Becky Walker

My Journey With My Adopted Daughter

Ever have that moment with a child when you think, “Can I send her back?” Guess what? Sometimes your child, especially an adopted child, is having a similar thought, “Why don’t you just send me back?” Well, of course we don’t send them back… because we love them—even if it seems like it would feel good to be free of the struggle we’re experiencing at that moment! This is my story about the difficulties in my journey with my adopted daughter, Emilia. It turns out well in the end. But only because I learned how to focus my thoughts and efforts and achieve the relationship we both wanted. My hope is for other adoptive parents to learn from my experience, and that you and your child can have the connected relationship you desire.

“Once I was able to see my daughter’s behaviors as a result of unmet emotional needs, I was at last in a position to change our relationship toward the better. Because I could find no resources at the time to help me understand how to do this, I am now passionate in the hope that my story can provide a useful resource for you in your own journey with your adopted child.”

The idea to adopt occurred for me in early 2015. I had two stepsons, and no other children at the time. We applied to adopt two older children. Then, in February 2006 we were granted approval to adopt a six year old girl. She was from Russia. We Americanized the spelling of her beautiful Russian name, Emiliya…to Emilia. I was full of expectation and optimism.

But from the moment the adoption was final, Emilia didn’t want anything to do with me, and barely tolerated my husband. An interpreter advised us that Emilia didn’t want to be our daughter. We were immaterial to her. Emilia would not stay in a room with me alone. She would try to run away. She kicked and bit me. She would hide out of the peripheral vision of other people and flip the bird at me.

Emilia’s rejection was a huge puzzle. And, it was made more difficult because my husband and I were not on the same page. Under this new pressure, he and I began to struggle with our own relationship; and rather than pulling together, we drifted further and further apart. Finally, we divorced.

My relationship with my daughter gradually improved. Nevertheless, very difficult, often highly confrontational interactions continued to occur daily. At the same time, we did all the usual mother daughter things—birthday and holiday parties, family and school events and swim lessons. But we certainly weren’t connected. Other adults could hug her. I couldn’t. She was polite and courteous and great with other adults. But she struggled to make friends and frequently clashed with teachers and classmates. She saw counselors and therapists. When Emilia was nine years old, she expressed suicidal thoughts in writing. Seven years after her adoption, she expressed the desire to put a kitchen knife in my back. She told me, “I would rather have anyone else in the world than you as my mother.” My heart sank to its lowest point.

As the adult and parent, I recognized that it was my responsibility to fix this. I accepted the uncomfortable truth that I needed to change before I could expect anything about the relationship to change. This was not easy, but I knew I had to do it. And I did.

A pivotal moment of understanding and change occurred when a friend and relationship expert told me, “All human behaviors are clues to met and unmet needs.” This put me on the important path of being able to look beyond my daughter’s behaviors to the causes behind those behaviors. It gave me eyes to see her and her actions in a more compassionate way. This insight was aided by learning about the concept of Thinking Preferences, and the way in which these innate preferences assist or hinder our ability to hear and be heard by others….including our children. I also learned the skill of Compassionate Communication—which provides a simple and effective technique for de-escalating volatile interactions and allowing for needs to be met in a mutual and peaceful manner.

My adoption story has a happy ending, but it wasn’t easy getting there. My daughter didn’t set out to be difficult. And I was ill-prepared to be her parent. But once I was able to see her behavior as the result of her unmet emotional needs, I was able to take the steps necessary to create a safe place for her to risk being vulnerable so that she could ….little by little….begin to trust in ways that had not been available to her before. Only then were we able to truly connect.