A Complete Guide to Effective Excuses

An outrageous "how to" guide for improving excuse-making skills. Includes dozens of excuses you can use today, written and tested by some of the premier liars in America. People generally don't believe your lame excuses anyway, but they may come down on you easier if you have an entertaining one.

Problems Because of Lame Excuses? Try Some of These:

For not making a commitment: "My spiritualist tells me I was a squirrel in my previous life. And I'm most likely coming back as a chicken."

For having a dirty house: "As a hobby, I am a pest and rodent watcher. I need to attract as many varieties as I can to photograph and catalog them. Look! Over there is a rare roach-rat cross, extremely difficult to breed in captivity."

For forgetting an anniversary: "I was trapped in an elevator for 2 days with a world famous razorback hog hunter named Floyd and his hound dog, Bess, two garlic salesmen and a lawyer."

For having badly behaving kids: "Their biological father was a stunt man."

For not going out with someone: "My brother is coming down with rabies and I need to stay home and make sure he doesn't bite the dog."