We're Just Like You, Only Prettier : Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

"On the short drive to the preschool,
I dutifully unwrap a NutriGrain bar and
toss it into the back seat to my four-year-old.
Sometimes I'll even unwrap one for myself.
Studies have shown that it's very important
for familes to eat together. . . . "

Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, spoon bread, okra, and tomatoes.

What does a Southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When Daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again.

What is the Southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on.

Want to become honest-to-Jesus white trash? Spend two weeks' salary on hair extensions and pancake makeup for your three-year-old so she can win a five-dollar trophy in the Wee Tiny Miss pageant and the adoration of, well, nobody much.

What does the Southern woman think of Paul McCartney's marriage to a model thirty years younger? We're not surprised. Statistically speaking, it's almost impossible for billionaires to discover that their soulmates are fifty-five and restocking the shampoo end caps at Kmart.

In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling Bless Your Heart, Tramp, Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, to the south she loves, the land of "Mama and them's," "precious and dahlin," and mommies who mow. Ya'll come back now, you hear.

Celia Rivenbark is the author of Bless Your Heart, Tramp. She writes a weekly column, "From the Belle Tower," for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina, with her husband and daughter. Visit her Web site at www.celiarivenbark.com