ALEXANDRA ARROWSMITH

“Readers want to know about you, Alex!” came an exasperated request from one of my friends (editor).

“Oh, really Carol? I highly doubt that! Who wants to know about me? It’s the book that is interesting. Plus, I talk too much. You know I will go on, and on, and on. I can never answer with a quick one liner.”

Mmm, apparently, it is true. I need an author’s page and you are reading it.

Here goes, but take note, I tried to warn you. I have too much to say, always. However, I can’t share too much, as I am currently working on the autobiography (brace yourselves, it’s gonna be a zinger!)

The bare bones of me:

So, my mum and dad, the utter legends, created me in 1968, in England. I was a child of many siblings. That’s a long story. Wait for the biography for more.

As of 2014 I became an orphan. Trust me, it sucks.

I have a husband. He is my first husband. (Oh, come on, those kinds of quips always have me smiling).

I have an amazing kiddo. She was born in this millennium. Before she was 5, she died quite a few times. She has had an interesting path, already, therefore, unsurprisingly we are writing her bio too!

My son died. That’s a story that cannot be covered in this short quip (another one for the bio). Gosh, I am a busy gal, huh? I currently have 5 books on the go, in case you asked.

I have an awesome brother. He is my bestie. He is an inspiration and you would be privileged to know him.

Full disclosure: I literally just yawned. Why, oh why, is this information important? Anyhoo, I digress (I do that a lot, which will be become apparent in most of my witterings)

Throughout my autobiography I dig down to ridiculous levels of information, all about me. I cannot put you through it here too. Therefore, it’s probably best, if we just get to the point, your question: “Will I like this author?”

Let me share my strengths and weaknesses. That should give a good glance into me, my heart, my mind, my brain and my approach to writing.

Most of my strengths are also weaknesses. They can be considered the same. Surely, we are all like that, no? A weakness to some, would be a strength to others.

For those who know me, know, I generally have far too much to say. I might just set up a Wikipedia page! They are easy, right? It can’t take that long to just waffle away about me. But, I digress. I mentioned my digressions, right?

Here is a quick warning: I can start 20 sentences and keep track of them all. My writing shows this, regularly. If you find it frustrating just reading this, imagine the hell dinger noise in my head! Ironically, I can’t juggle.

Whilst we are on warnings: My stories, writing, tales, and chit chat can sometimes be controversial. Because it comes from the heart, head, twisted sense of humour and my ridiculous level of honesty. I try to find humour where there simply isn’t any. I was raised that way.

My mum had an insanely sad childhood and equally traumatic life, therefore, she would make it her mission, to found sunshine in tunnels, smiles at funerals and a reason to always have fun. Thanks, mum.

I always try to keep it brief. (I just laughed, out loud. I am incapable of being brief, clearly. I honestly do try. I just have too much to share. I am a student of life, a mentor, a teacher, a mum, a wise old owl, before my time and I refuse to go to bed if I haven’t learned something yet.

Spoiler alert! I speak Alex. It is my vernacular. Never expect anything from me and my words. Alex’s philosophy: If you have no expectations of me, you cannot be upset or disappointed. Most of the time I don’t even know what I am going to say or do. Oh, and, I never meet my own expectations. Therefore, nobody does!

Now then, I am mortified if I genuinely hurt people. However, if some delicate little woke soul is wobbling because they are taking my jokes to heart, I suggest they just put on their minion slippers, drink up the lemon and ginger tea and find another author. I won’t be offended. It’s all good.

I am a student of Life’s university. It is my favourite institution. Some call it god’s way. That isn’t my way. Life, earth, mother nature, fate and karma have many lessons, modules and courses for us all. I didn’t choose the lessons; I live them and regularly earn my stripes. There have been many resits and I do not expect to graduate till my funeral.

I have no faith, except one of hope. We all come from a bloody womb, we all bend, squat or sit to poop and we all die from a shortage of breath. No one person is better than any other. The sooner the human race realise this, the sooner we can all just enjoy life, without egos, devastation and destruction. For the love of Pete, I hope those words are heard by the right person. We can only hope.

In a nutshell (ha! Like I can put anything in a nutshell!) sarcasm, irony, quick wit, comedy, sit-coms are the things that make me tick. I over-share. Over-sharing is a fabulous strength but an equally frustrating weakness.

I have a quick wit, fast fingers on the keyboard and my mouth is usually three steps ahead of my brain. I am strong willed and opinionated. (none of this can be a spoiler, if you have read this far)

However, I am willing to shut up, listen and learn, when the time or subject is interesting enough. No, honestly, I can and will shup up, if you are interesting enough.

I am a professional people-watcher (Is there such a job? If there isn’t, then I have just invented it! You heard it here first. I claim it © 2014)

I get serious, silly, miserable, passionate, dictatorial and frustrated, especially in this new millennium. Whilst I aim to not hurt anyone, I invariably do. I can cut with my tongue and, apparently, I intimidate people. Surely, that is the measure of the intimidated, not me, but I digress. These traits are not meant to harm others, mostly.

Therefore, if you are listening, watching or reading anything that comes from me, let me make a global apology to the, ever increasing, easily offended people. The conspiracists, the radicals, the judge-mentals, the wokes, or anyone who is upset by anything, anytime, on any day, I am sorry for you. If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, lighten up mate. Life is short and none of us laugh enough. Grab some minion slippers, drink some flavoured tea and watch some comedy!

So, could we be friends? I would say, if we have got this far together, we could definitely give it a go. However, if this is where you click somewhere else, no offence taken, or intended. Is that enough to help you click and pay, or walk away? Embrace the day matey.

So that’s me, in a rather large nutshell. (I told you I can’t keep it brief!) If you have read this far and still want to boil that kettle, get your slippers on and settle in for a nice little escape with me, then strap in.

If I can get my act together, you may even be listening to my dulcet tones over Audiobook. But I have no clue how that stuff works. Watch this space.

Maybe, you are actually about to click my autobiography! If that is a fact, I am mega excited! Join me on the ups and downs of being Alex.

Stay safe, love each other, hashtag be nice, etc. Have fun.

I am grateful for your attention. Let me know what you think? I am always intrigued to know. No, seriously, for real. I always read comments. Be nice though, yeah?

Alex