Tohon

My Awakened Soul - A Journey

Prologue

Since my infancy I have been walking three parallel paths. The first one is that of natural life – infancy to childhood, childhood to adulthood, and from adulthood to family man. The second journey has been the physical one – travelling distant lands pursuing my education and vocation. The third journey has been my inner expedition. All my life I have agonised myself over the suffering, pain and cruelty on this planet. At the same time, the hate, anger and jealousy that I possess pained me too. My suffering has guided me all along, leading me to remote places where no one has ever set foot.

In the Beginning

Behind every story lies an untold backstory: the events that led up to it, the source of inspiration, and the sprouting seed. A diamond-studded necklace that graces a woman had to be mined from some remote, dangerous location – just as depicted in the movie Blood Diamond.

I am now seventy-two, but truly I am much older than that – as old as the first appearance of life. A seed is the beginning of a plant’s life, but the seed itself is linked to life’s first creation by an unbroken chain of inheritance. Likewise, an embryo in its mother’s womb is not the beginning of a new life; it is the new beginning of an ancient life.

The Battleground

Life is a battlefield and I fought two battles: inner and outer. I have my strength and weaknesses. Paradoxically, my greatest strength is the knowledge of my weaknesses. “This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections”—so said Saint Augustine.

My life has been guided by my deep-seated instincts. The most important one is self-preservation: I want to live – and live happily. The other instincts include fear and courage, hate and love, brutality and compassion, ego and humility. In some sense, my life, like those of the rest of the living species, are chained by these inherent instincts. On the one hand, I struggle to satisfy my instincts and, on the other, I want to set myself free – free of suffering. So, my life is nothing but a battleground, where war is being continually waged in different shapes and forms.

What is Life?

How does life relate to the rest of the living world? I have looked at it from different perspectives: scientific, philosophical, spiritual, meditative and speculative. And then I ask myself: How much do I really know about myself? How much I own my own life?

Fifth Dimension

Acquiring knowledge on a wide range of subjects broadens one’s outlook, horizon, and dimension. I explored means to open the locked windows within myself. It allowed the buried seed to find light of the day.

Recollection

I remember my past as far as my memory goes, and then go beyond – to the roots and even to the genetic past. It is the genetic past that guides me through my life and my battles.

Jigsaw Puzzle

If the sum total of my life is a jigsaw puzzle, then my actions and reactions, knowledge and wisdom, thoughts and perceptions, instincts and intuitions, emotions and passions, and even the subtle thoughts in the unplumbed depths of my mind are the pieces of that jigsaw. I needed to identify each piece and see how they fit into the puzzle and recognize the uniqueness of my own genetic make-up.

Free Will

Is there a free will? Do I live a forgone future? Am I a character in a story that has been brought to life? Or, am I a tool in the hands of a Fixer?

Awakening

Why do I think and do things the way I do? To ‘know thyself’ one must know all his tendencies – the good and the bad, the vulnerabilities, the weaknesses, the inner struggles, the beliefs, the instincts, and the secrets in the deepest recesses of my mind. Ultimately one must know his own genetic make-up and how it controls his mind.

The Highest Attainment

A man’s highest attainment is to recognize the invisible mirror that deludes him giving him a false sense of duality: right and wrong, good and evil, compassion and brutality, love and hate, joy and sorrow, light and shadow, and height and depth.

One must know that the most-high, most-glorious, most-exalted spirit rests within his inner sanctuary, but to get there one must first not only see but touch the mirror by crossing the deep-rooted inner chasm.

Who Sees the Mirror?

Many seers belonging to diverse religious beliefs lived to recognize the invisible mirror. The life and times of these spiritual people are greatest stories I have ever read.

Epilogue

My knowledge is the knowledge of my limitations. My awakened soul, at its height, allows me to detect the subtle-most ripple in my mind. And when the death comes, I should be able to cross the gate not only without flinching, but truly looking forward to it.

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