Philip Wylie

As representatives of the Wylie international conglomerate and associated trust fund we would like to express our condolences following the demise of Philip Wylie – but will not. Unfortunately Philip brought shame and embarrassment to his family with his reckless and lewd behaviour, obsessive womanizing and practical jokes.

Philip’s final practical joke of defrauding the National Health Service by pretending to be autistic along with a plethora of other psychosomatic diseases was his shameless legacy. We apologise for Philip’s menacing assault on society. Our trust fund has already settled claims for damages amounting to $65 million, predominantly single Asian women for his duplicitous acts of hedonism.

The Wylie family has scientific evidence to prove that Philip was a genetically pure Anglo-Saxon. We have been notified that Philip bribed a Cambodian psychiatrist to give him a formal diagnosis of Asperger syndrome. We understand that Philip committed this fraud because he heard that women cannot resist intellectual men. More fool Philip.

This leads us to the heart of Philip’s problem: he could never resist women. He was a sex-addicted demon who declined Twelve Steps recovery programmes whenever offered.

We would like to say, “Rest in Peace” but we refuse to do so because he never did a darned day’s work in his life. Why should he rest in Hell when he did nothing but rest on Earth?

Now, without Philip, the world is a safer and more orderly place. Thank you for not showing any interest in any of his nonsensical illiterary rants and garbled chainsawesqe sermons.

Finally, whatever you do, don’t believe any published conspiracy theories about Philip being reincarnated as a Buddhist shaman somewhere in the Peruvian jungle, soliciting business from gullible foreign tourists. This is yet another of Philip’s pathetic and shameful scams.