conflict for 20 years. Markman (Psychology/University of Denver) and Notarius (Psychology/Catholic University of America)--both familiar to viewers of Oprah and readers of USA Today and Psychology Today-- each operate a research center where happy and unhappy couples are studied and compared. The authors' major findings are neatly packaged in ``Six Simple Truths of Marriage'' (#1: Each relationship contains a reservoir of hope), as well in six further statements about successful relationships that are contrasted with conventional wisdom (e.g., conventional wisdom holds that who you marry has a lot to do with how happy your marriage will be; by contrast, the authors contend that marital happiness has little to do with who you marry and everything to do with how you cope with conflict). Notarius and Markman offer quizzes to diagnose areas of conflict in one's own marriage; then focus on strategies for communication, analyzing how happy couples relate and resolve conflicts; and, finally, introduce a ``Better Talk'' program, in which the information and techniques already learned are put into practice. Throughout, the authors exude confidence that anyone can learn their system. They give explicit directions on how to develop and use a ``Personal Problem Plan'' and a ``Relationship Issues Planner,'' and they coax the reader along with lively text interspersed with numerous catchy headings, lists, boxes, reminders, exercises, and case histories. A lucid do-it-yourself guide to managing conflict that will be most useful for couples with the motivation and determination to follow a structured program. -- Copyright ©1993, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

This book takes to the extreme the maxim: "Tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you've told them." Amid all this, anecdotal examples of couples' conversations from the authors' seminars and therapy sessions help make problems and solutions obvious. Markman includes a questionnaire of 28 true/false questions for determining which of four styles of conflict interaction a couple fits and ways to deal with each. Also on tap are examples of conventional thought (e.g., whom you marry has a lot to do with how happy your marriage will be) vs. the authors' discoveries (marital happiness has a lot to do with how you cope with conflict); six simple truths of marriage (e.g., one "zinger" will erase 20 acts of kindness); a dictionary of relationship talk; a list of pitfalls to the communication of understanding; and instruction on how to have a productive couples meeting. Recommended for public libraries.
- Carol Schrader, Carrollton P. L., Tex.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc.