Lost? Scared? Confused? Don't worry because Cthulhu Explains It All!
Dear Cthulhu,
As far as I'm concerned, I'm one of the most accomplished women - no, people - in the entire history of the world. Why just in the last month I have cured someone of cancer, won the Boston Marathon, spent time on the international space station, won Nobel Prizes for peace and for my chocolate soufflé. And modesty forbids me from going into detail about my threesome with Tom Cruise and Hugh Jackman, but it was hot! The problem is most people don't take my accomplishments seriously and I'm not sure if it's because I'm a woman or because I did it all in my dreams. That's right, I'm the ultimate dream warrior. Yet despite everything I've managed to do, when I offer people the benefit of my wisdom and experience, they often make fun of me and ignore what I'm telling them to do. When I told my one friend they could get rid of her cancer by using stem cells and a hot glue gun, she looked at me as if I was mad. But she did ask her doctor. That quack said no one had ever heard of such a thing. When I called Harvard to have them send me a copy of my diploma, they said they had no record of it and hung up on me when I explained how I dreamed I had graduated from there with high honors with a dual major in brain surgery and philosophy. Then the other night when I was out at a five-star restaurant, I snuck back into the kitchen to give the chef a couple of pointers, telling him that butterscotch and curry were the keys to making the best duck l'orange that he'd ever taste. You'd think someone in his position would be thrilled to get advice from someone like me, but no. He had security throw me out and wouldn't even give me my food in a doggie bag. So my dear Cthulhu, as one of the few on this planet who is accomplished as I am, how do I get people to take my experiences seriously? (Oh and I have some included some pointers for you as an attachment on how to terrorize and take over the planet. You're going to love it.)
- Beautiful Dreamer in Buffalo
Dear Buffalo,
There is a reason why people do not take your claims of skill and experience seriously - they are utter nonsense. In human, dreams are your minds way of processing the day's events and dealing with stress. The events of life influence your dreams, not the other way around, unlike Cthulhu whose dreams can influence the entire world and universe. In fact. right now Cthulhu might lie dreaming and when I awake you will find that you have been nothing but a figment of that dream and I will either make you cease to be or live in horror and terror, depending on my mood that day.
Praise for Dear Cthulhu:
"A crazy fun collection...Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrified glee...some very funny and dark Q & A's that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter." - J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature
"When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my 'zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I to say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire 'zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?" -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree
"FUN." - Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW
"Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope." - Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine
"As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths." -David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance.
"Dear Cthulhu is the first step toward enlightenment, by way of electro-convulsive therapy. I've been reading Dear Cthulhu for years! The doctors say I may never recover. Dear Cthulhu is better than a sandblaster to your crotch and twice as fun!" -Michael Amorel, Publisher Cthulhu Sex
"More action-packed than Jerry Springer re-runs, yet safer than being aboard a train wreck. This is sofa therapy at its best... Dear Cthulhu has singlehandedly upset entire sects of people in South America... "How was I supposed to know that it was unhealthy to sleep with a C.H.U.D.? No one gives better advice or dishes it so real as Dear Cthulhu..." - Samantha "edie" Collins, editor of Dig This Real magazine
"Basically it's a Dear Abby for the Mythos-addicted, and it's meant to be a quick and fun read -- which it is." - Nancy Greene, Flames Rising
