RULES for RADICAL CONSERVATIVES: BEATING the LEFT AT its OWN GAME to TAKE BACK AMERICA *

Are you a frustrated conservative shocked by the bunch of far Left fanatics driving the bus—and our future—off a cliff? It’s time to fight back with the same ruthlessness that has served the radicals so well—not just now, but for the long term. And who better to reveal their strategies—and their fatal weaknesses—than one of their own? Playing on his all-too-typical hubris and good old greed, we’ve recruited well-known liberal apparatchik David Kahane to lead conservatives out of the political wilderness, whether he means to or not. Is he arrogant and obnoxious? Absolutely. Does he deliver the goods? You betcha. We’ll let Dave speak for himself:
 
Please allow me to introduce myself. . . . My name is David and I’m going to share some secrets. I’m going to take you into the smoke-free back rooms of today’s progressive political machine to reveal how it really operates—and how you can bring it down. I’ll lay out the rules we radicals have used to run circles around you, and clue you in on how to make them work for you, too.

How do I know this stuff? As the son of the sainted “Che” Kahane, I’ve been schooled in the art of seizing and holding political power as we transform America one antiquated tradition and constitutional clause at a time. Now I work in Hollywood, where I’ve perfected the game pioneered by such pros as Machiavelli, Saul Alinsky, and Al Capone, father of the immortal Chicago Way. Read on and learn from our time-tested techniques:
 
• Know your enemy, his intentions, his weapons, and his weaknesses. You too can play relentless, on-message hardball with every scandal, hypocrisy, lie, and fundamentally flawed policy your adversaries dish up.
• Become what you behold. Adopt some of our scorched-earth tactics, best described in David Mamet’s Untouchables: “They pull a knife, you pull a gun.”
• Take no prisoners. Attack our premises, expose their true nature and consequences, and pin them on us, hard.
• Never cede anything to the other side, philosophically speaking. Force the Left to argue facts, not emotions. We hate that.
• Treat us with the same respect we give you. None.
• It is better to be feared than liked, especially by your enemies. And it helps to show up for the fight. (Note to past and future Republican candidates.)
 
Why am I telling you all this? Because I thrive on making trouble and, frankly, because I’m proud of what my team has done. Between us, I don’t think it matters if I turn over our playbook to you at this late date. I don’t think you can get it together to stop us now. Plus, I got a lot of money.

Happy reading, America! You think you can take us down? Go for it. I dare you.

 
David Kahane is the “Hollywood screenwriter” pseudonym for a conservative writer who spoofs insufferable liberals regularly in his column for National Review Online, including his Internet sensatio “I Still Hate You, Sarah Palin.” In real life, he is a New York Times bestselling novelist, a screenwriter, and a former journalist and arts critic spoiling to lead the right side over the top.