Don't Get Me Started (SIGNED)

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not. And yes, my brother is Bill Clinton. But not the Bill Clinton. These two guys are very different. For one, whenever I hear President Bill speak--on gays in the military, healthcare reform--I hear that sound trucks make when they're backing up.

I was born on the cusp of Title IX, at a time when the sports pages claimed only men played sports. When people ask where I got my comedy training, I tell them teaching high school English. I began performing stand-up in 1981, the same year Ronald Reagan began his comedy. I never got used to saying President Ronald Reagan. It was like saying President Merv Griffin. Reagan wasn't so much a president as the host. He was having such a good time playing president and going on vacation that he decided to run again.

I'm out and proud. When I'm out and it's raining I carry an umbrella. I used to be in but I hate the smell of moth balls. My closet was huge, complete with a foyer, turnstile, a few locks, dead bolts, and a burglar alarm that had to be deactivated before I could even touch the door handle. And then there was the storm door. It wasn't until I had lived and slept with a woman for a year that it occurred to me to ask, "Do you think were lesbians?" By the way, never come out to your father in a moving vehicle.

Now I've written a book. It's not as easy as it looks. One night, I was working late on my computer when a little message came up on the screen, "You are almost out of memory." Here are my thoughts and observations on everything from gay marriage (Mad Vow Disease) to my morbid fear of mascots (with the exception of the San Diego Chicken). Thats all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil it for you. That's a job for Jesse Helms.

I'll leave you with one last anecdote: Once when my Dad was visiting, he sat through an evening of gay politics, gay theory, gay gossip, and toward the end of the discussion, my partner turned to him and asked, "Well, Mr. Clinton, what do you think we as gay people can do to make more bridges to straight people?" My Dad did one of his patented, exquisitely timed pauses and replied, "Keep talking."

A self-described fumerist (feminist/humorist), Kate Clinton taught English for eight years before a writing workshop and improvisational class convinced her that her political views deserved a public hearing. She quit teaching, took a job as a window washer, and started her professional stand-up career in 1981, using politics, Catholicism, and her lesbianism as basic themes. She performs one-woman shows across the country and writes columns for the Progressive and the Advocate. She has appeared on Arsenio Hall, Good Morning America, Nightline, CNN, C-Span, and many other places. Although she has four comedy albums to her credit, Don't Get Me Started is her first book.