Michael Doud

At the age of nineteen, I was thrown into the fire of the Vietnam War. Even before I’d set foot in that far-off land, our country’s mission had been drilled into me: Kill the enemy. Within days of being “in country,” I had fulfilled the mission. By the first week, I could count these fatal encounters: The death of a man at the end of my gun barrel, the death of unseen others by my comrades, the death of a friend, and the death of my innocence.

Even as the flames of war burned around me, questions were burning from within. I had grown up in a very stoic and pragmatic atmosphere, with parents who taught me to value self-sufficiency, a strong work ethic, good manners, and a very limited display of emotion. From the time I was quite young, I experienced an ongoing conflict between what my heart and body yearned to feel and how I had been taught to act. Now I had the added burden of another human being’s death on my conscience.

Returning from the war, I felt the memory of an earlier encounter re-awaken. As a teenager in the presence of an Indian guru, I’d experienced my own heart opening to the interconnection of all beings. With this experience re-ignited in my soul, I embarked on a spiritual quest, seeking guidance from a range of different teachers and practices. However, through the demands of family and career, I was drawn back into the “outer” world, where I allowed material desires to strengthen their grip on me, hoping they would fill the emptiness in my heart, mind, and spirit.

Finally, after a serious flirtation with death in my late thirties, I found the way back to my spiritual path, and this time I was unwavering. The Buddha said, “Seek out your own salvation” – and that’s what I did. Though I drew from the wisdom of many traditions, I felt compelled to chart my own course. Step by step, it led me to a place that I had never been before, one that relieved me from the constant smoldering fire of doubt lying within and changed my life forever. The story you are about to read is my attempt to share this journey with you…